living with step children

Lunar_Eclipse

wheelz wrote: »

I don't think she wants me out of the house but sometimes it feels like that. She can be rude and my partner tells me it is not my fault and he talks to her when this happens.

I don't have much advice, but just wanted to say you could feel like this with your own children (& vice versa!) I'm just entering the teenage years and think it can be really tough at times, but wonderful at others.

In terms of improving the bond between you and her, you can't force it (it might not ever happen) so I'd just be very relaxed about it and spend time doing things you both enjoy - cinema trip, walks, even grocery shopping. Just really being there for her if she needs you is plenty. And listen. Have you had a chat about it?

I don't want this to sound as bad as it will, because it's not personal about you in the slightest, but she might not want to have a relationship with you. And she doesn't need to. I'd try to respect her wishes but keep your behaviour polite and kind at all times.

My husband has a step parent (we're adults so it's quite different.) They are a very kind and nice person, but we only have a relationship with them because they are a step parent, not through choice.

Lunar_Eclipse

[QUOTE=FBaby;64159881I_understand_your_frustration_that_you_have_still_not_developped_a_bond_beyong_respectful_(at_best)_cohabitation._[/QUOTE]

Whereas I think that's an admirable goal. Why should it be any different with an 18 year old?

Errata

Sounds like there are three in the 'marriage'. Step children don't automatically have to behave like angels with their dad's live-in girlfriend, neither do the dads, neither do the girlfriends.
Have you any experience of living with a teenager? If not, perhaps your expectations are unrealistic.

wheelz

Hi thank you so much all for your reactions. The other half agrees that she should be doing more with people her age, she has started doing it a bit more, onwards and upwards. It's hard to tell what causes what and what is a result of circumstances and things that have happened if you see what I mean. And to answer a few questions no I unfortunately don't have children of my own, but that's another story.

ostrichnomore_2

Honestly if that is your life with a teenager, you are getting off easy! Read some of the other threads on here about it.

I think it's nice she still wants to do stuff with her Dad, many teenagers barely grunt at their parents. That 'Kevin' character from Harry Enfield? That's what it's like living with most teenagers.

On the 'bond', I think you have to let her set the boundaries there. Step parenting is a difficult position. Some get very close, others don't. There's no rule about it. Especially as she is not a little kid, you have to accept that you may never get very close. She probably doesn't want a second mum at her age. A civil, friendly relationship is good. You have to remember you are someone she is only connected to because of her dad - you may not have a whole lot in common otherwise. On this board at the moment is a thread about a girl who's left home and is destroying her relationship with her mother, just out of jealousy because her mother has had the nerve to start a new relationship several years after a divorce. Count your blessings.

wheelz

It's interesting I had never given some of the things that people say on here some thought. I just want to be part of the family esp. as that's what I always wanted but it feels I'm my partner's adviser (what to do when we talk about her- which I apreciate) but nothing is ever discussed with me or with the three of us (coming from her), unless I ask. Also I'm not sure that people appreciate that it means to basically not have much of a relationship with your partner as everything has to be done with the 3 of us, well it is slowly changing and it will change quicker I have a feeling now she's over 18. Never any time to ourselves in the house (or outside although it is changing). Suppose until you experience it you don't understand.

Lara44

Wheelz is it also your social life that needs worked on as well as your step daughter's? My parents spend at least one night a weekend out dancing, having dinner out or visiting friends. Maybe you could start to arrange something couple-y on one night of the weekend and also a family trip that you all do together to create some balance, for example going to the cinema?

lao_cat

wheelz wrote: »

It's interesting I had never given some of the things that people say on here some thought. I just want to be part of the family esp. as that's what I always wanted but it feels I'm my partner's adviser (what to do when we talk about her- which I apreciate) but nothing is ever discussed with me or with the three of us (coming from her), unless I ask. Also I'm not sure that people appreciate that it means to basically not have much of a relationship with your partner as everything has to be done with the 3 of us, well it is slowly changing and it will change quicker I have a feeling now she's over 18. Never any time to ourselves in the house (or outside although it is changing). Suppose until you experience it you don't understand.

My mums new partner also didn't have children and I lived with them around the same age as your step daughter. It was hard as the new partner didnt have any experience with livi g with children. When I read your post I see a young woman trying to create a new life, movi g at 16 is hard and it is tough to make new friends and create a new life for yourself at any age never mind as a teenager. I would schedule regular date nights with your partner and try and express empathy with your step daughter, she may just need some time to adjust. FWIW I have an excellent independent (eg spending time with them without my mum) relationship with my step parent now at 32, it just took like all relationships work and time and a willingness on both sides to learn and grow.

Mojisola

wheelz wrote: »

Also I'm not sure that people appreciate that it means to basically not have much of a relationship with your partner as everything has to be done with the 3 of us, well it is slowly changing and it will change quicker I have a feeling now she's over 18.

Never any time to ourselves in the house (or outside although it is changing). Suppose until you experience it you don't understand.

This is just plain silly for her to expect to be involved with everything you and her Dad do - did her parents never go out without her when she was younger? If she was still living with her Mum and Dad, I'd be very surprised if they didn't have their own social life that didn't involve her.

ostrichnomore_2

I can understand your frustration to some extent.

It's nice (and normal) for the three of you to do things together. And when you are home, it would be wrong to exclude his child from your activities.

You definitely need some time alone with your OH as well though. Regular date nights? Get out of the house together for a movie, or a walk, or a meal, or whatever.