Could really do with a friendly ear

fbh

My old friend/neighbour is a really nice single mum of one little boy. She's had a really hard life and been through a lot and seemed to be doing quite well but I found out today (not through a third party but slightly indirectly) that she is back on crack again

I just don't know what to do. I cannot keep getting so emotionally invested in this but she came so close to losing her little lad last time and I really thought she'd got a grip on all this.

She takes great care of her lad and her house is always clean and tidy etc... (better than mine!) but just how well can you take care of a child under the influence of that?!

She has had so much support from SS and drug services, is on a methadone programme etc... The lads father is an out of control addict, constantly in and out of prision rocking up to the house and kicking off, coming in and out of the lads life. Heavies have smashed all her windows in looking for him as he crashes there when he's out. The last time I saw her she told me he'd assulted her but she refused to go to the police.

I know I should call SS but I also know that after last time she will probably lose her son at least temporarily. I feel so sad but I don't feel like I can just ignore her or her boy in this situation.

I feel guilty that maybe if i'd tried a bit harder to be there more or visit more or something I could of maybe helped....

highjewelgreen

Hello fbh,

I feel for you, it sounds like she is very lucky to have a friend like you. Have you asked her if she is back on the drug? Would she be honest with you if you did? How reliable is your third party? I ask only because people like to gossip and cause issues where there aren't any sometimes?

fbh

highjewelgreen wrote: »

Hello fbh,

I feel for you, it sounds like she is very lucky to have a friend like you. Have you asked her if she is back on the drug? Would she be honest with you if you did? How reliable is your third party? I ask only because people like to gossip and cause issues where there aren't any sometimes?

There's no third party they are facebook messages between her and the lass she is buying it from. (she gave me her fb password to send a message to someone)

I know that's kind of sneaky and I shouldn't have looked at the conversation but when the line is reading "he's on his way back with the pipe" I just felt I had to for lads sake.

I knew she was still using occassionally and hated it but kept telling myself that she was alright and it wasn't a problem...

amyloofoo

It's really nice that you're concerned for your friend and obviously care for her and her boy, but I don't *know* that it's your place to do anything at this stage other than be there to support her and encourage her to get rid of the toxic influences in her life and be more open with support services. Of course the safety of the child and your friend comes first, but without knowing more it's a difficult judgement to make and one that you're in a better position to judge than random forum users How certain are you about the information you've received? It would be awful to make a further referral to social services based on hearsay, especially if she's come close to losing custody of her child before.

If social services and a drug treatment programme are already involved then it would be very surprising if she's not already doing regular drug screening tests - these are usually a condition of treatment, especially where there are concerns about children. Are you close enough to this lady to talk about what you've heard and ask her outright if she's using again?

It's concerning that she's still allowing a violent addict into her home and presumably around her son. In the first instance though I can't help thinking it would be better if the realisation that this isn't appropriate came from her - a frank conversation about the implications of her actions and passing on the details of organisations who can help might be a good way to start the conversation. However, obviously you're in a better position to know the risks and what's actually happening - if there are any concerns that this woman or her child could be harmed then it's a police matter - but it's hard to advise from the outside.

Don't beat yourself up about the 'what ifs' though... she is an adult woman who's made her own decisions and you can't be held responsible for them. What's important now is deciding what, if anything, needs to be done to safeguard this woman and her child :grouphug:

meritaten

even if you informed SS what would they do? if the home is clean and tidy and the child is fed and clothed ...............? would they intervene?
Be honest now - would it benefit the little one to be taken into care? is he neglected or abused in any way?
I know I sound a bit 'bleeding heart' - but unless it would benefit the child to be taken into care (and sometimes 'care' is a misnomer), as long as he is cared for and loved by his mum - keep shtum.

BitterAndTwisted

The OP said "not through a third party"

Tell your friend that it won't be long before her drug use comes to the attention of outside parties who have an interest in the welfare of her child. If it was me I'd be letting SS and drug-services know. Someone who uses crack shouldn't be within 100 yards of a small child, never mind solely responsible for one.

Losing custody could be the best thing that ever happened from the child's point of view.


"I cannot keep getting so emotionally invested in this". I think you're right. Help the child but let her get on with it.

fbh

it's so hard to know what to do! She did have those things in place and she had a signed agreement with SS that she wouldn't have her ex in the house or allow any contact between him or her lad which she ignored constantly. She gave up her first 2 kids when they were babies because of the drugs.

The last she would actually talk to me about it SS were closing the case. Im trying to reach out to her about it but don't know if she will open up to me anymore.

Im not in the position I was in before when I could just pop accross the road for a cup of tea and a chat. I paid for her and her lad to come on holiday with us earlier in the year but since then she's withdrawn a lot from me because of the grief she got from her "friends" who wanted to know how she could suddenly afford to go on holiday and wanted to borrow/steal money off her or empty her cupboards etc...

I think I'm possibly the only person in her life who doesn't take advantage of her. But i'm pushed away because it makes her realise that the other people in her life are 'scum' in her words.

Toto

meritaten wrote: »

even if you informed SS what would they do? if the home is clean and tidy and the child is fed and clothed ...............? would they intervene?
Be honest now - would it benefit the little one to be taken into care? is he neglected or abused in any way?
I know I sound a bit 'bleeding heart' - but unless it would benefit the child to be taken into care (and sometimes 'care' is a misnomer), as long as he is cared for and loved by his mum - keep shtum.

I think the heavies turning up at the house smashing all of the windows looking for the dad would be pretty traumatic for the child and not at all safe. Nor would being in an environment where he is witnessing domestic violence. This sounds like a pretty scary place for a young boy to be, far more than clean clothes and a full belly could make up for.


I would speak to the friend and tell her just what you've said here. Remind her how close she came to losing her son and ask her to make the choice between drugs and the child. I know addiction is a disease but there is an element of choice here, the mum knows this is not how a child should be raised and she is choosing drugs over her son's best interests. Sometimes people need a hard frank reminder of what they are losing before they are truly ready to change. People can and do change, people give up addictions every day, but it has to come from the gut, there has to be a real desire to do whatever it takes, sometimes that desire can only come from rock bottom. I would absolutely call social services for the sake of this child, if she is on crack then whatever support is currently in place isn't working and that needs to be addressed before there is any more risk to the child.

highjewelgreen

Oh I see, then there is no chance of crossed wires.

This is a difficult one my first feeling was that (if I was you) I would talk to her about it and make myself available to support her in anyway possible to stop but the I would contact SS too, if there is any possibility of danger to the child then I think you have to. She never needs to know that you did and if they find your fears to be unfounded then there is no harm done.

amyloofoo

If she had agreements in place to keep her and her son safe, and social services aren't aware that she's breaking these, then it does sound as though they need to be informed. Again, it's hard to tell without the full facts, but given what you've now said it sounds as though you may have come to the end of what you can do to support this lady, both in terms of her distancing herself from you and in terms of your own emotional health. It may be time to let the professionals do their job and remove yourself from the situation, whilst being there for this lady and her son as much as you can cope with and she will let you.

Tiddlywinks

A child should never have to live with a crack head mother - full stop.

Crack is one of the most addictive substances out there - it becomes the centre of an addict's universe... they can turn to crime (prostitution, theft etc) to fund the habit.

You should report it for the sake of the child.