living with step children

balletshoes

maman wrote: »

She sounds like a very normal teenager to me and perhaps even better than most in that she chooses to spend time in the living room with family rather than being in her bedroom glued to her phone/laptop.

I suppose it's only to be expected that she's a bit more comfortable with her dad at the moment as she knows him better. I'd suggest you just 'go with the flow' and in time you'll develop more of a relationship.

I agree - this is now her family home, like its yours and OHs. Families spend time together, all together. I think thats completely normal, even with non-chatty and sometimes back-chatty teenagers. Are you maybe struggling with the concept of being a family rather than a couple now?

If my OH and I get some time together without our DD being around, its an unexpected bonus - we're a family, so we do things together as a family, even if thats just lounging about watching the telly.

I do think its likely that, as your stepdaughter gets more used to her new surroundings, she'll get herself a social life which doesn't include your OH and you so much. I don't think theres any need to rush to push her into that though, is there? You said yourself she has some friends here.

wheelz

ostrichnomore wrote: »

I can understand your frustration to some extent.

You definitely need some time alone with your OH as well though. Regular date nights? Get out of the house together for a movie, or a walk, or a meal, or whatever.

We're trying to do that now. I've heard some couples talk when they are in bed, we can't do that as I'm the first one off to bed. We sometimes talk at lunchtime on the phone but it's not the same. It will get better the older she gets and the more friends she has in the area.

ostrichnomore_2

Have breakfast in bed together and chat/snuggle in privacy then? Worth setting the alarms an hour earlier for.

Seanymph

I think you are doing admirably to open your heart and want to do the best for this young lady.

I too have a stepdaughter who had the same dependency on her father - and I have other children to compare it too.

Obviously I don't know your situation, but sense your discomfort and dissatisfaction.

The difference with us was that my OH was also uncomfortable with his daughters dependency.

There are roles in a relationship, and this man has chosen to take a life partner as well as have a daughter - therefore his life partner has the right to have expectations and her needs met as well. It's about balance. The problem is if you have a child who is not in balance, or behaving within acceptable boundaries, then it makes things out of kilter in a bad way.

Exorting the female adult to continually put herself and her needs second is not a solution - it will just break the marriage.

I don't have a solution - OH couldn't give his daughter enough attention to satisfy her, ever.

She has left home and lives with her maternal grandmother, her anger is such that she has spoken to him once in the last 10 months or so.

You two are the adults - a balanced and nurturing and respectful adult relationship supports the children. or at least it should.

Being a step mum is hard. Doing the 'right' thing is hard. And sometimes you don't even know what it is.

However if her behavour is making you unhappy and uncomfortable then you need to address that - yes she is a 'child' of the family, but that doesn't mean that at 18 all of her demands are met without question.

Sometimes tough love is the way to go.

Like I say, OH wasn't comfortable responding to his daughters continual demands for exclusivity - and she had loads of other issues and problems that I won't go into.

But I just wanted to add a differing voice to the 'put yourself second and go out for dinner once a week' response.

It's ok for you to expect your partner, who chose you and moved in with you, to treat you like a life partner.

It's ok for him to treat his daughter like a daughter.

It's not ok to hand all the power in the household to a child.

The fact that you don't have children of your own is irrelevant.

It would be ok to choose your boundaries - you get two nights without her a week, allow her dad and her one - and you and he get a weekend away a month. That would work for me, but you have to work out what would meet your needs - at the end of the day she will eventually be in her own home and you and your OH have to be ok together.

Good luck. Stepkids are difficult - we all go in with the self sacrificing happy families approach, and the reality is that rubbing along together may be the best you can achieve with her - but you aren't responsible for that - your relationship with your OH though, that you are responsible for.