Friends with problems

Morglin

Mojisola wrote: »

Why pick out the cat and not mention pukkamum's being ill?

pukkamum - good friends mutually support each other. If these people only turn up when they want someone to moan at, they aren't friends; they are using you.

If you want to stay in contact with them, learn to change the subject. When the sex talk starts you can do anything from saying "TMI!" to sticking your figures in your ears and singing "La, la, la" until she stops!

If you stop listening to the moaning or restrict the time you let them moan by changing the subject and they start to pay attention to you, it could be they've just into the habit of moaning and the relationships could improve.

If they stop contacting you because you're no longer giving them what they want, they really aren't worth having around you. Get out and make some new friends.

I did mention her mum's illness.

Lin

Mojisola

Morglin wrote: »

I did mention her mum's illness.

Lin

It's one of the "friends" who has a Mum with dementia.

aileth

pukkamum wrote: »

One of her moans culminated in 'oh and my hubby bought me a range rover yesterday!' wow I said how wonderful, you must have been over the moon, well she replied its just a car innit!

I would've asked, "Well if you don't want it, I could do with a new car" :rotfl:

Pollycat

Friends are for the good times, not just the bad times.

If they don't understand that, they are not really friends at all.

In the past I've cut off 2 friends who used me to help them out (emotionally) but did not share good times with me.
One was a very good friend who split up with her OH.
She got back with him and didn't even tell me.

Goodbye. :cool:

Adrenalina

What fluffnutter said.

Plus: did you call your friend at all after she got over losing her mum, or did you wait for her to call you?
If you don't want to drop these friends, then test if they really are still friends (as opposed to counselling clients). Call them up to go to the funfair, watch a movie, try out a golfing range, anything active that might be fun. If they start talking about sad things, you can say "yes, I understand how worrying it is for you, I get like that when I think about my <challenge>, so let's try and get our minds off it, eh? How about some candyfloss"

There's nothing wrong with sharing your load, but you've got to be able to lighten up together, too, else there's no point.

Good luck, I know it's hard! I felt like that about my family for a while, til I realised every time they asked me "how are you" I said "fine" and turned the conversation back to them

pukkamum

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies, it's good to know i'm not the only one this happens to.
It does seem like a running theme for me when it comes to friendships, pukkadad says I have one of those faces, I stopped seeing one woman that was going through a hard time, pnd and an unsympathetic husband, she was attending a wedding and complained about nothing to wear. I leant her a full outfit including make up, shoes and accessories.
When I went to her house to collect it she claimed she had put it on the doorstep for me to collect and someone must have taken them, didn't even apologise!
I saw straight through her story.


I totally understand that my cat dying cannot be compared to a sick child or cancer testing but a slight acknowledgment would have been appreciated.


I did continue to ask the friend who's mum died round etc but was fobbed off a lot so gave up.


As Adrelina says I think I am guilty of brave facing things, I'm not one to make a huge deal of my problems so perhaps friends assume I don't need a shoulder to cry on.


Aileth my husband has said the same thing, that if she doesn't want the car we'll have it.
Said friend came round the other day, regaled me with her tales of woe, then left saying oh I feel so much better now!
I felt like saying well I bloody don't, I feel downright depressed!


Certainly as far as friend with the sick child goes I would never cut her out, we have been friends for 20 odd years but goodness sometimes it gets so her problems are all we talk about and as much as I want to help and support her it really affects me.


Clearly it is something I am doing that makes this happen!

fluffnutter

Morglin wrote: »

In response to the OP, I can understand her frustration, but cancer testing and a sick child are quite serious things, and you can't really compare a deceased cat, to be honest.

It's not a competition. There's no point system where the death of a pet gets you five minutes of 'there there' moving from divorce (half an hour), terminal illness diagnosis (two hours) right through to death of a loved one (one day to two weeks depending on how much you liked them).

KxMx

It doesn't have to be 50/50 when it comes to support in friendships, sometimes we take more than we give, but these things usually cycle round and one gets the support when you need it.

It sounds as though it's not happening for you and I am sorry. I know what I would do. I would push myself forwards to get support from them as a test and if I didn't get it after several attempts. I would cut them out.

Morglin

Mojisola wrote: »

It's one of the "friends" who has a Mum with dementia.

My mistake - my eyes and people not paragraphing.

Lin

pukkamum

Goodness just realised something, I was thinking how much better I felt about this issue after coming on here.
I feel better just for being able to fully moan and or express feelings without interruption, something my friends use me for and probably why I don't feel the need to moan or discuss my problems and or feelings to them!
I'm going to suggest they join a forum and moan on there instead, we'll all be happier.