Debt, drink and 20somethings

nickj_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Being second-best to the man in your life can't do your self-esteem much good.

Even if he was the absolute "one" who was worth waiting for, I'd still tell him to come back when he had left his wife and I'd socialise with other people until then.

sounds more like he's having his cake and eating it , he wouldn't be the first one to say , i"i need to stay for the sake of the kids" and then 5 yrs later you find he's still there ,

new_year_new_start

Thanks for pointing me in the direction of the The Giving Up/ Cutting Down alcohol support thread - number 12 thread 5 year.

It looks really goodI'll have to join in on Jan 2nd when I begin my campaign. It must help reading posts from people in the same boat.

ViolaLass

How does your OH intend to reconcile not wanting his kids to hate him for leaving their mother and, well, leaving their mother?

How long have you been together? Has he taken active steps towards your life together?

urbanlegend11

Been reading through your thread on a hard night shift Well done you for getting on track and recognising your situation.
On the alcohol front i have given up drinking for going on 10 months and i was the type that everyone would say would NEVER give up.
Can i suggest an absolutely brilliant book by Jason Vale called "Kick the drink...easily" It really helped me on my way to freedom and puts it all into perspective.

System

Hello, Good afternoon and a Happy New Year 2014

I was reading over my last post and am so glad that I actually took the time to jot down my aspirations for myself over the xmas period. All I can say it went disasterly wrong, but at least I had a benchmark to work towards and some measure of how bad I was. Im looking at this as a positive and aspire to being better next xmas, learning methods during the year to ensure this.

My weekend away with OH and 5 other couples was great fun, everything I expected and more BUT I spent more than I had budgeted for, drank more than I would have wished to and felt I had a cold or something coming on, so was partying well under parr. CONTROL (or lack of it) with money and drinking went out the window

Pre, post xmas and new year was a blurr spending more than I could afford, coughing until my ribs hurt, sounding like Bonny Tyler and drinking a mixture of lemsip and copious amounts of wine (obviously not in the same glass)

The day after boxing day, (I had the time to be sick now), I begged for a GP appointment and left armed with antibiotics to make me well. Now you would think this would have stopped me swallowing wine and taking back control. Nope, not a bit of it - I ordered Chinese food (a couple of times) for myself and DD (I couldnt afford this, but sure) and I washed it down with enough wine to sink a battleship (ok I may be exaggerating slightly) but it certainly was not a recommended amount on top of medication.

On the positive side we all, as in DD, DS2 and DIL had a very good xmas, despite DS1 deciding not to come home so the 3 kids were split for the first time. DS1 worked all through xmas (to pay off his credit card) and hates xmas anyway so it worked out well for us all. We didnt have to look at his 'grinch-like' face and he didnt have to suffer us being all full the xmas spirit

NYE was spent at a house party, most of the night I cant remember, but apparently I was the life and soul and crawled into bed at 5.30 am. It was a nice compliment to have received but what the crowd didnt see was the 'come down' I experienced on NYD and am still feeling I know it will pass if I keep AF

The lesson out of all of this is planning and control. Plan better with money and control my hand to mouth movement with wine

What is there to look forward to in January. My DS2 and wife head to SA for 8 months to undertake some charity work they have saved hard to self fund. My DD is moving into their house to house sit and also to claw back her the independence and freedom she experienced at Uni. I am a very proud mum.

Moi, I will basically be child/young adult free not only in terms of responsibility but also in subsidising anyone. This will be the first time in my life that I will only be financially responsible for myself, so no excuses now for overspending!!

The OH and I have booked 2 days away on a Groupon type deal at the end of January to work out IF or how we take things from here (money well spent )

In answer to a post - how will he keep his kids on side? He keeps his wife on side and makes the split as amicable as possible, although this didnt happen to me I have seen where it has worked, particularly if the father accepts his responsibilities and doesnt disappear to start a new life - and yes I am happy if he has a good relationship with his ex-wife, that would be my preference, but whether he does it in a way that suits our relationship will remain to be seen.

