Dilemma

Heffi1

I have had experience of this, my ex was married before we got together and had two kids, when ours came along, I always mentioned them in passing, wondering how they might be getting on (he refused to visit!) and he was uncomfortable with the subject, but my argument to that was, one day they may come into contact, and better that they know of them, than to have a surprise years down the line.

Fast forward to my daughter being 24 and visiting her dad one weekend, when her half sibling was visiting as well, after the half sibling had re established contact with his father.

Daughter told me about it when she was home and felt a bit awkward, but as I told her, we spoke openly in case something like this happened.

And it did...

ValHaller

sassyblue wrote: »

I think you should definitely tell your child since they've specifically asked. I'm not sure if your child should go looking, even when that child is 18, l think it should be upto the other child but others may disagree. What l mean to say is how has this other child been brought up, do they have a dad around, do they know that dad isn't their real dad?

You don't want your child opening a can of worms.

There is a symmetry about the situation which means that if OP's son is told not to go looking, then the other child should also be told not to go looking. And equally, if it is up to the other child to go looking then equally, it would be up to OP's son to go looking. So the logic really does not hang together.

Having said that, the warning about cans of worms is a very valid point. OP should probably reflect on how to make her son sit still and think through the consequences and how to navigate towards any encounter as part of her own preparation for telling him.

meritaten

why on earth would a child say 'I wonder if Dad had more children?' if they didn't 'know' or at least suspect that Dad did?
yes you are in a hole - and you have been thrown a ladder. come clean and tell the truth. otherwise you risk losing their trust. why keep 'His' secrets when the truth can come back and ruin your relationship with your child? doesn't make sense!

fluffymuffy

brunettifan wrote: »

I think that if the idea is that it is something they always knew about then starting the process when they are teens is too late.

Always knew from the point when it happened (as it's to do with an evil even which touched our lives) and not "always" as from birth. And no, it's not the same as the OP's situation. But sometimes all the information at once would be too much to digest.

troubleinparadise

It's never too late to come clean about the secrets - but you can also tell them that the reason you didn't say anything was because you were asked not to by their father.

I discovered after my father's death a deep and dark family secret, (not unknown siblings, but a family member's murky unlawful past) and then found my mother had known all along.

But she had been asked not to speak of it, which she had stuck to out of loyalty to my dad, and I respected her discretion on the matter.

It hasn't made any difference not knowing to your children's lives so far, and knowing of these half-siblings may or may not make any difference in the future. They may, or may not, achieve a relationship with them.

They will probably just think "silly Dad" for his secrecy, and do what they want.

Yes, maybe you will be cleaning his mess up once again, but all you can do is what is best for your children, and supporting them through what they want to do and how they handle it. It is not for them to pay for the poor parenting of their father.

Pollycat

Anyone wrote: »

Only today they said they've often wondered if x had any more children, I nearly choked on the coffee I was drinking.

I appreciate that this probably felt like a ton of bricks landing on your head but I think you missed a perfect opportunity to say 'Well, as you're asking, yes, you do have a half brother but that's all I know'.

But, there's nothing to stop you starting up a conversation and saying it now.

Hope it goes well - but keep in mind that (imho) it wasn't your place to tell your son about his father's other child.