Friends with problems

pukkamum

I always try to be a good friend, I will listen to their problems, offer advice and generally be a shoulder to cry on.
I like knowing my friends see me as someone to turn to in times of need.
However it seems as though this is all I have become and quite frankly it's dragging me down.
One friend lost her mother last year and I like to think I really helped her get through it, she came round often I listened, held her as she cried and saw her a few times a week.
However since she started to feel better I've seen virtually nothing of her, that is until a couple of weeks, she contacted me came over and told me she is going through testing for bowel cancer.
I was of course extremely sympathetic, caring etc but a little voice in the back of my brain was saying she only wants you when things are going wrong.
Another friend when she comes round does nothing but moan about her lot and given she has just come into a very large sum of money can often set my teeth on edge, particularly her moans about her hubby wanting her to spend more money on treating herself and her unwillingness too. One of her moans culminated in 'oh and my hubby bought me a range rover yesterday!' wow I said how wonderful, you must have been over the moon, well she replied its just a car innit!
My best friend gosh well I feel terrible even moaning, she is going through a lot at the moment, she has a sick child who is having an op just after xmas, her mum is showing signs of dememtia and she is struggling to deal with her other kids.
I saw her yesterday for the first time in ages and she was pouring out her troubles to me and of course I was very sympathetic however it was the first time I had seen her since I had my cat put to sleep, my mum has been found to have a blood clot and other things but not once did she ask me about any of these things.
I don't mind being a shoulder to cry on, I like to know my friends can come to me but boy is it draining.
After seeing these friends and hearing nothing but woe etc I feel depressed, tired and slightly used.
How do I stop being everyones agony aunt!
Am I being mean?
Oh and as an aside, the friend with the money talks about sex constantly, when she's not moaning, and I find it really uncomfortable.
I wouldn't call myself a prude, I will have a nudge nudge wink wink laugh about sex etc but quite frankly I don't want to hear about her sex life and all the intimate details and i'm certainly not going to talk about mine but its pretty much every time I see her!
How do I deal with that?
I don't want to cut any of these people out and I don't want to stop being there for them, just not constantly!

LandyAndy

Are you sure these people are 'friends'?

littlemisssunshinee

Oh bless you, have a ((hug)).
It does seem like your friends have either forgotten to ask about you, or are just using you (sorry, probably not deliberately).
It doesn't sound like you are getting much from the friendship - particularly with the lady complaining about the money!!

With your best friend not asking about your problems - is this usual, or is she just caught in her own problems. I think you either need to be more upfront - so bring your own things into the conversation without being asked, or you need to tell your friend how it is hurtful not being asked about yourself.

With the other friends I would seriously consider whether you are getting anything from the friendship. If not I would certainly try and see a bit less of them / make less effort. If the friend with money is just thoughtless it might be worth voicing out loud what you said here - she is annoyed about her husband buying her a car, while you are wondering whether you can afford to go for a coffee. If she can't see how ridiculous she is being then point it out!

LandyAndy

Next time they come round try and tap them for £100.


Or a £1000 for the rich one.


That should see them off.

fluffnutter

Like most things, the problem is not actually them, it's you. Not that you're not a caring, helpful person - you are, but you don't know when to stop. You're putting your friends' needs before your own. There's a fine line between altruism and martyrdom and, as you've discovered, crossing that line results in exhaustion and resentment. There's absolutely no point in being a good friend if you compromise your own needs in the process.

So... how to change things? We tend to forge patterns of relationships fairly early on and they're surprisingly difficult to change once established. You're the 'go to' friend whenever someone has a problem, that's how you're viewed; your needs, your upsets, your concerns are of less importance than your ability to provide a shoulder to cry on. Changing that will inevitably cause a bit of shock to your friends. People don't like others to behave out of character; it's confusing, particularly if that person is someone you rely on. In an ideal world your friends wouldn't take so much advantage of you but a) we can't change other people and b) you've allowed it to happen.

