Dilemma

Anyone

Hi all, I'm not actually new to mse but decided for this post to use a different name, friends know me by the other name.

Anyway, the thing I wanted advice about is this, many years ago the x had an affair, we parted for a while then because we had a baby we decided to try agin, within weeks I discovered he was having an affair with someone else, in between him coming back then having the second affair number one pops up to say she's pregnant to him! He didn't deny it was his, in fact when we split for good I discovered that a hell of a lot of money was missing, he eventually admitted to giving her well over £1000 to buy baby things, ironic really because our own baby had second hand stuff because it was what we could afford.

He asked me not to tell our child about the other baby, at the time, with all the stress I agreed, looking back I wish I hadn't. Now our child is 18, the other one that is my child's half brother is 15 nearly 16. And still my child knows nothing of this half brother, as the years rolled on it just never seemed the time to talk about it, each year the subject just seemed further away. You could say I buried my head in the sand about him, in no time at all he'll be 18 and could well come looking.

I told the x a few years ago that he owed to our child to tell them they had a half brother but he wouldnt, I've never heard from the x for a couple of years now, neither has our child, in fact that's caused a lot of anger because they've just about jumped through hoops to have contact with " father" . I wouldn't use the term dad because he's not one as far as I can see.

Anyway, over the last few years I've regretted not mentioning the half brother, I feel our child has a right to know but because I've never mentioned it I feel like I've dug myself into a very, very deep hole!

Only today they said they've often wondered if x had any more children, I nearly choked on the coffee I was drinking.

What I'm wondering is, should I tell? I've often wondered if the half brother knows he's a half brother, he could well coming looking himself when he turns 18.

Anyone.

paulineb_2

I have a half brother who knows nothing about me, my dads son. He remarried after my mum and he split and my dads son doesnt know my dad was ever married or had me. I know this because I tracked down my cousin and asked her to meet me and she said get lost she had other people to consider, but it was only later when I found out that he had a son, I knew what she meant. I have no wish to go upsetting his life and it was a shock when I found out.

I think the problem is, youve known about this and youve chosen to say nothing, if I were your son I might wonder why youve chosen to keep this quiet for so long.

Errata

Only today they said they've often wondered if x had any more children

Take an opportunity to bring the subject up again and tell them about their half sibling, because clearly they're ready to hear about it now.

Anyone

paulineb wrote: »

I think the problem is, youve known about this and youve chosen to say nothing, if I were your son I might wonder why youve chosen to keep this quiet for so long.

The reason I chose to say nothing was the fact it was an extremely messy divorced that dragged on for far too long, at the time our child was 2 so too young to understand. I've admitted that I've buried my head in the sand over this. I just don't know how to approach the subject now.

building_with_lego

"You know the other day, when you asked whether your father had had any more children? Well, I didn't quite know how to broach the subject with you but...."

fluffymuffy

We have something devastating that we were advised to keep from one of our children. Not forever, but for the time being. The idea is to release small amounts of information over a long time so that eventually it becomes something they always knew about. I don't know when we need to start doing that though. Perhaps in the teenage years. Small suggestions that get them interested in knowing a little more seems to be the way to manage.

GwylimT

My son has several half siblings, he knows about the ones who were born before him, but as his mum hasn't had any contact with the family for quite a few years we don't know if he has any younger half siblings. I have always just told him about them, and where possible given details, so name, age etc.

building_with_lego

fluffymuffy wrote: »

We have something devastating that we were advised to keep from one of our children. Not forever, but for the time being. The idea is to release small amounts of information over a long time so that eventually it becomes something they always knew about. I don't know when we need to start doing that though. Perhaps in the teenage years. Small suggestions that get them interested in knowing a little more seems to be the way to manage.

Obviously I don't know what the 'something' is but I would think the earlier the better, so it doesn't become a huge thing.



(It's not in any way comparable but I was wondering how to raise the concept of puberty with my children. DD was about 6 when she made a comment which was a natural lead-in to The Conversation, way earlier than I'd ever anticipated but it did break the ice with regard to the whole idea. DS was 3 and in the room so they were both included and it's now an open topic. My parents found it very difficult indeed to talk about *that sort of thing* and I wanted it to be easier for me and my two.)

brunettifan

fluffymuffy wrote: »

We have something devastating that we were advised to keep from one of our children. Not forever, but for the time being. The idea is to release small amounts of information over a long time so that eventually it becomes something they always knew about. I don't know when we need to start doing that though. Perhaps in the teenage years. Small suggestions that get them interested in knowing a little more seems to be the way to manage.

I think that if the idea is that it is something they always knew about then starting the process when they are teens is too late. Obviously, if whatever it is, is as you say "devastating" then they may need to be older to cope with it, but then you will never achieve the former.

I don't think them coping with it and feeling as if it is something they have had drip fed to them is necessarily compatible.

Anyone

Looking back I wish I'd just told our child, the father didn't want them to know.

It's the fact that my child is going to know that I've always know that I'm well aware that I'm going to have some explaining to do. The other thing is, when they time comes and I've got to come clean, so as to speak, how far do I go, after all I have an address from years ago of where he lived, do I give that or again deny any knowledge of knowing where he is? I do feel that this is something the father should be sorting, it's like I'm cleaning up his mess yet again.

Alikay

If you tell him, I wouldn't use emotive language like "half-brother" as it implies that there should be some kind of relationship between the boys. In fact all they share is some of your ex's DNA and have no more of a connection that two children born via use of the same sperm donor.

At 18 your son is old enough to know that his father got someone else pregnant during a brief affair, but presenting the child as his half brother could IMO cause your son to feel a sense of loss of a sibling who through circumstances isn't part of his life. If the younger boy at some point comes looking for his birth father, that could be the time to start using terms like half sibling, as there would potentially then be opportunity for the boys to build some kind of relationship, rather than now, when it will just emphasize loss to a young person who has already lost his dad being around daily during his childhood.