Confused, depression and maybe a kick up the rear.

JadedAngel88

I need advice and a swift kick up the rear. I posted on here a few years back and thankfully that man disappeared into the sunset and hasnt returned.

I have since met, in april last year, a new chap. After about 3 months together he decided he didnt want to be in a relationship and wanted to go out with his mates etc. etc. I accepted this, even though he told me that I was the one, he loved me blah blah, he also had been out of, according to him, a bad relationship. So heart broken I went on my merry way, severing all contact, deleted his number before id left the car park. It is the way I find easiest. If they want you they'll find you.

So fast forward to August this year and I get a message from this chap, that he had spent months looking for me, has missed me, Im the best girlfriend hes ever had etc. I, in the mean time, have been having a rough time at home with my daughter, thankfully thats been sorted and supported now. And I made him aware that I have been depressed for about a year. So with out boring you with the details that probably dont matter, the thing is yesterday he dumped me again after he said he would never do that, he said its so I can get well again, which I totally understand, and that he wants us to still be friends and that I am very special to him and that he doesnt want me to shut the door on him and keep in contact and text him anytime.

Now I believe that he only wants the best for me, but its the dangling of the carrot that is making me struggle. I just want to walk away, close the door and let it go. If we are to be together then we will be. But then I keep thinking that if I stay in contact and we got back together, I should keep in touch. We havent talked face to face yet, I dont think im ready for that quite yet, but I do need some advice. 80% of me wants to walk away and 20% of me doesnt. I know he is the one for me, just the wrong time, like he said to me last time, right person, wrong time.

I thank you if you've read this far and am grateful for any advice and kicks...oh and the money saving bit, is the extra £15 petrol i wont have to pay for.:rotfl:

BTW Im 41 and he's 47

FBaby

Beside turning the issue around and make it that it would be better for you to be apart, did he actually say why he wanted out? In the end, it will be something to do with something he can't cope with. What is it? Something to do with your depression, your daughter, finances?

You need to decide if: he has a good point for feeling the way he does, in which case, can you do something about it?; he can't cope with something you can't change, in which case, would he likely learn to cope, or would he be in and out all the time; or he is a control freak and unless things under his terms, he is not prepared to commit, in which case, he needs booted out for good.

All in all, it is difficult to know which direction he might take. I know people who were on and off and after a 3rd or 4th time had enough and went totally different ways, but I also know others (my mum included) who was on and off with my step-dad until they married and stayed together until he died.

SomebodyToldMe

Hi ya,
He keeps dumping you because it isn't the right time, the right circumstances etc.... for HIM.
You cut loose once- I would do the same again, and hopefully you will find someone that will love, support and put you first.
Good luck

mildredalien

JadedAngel88 wrote: »

Now I believe that he only wants the best for me

Do you really? Or do you just want to believe it?

Obviously I don't know him and what he really feels, but if he was able to break it off before just to do a bit of socialising, and has ended it again because you are depressed... well it sounds like he isn't exactly the 'through thick and thin' supportive type. Does he only want to be with you when it suits him? Or perhaps he does just genuinely struggle with relationships and needs a bit of time to get his head round it all.

Personally, I'd end all contact, ask him not to contact you again if he does actually respect and care about you, and move on with your life.

PuzzledDave

To be honest he seems a bit of a git.

" he wants us to still be friends and that I am very special to him and that he doesnt want me to shut the door on him and keep in contact and text him anytime."

Translation: "I'm off, keep my seat warm whilst I go see other women will ya love ?"

I would suggest taking him at his word, stay friends for as long as you enjoy his company - but consider any and all other offers that may happen along, and certainly don't reserve a seat...

19lottie82

Op, if your daughter came to you and said someone was treating her like this, what would you tell her to do? And would you believe they were really acting in her best interest? Think about it and youll know what to do.

I know it hurts but you'll get over it and find someone who deserves you!

JadedAngel88

Thanks for your replies.

To answer mildredalien, yes I do believe that he wants me to get better.

He said he doesnt cope well in relationships but he managed one for 6 years, and if thats the case, why did he get back in contact with me. I do honestly believe that Im better off just not contacting him. It will hurt but I got through it last time and I will this time.

SomebodyToldMe to answer the question 'did he tell me why he wanted out' he said it was so I could get well again.

Thanks for your imput I greatly appreciate it.

JadedAngel88

19lottie82 wrote: »

Op, if your daughter came to you and said someone was treating her like this, what would you tell her to do? And would you believe they were really acting in her best interest? Think about it and youll know what to do.

I know it hurts but you'll get over it and find someone who deserves you!

The same thing I'm telling myself and I tell anyone else, Just walk away and dont look back.

mildredalien

JadedAngel88 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.

To answer mildredalien, yes I do believe that he wants me to get better.

He said he doesnt cope well in relationships but he managed one for 6 years, and if thats the case, why did he get back in contact with me. I do honestly believe that Im better off just not contacting him. It will hurt but I got through it last time and I will this time.

SomebodyToldMe to answer the question 'did he tell me why he wanted out' he said it was so I could get well again.

Thanks for your imput I greatly appreciate it.

He might genuinely want you to get better (would have to be an almighty git not to!!) but in terms of wanting what's best for you overall - stringing you along and trying to keep the door open in case he changes his mind again probably isn't best for you!

jetplane

At 47 with one 6 year relationship then he's probably telling you the truth he is not good at relationships. Is it possible that he looked for you for months or would you have been quite easy for him to find? In today's social media world its not usually hard to find someone who is not hiding.

If you have been suffering from depression for a while and are still not well then it may be that you are not the person he met last year, that doesn't mean that your not worth it. Him saying that he wants you to get well is another way of saying that he wants you the way you were when you first met.

Now that's not possible because we all change, him included. However the questions I would be asking myself are why cant he have a relationship and go out with his mates, and do I want a man who is unable to support me through difficult times?

It sounds like he has a problem with commitment and maybe when you are well again you wont want him. How is this going to work is he going to contact you every few month and say are you well yet? Or do you contact him and say OK I'm fixed are we on again?

The one thing I would be sure of is that I wouldn't be working to get myself well with the purpose of being with him. You can delete his number he doesn't have to delete yours.

Fbabys post are usually spot on and I would be needing him to be more specific about what he means by get well and what it is that he can not cope with because it really is his problem.

meritaten

it sounds to me as if you know yourself pretty well. and know that keeping in contact as a friend will be bad for you. you prefer a clean break with people who have hurt you so that you can move on.
I can understand this - if you have depression anyway the last thing you need is someone you long after popping up every now and then to rub salt in the wound.
I would say to him - I really cannot cope with you half in and half out of my life - I prefer all or nothing so would prefer that you don't contact me again'.

there is a saying 'Fool me once shame on you - Fool me twice, shame on me'. he has had two chances and messed up both of them. personally he would be out of my life for good!