Only you have the power to change things - your friends won't change, there's no incentive for them to do so. You can stop simply by stopping. It won't be easy - you will feel guilty and your friends will feel disgruntled. Whenever someone contacts you to spend time with you and you feel it's likely to be simply to moan, make an excuse not to see them, or meet them and make it clear that any misery chat is not on the cards. Change the subject, suggest doing something 'to cheer you up' and refuse to become embroiled in discussion about their lives. It won't be easy but it's the healthy thing to do. Endless misery drags you down. There's being there for your friends and then there's being a doormat. Make sure you look after yourself too. Else you're no use to anyone anyway.

Dunroamin

When your mother/cat/etc had problems, did you go round to your friends for comfort and support or has it all been one sided for you as well?

Maz

I can so relate to this thread. I came to the realisation recently that most of my 'friends' contact me when they've got some crisis going on and very rarely enquire about what's happening in my life, it's all got far too one sided and yes, I understand that I have a part to play in allowing this to happen.

I'm at the stage where, if I see certain peoples' numbers ringing me, I just don't pick up because I know the kind of self centred pity party person on the other end of it!

So, am making a New Year resolution (which is something I never do!) to cull the people that bring me down on a regular basis and start developing new, healthier relationships.

Morglin

I dread picking up the phone - whether it's friends or family, they always seem to have a problem!

But, I don't mind that much really, and just pat them all on the shoulder, or try to help, if I can.

In response to the OP, I can understand her frustration, but cancer testing and a sick child are quite serious things, and you can't really compare a deceased cat, to be honest.

I do get the Dementia bit, as my mother wore me out with hers.

But, if it bothers you, get caller display and don't answer the phone.

Lin

Mojisola

pukkamum wrote: »

I saw her yesterday for the first time in ages and she was pouring out her troubles to me and of course I was very sympathetic however it was the first time I had seen her since I had my cat put to sleep, my mum has been found to have a blood clot and other things but not once did she ask me about any of these things.

How do I stop being everyones agony aunt!

Am I being mean?

I don't want to cut any of these people out and I don't want to stop being there for them, just not constantly!

Morglin wrote: »

In response to the OP, I can understand her frustration, but cancer testing and a sick child are quite serious things, and you can't really compare a deceased cat, to be honest.

Why pick out the cat and not mention pukkamum's being ill?

pukkamum - good friends mutually support each other. If these people only turn up when they want someone to moan at, they aren't friends; they are using you.

If you want to stay in contact with them, learn to change the subject. When the sex talk starts you can do anything from saying "TMI!" to sticking your figures in your ears and singing "La, la, la" until she stops!

If you stop listening to the moaning or restrict the time you let them moan by changing the subject and they start to pay attention to you, it could be they've just into the habit of moaning and the relationships could improve.

If they stop contacting you because you're no longer giving them what they want, they really aren't worth having around you. Get out and make some new friends.

paulineb_2

Morglin wrote: »

I dread picking up the phone - whether it's friends or family, they always seem to have a problem!

But, I don't mind that much really, and just pat them all on the shoulder, or try to help, if I can.

In response to the OP, I can understand her frustration, but cancer testing and a sick child are quite serious things, and you can't really compare a deceased cat, to be honest.

I do get the Dementia bit, as my mother wore me out with hers.

But, if it bothers you, get caller display and don't answer the phone.

Lin

I dont think its about comparisons. I know how upset I was when my cat of 12 years died. Its about needing a bit of support and not getting any.

To the OP, you know what these people are like, they arent going to change, you are going to either have to change the way you react to them or do yourself a favour and spend less time with them.

There are people who if you spend too much time around you, sap every bit of happiness from you, friendship should be a two way thing, if you are getting nothing back, its certainly time to evaluate.

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

I dont think its about comparisons. I know how upset I was when my cat of 12 years died. Its about needing a bit of support and not getting any.

To the OP, you know what these people are like, they arent going to change, you are going to either have to change the way you react to them or do yourself a favour and spend less time with them.

There are people who if you spend too much time around you, sap every bit of happiness from you, friendship should be a two way thing, if you are getting nothing back, its certainly time to evaluate.

Exactly.

If pukkamum likes to know that she is helping people when they need it, the Samaritans are always looking for volunteers and there are other organisations that visit housebound people or make weekly phone calls to chat to them. These people would appreciate her efforts much more than these "friends" seem to.