living with step children

wheelz

I’m hoping for some advice.

My partner and I are living with his 18 year old daughter and it is causing issues. She moved in when she was 16. She doesn't have many friends, having lived in another part of the country with her mum until her 16th and is very close to her dad. Her friends are doing other things now and she is not maintaining contact on purpose. She has made a few new friends from college. My partner says she has issues because of the divorce many years ago. I know it's difficult living with teenagers anyway but this seems to be even more difficult. We have been doing most things with the three of us and although she spends quite a lot of time with him on his own and I might have days that I have no chance to be with just him or talk to him, we both think that he doesn't spend enough time with us.

She still spends most of the time in the living room with us and does only occasionally go up to her room. It sometimes feels like she doesn't like me and my partner says I need to make more efforts to create a bond with her. We chat when he's away but she doesn't share anything voluntarily apart from when we chat. Everything is shared with my partner. I had hoped that dinner time would be a time for sharing things but we seem to be talking about trivial things only. I am interested in her life and I am always asking, she is not interested in me, maybe that is normal for teenagers I don't know. She is going through a difficult time and seems affected by her mum and (ex-)partners rowing. My partner also has difficulty talking to her.

I don't think she wants me out of the house but sometimes it feels like that. She can be rude and my partner tells me it is not my fault and he talks to her when this happens. People tell me it will get better, maybe with time or if she would get a boyfriend. My partner is caught in the middle and trying his best. He has been trying to spend one evening with her and one with me, but on top of other commitments this gets much plus you can’t wait until the weekly meet to talk about things. And she doesn’t take advantage of talking to him when they have their evening together. There must be more people who are experiencing similar problems or have gone though this. Are you able to give advice how to improve things? Would counselling help, would counselling give me any ideas how to improve our bond?

System

I find it a bit unusual that an 18 year old woman would want to spend so much time with her dad. Normally teens of that age are out of the house as much as possible and it's the parents telling them not to stay out too late!

Perhaps she does have issues, - she is getting a bit old to want to monopolise her dad like this. She is an adult now, and she is living in her father and step-mother's house. It is understandable that it is causing issues, for you both, but I think possibly the root cause is not you, but the somewhat unusual relationship between her and her father?

Tiddlywinks

It's her home too... why should she spend her time in her room?

She was a child when she came to live with you and she is only just a woman... if she does have some emotional problems then she may well need the company of her dad.

Could you develop a hobby together that might help to pass the time? Join a club or go to fitness classes? That might help her to meet new people and get a bit more confidence.

She is young, she has the same 'rights' as you do at home - give her a break.

thorsoak

How long have you been with your partner? Was your home her home with her father before you moved in?

fannyanna

Am I right to presume that you do not have any children?

meritaten

well - she sounds like a normal teenager to me! except she doesn't have screaming rows, comes in at all hours, gets drunk and has to be collected from police station, doesn't live in her room, eats everything in fridge the day after you did the weekly shop.

she sounds like a nice kid apart from the fact she is very 'clingy' with her father. and I cant say much about that as I don't know the previous circumstances. she sounds insecure with him, as if she thinks he may be taken from her? in a short while she will prob be away from home with her own partner and family. Grit your teeth and smile is my advice and try reverse psychology - always worked for me with teens! Throw them together - get them doing things for you - like the weekly shop, while you have a lovely bath and some 'me' time! or send them out to kitchen to cook a meal or do the dishes.
If you try to keep them apart its going to come back and bite you on the bum!

maman

She sounds like a very normal teenager to me and perhaps even better than most in that she chooses to spend time in the living room with family rather than being in her bedroom glued to her phone/laptop.

I suppose it's only to be expected that she's a bit more comfortable with her dad at the moment as she knows him better. I'd suggest you just 'go with the flow' and in time you'll develop more of a relationship.

opinions4u

I think you could have taken on a lot worse!

Do small things for her, like making a cup of tea etc. Ask her to do the occasional small thing for you, of a similar minor nature.

Repeat.

And ask her how she feels about you being around. Show empathy for any uncertainty it brings her. By all means let her know that you're not going anywhere. But phrases like "I see you as an important part of our life" or "what do you like most about your home?" or "thanks for that, I appreciate you being around" might just change how she perceives a few things.

Good luck.

fluffnutter

I don't think counselling is appropriate here. As far as I can tell it's just a normal modern family working out how to get along. It's not easy to step-parent, it's not easy to have a step-parent but with time and patience and lots of love it can become easier.

Lower your expectations, OP - you don't have to be best mates, things don't have to be perfect, just make the effort with her and keep making it. And don't whatever you do get into some competition for your partner's affection. That's not fair on him and won't help. Be the grown up. Good luck.

FBaby

If it's been like this for 2 years, I understand your frustration that you have still not developped a bond beyong respectful (at best) cohabitation. You would have thought by now she would have opened up a bit more to you.

It sounds that both of you have good intentions, but ultimately, you are both competing against each other for your partner's time. It sounds like you are more mature than her to be able to deal with this, hence you trying to make more efforts than her.

I wonder whether considering it's been two years, you should suggest (in a you don't have too much of a choice) that you two go away for a week-end, have some good time doing things that you know she enjoys, and then open up, saying that you feel you guys havent' really bonded and you are missing this with her. Do you feel you would be able to do that?

Sazzarella

I don't understand why a fluffy relationship with a step-parent is always forced on the children. If one happens to be forged then imo you are lucky, otherwise respectful cohabitation is probably the best you're going to get.