New_Year_New_Start - its good to see you on the other thread. They are a brill bunch and I really hope you get out of it as much as I have in the short time I have been posting

Sooooo 2014 is going to be a fantastic year for us all

Thank you for reading

** Upwards and Onwards **

BitterAndTwisted

You are deluding yourself if you think that you have an "Other Half". You don't: you have someone else's.

How does it feel to be emotionally attached to a man who betrays the one he made promises to all those years ago every single day?

Ever heard that phrase about the man who marries his mistress is just making a vacancy for a new one? This is not a hoary old saw, it's a truth.

My sister was in the very same situation as you are in now. Except that she ended her marriage of twenty-odd plus years to be with him after he put her "on hold" for a very long time because his children were so young. He never left his wife despite his assurances that he would and is still living a lie. Meanwhile she's still seeing him years later and I fear that she will never meet anyone else as long as she's emotionally attached to him. Please don't be that woman or you really could be taking to the bottle with a vengeance.

paulineb_2

5-year_plan wrote: »

Hello, Good afternoon and a Happy New Year 2014

I was reading over my last post and am so glad that I actually took the time to jot down my aspirations for myself over the xmas period. All I can say it went disasterly wrong, but at least I had a benchmark to work towards and some measure of how bad I was. Im looking at this as a positive and aspire to being better next xmas, learning methods during the year to ensure this.

My weekend away with OH and 5 other couples was great fun, everything I expected and more BUT I spent more than I had budgeted for, drank more than I would have wished to and felt I had a cold or something coming on, so was partying well under parr. CONTROL (or lack of it) with money and drinking went out the window

Pre, post xmas and new year was a blurr spending more than I could afford, coughing until my ribs hurt, sounding like Bonny Tyler and drinking a mixture of lemsip and copious amounts of wine (obviously not in the same glass)

The day after boxing day, (I had the time to be sick now), I begged for a GP appointment and left armed with antibiotics to make me well. Now you would think this would have stopped me swallowing wine and taking back control. Nope, not a bit of it - I ordered Chinese food (a couple of times) for myself and DD (I couldnt afford this, but sure) and I washed it down with enough wine to sink a battleship (ok I may be exaggerating slightly) but it certainly was not a recommended amount on top of medication.

On the positive side we all, as in DD, DS2 and DIL had a very good xmas, despite DS1 deciding not to come home so the 3 kids were split for the first time. DS1 worked all through xmas (to pay off his credit card) and hates xmas anyway so it worked out well for us all. We didnt have to look at his 'grinch-like' face and he didnt have to suffer us being all full the xmas spirit

NYE was spent at a house party, most of the night I cant remember, but apparently I was the life and soul and crawled into bed at 5.30 am. It was a nice compliment to have received but what the crowd didnt see was the 'come down' I experienced on NYD and am still feeling I know it will pass if I keep AF

The lesson out of all of this is planning and control. Plan better with money and control my hand to mouth movement with wine

What is there to look forward to in January. My DS2 and wife head to SA for 8 months to undertake some charity work they have saved hard to self fund. My DD is moving into their house to house sit and also to claw back her the independence and freedom she experienced at Uni. I am a very proud mum.

Moi, I will basically be child/young adult free not only in terms of responsibility but also in subsidising anyone. This will be the first time in my life that I will only be financially responsible for myself, so no excuses now for overspending!!

The OH and I have booked 2 days away on a Groupon type deal at the end of January to work out IF or how we take things from here (money well spent )

In answer to a post - how will he keep his kids on side? He keeps his wife on side and makes the split as amicable as possible, although this didnt happen to me I have seen where it has worked, particularly if the father accepts his responsibilities and doesnt disappear to start a new life - and yes I am happy if he has a good relationship with his ex-wife, that would be my preference, but whether he does it in a way that suits our relationship will remain to be seen.

New_Year_New_Start - its good to see you on the other thread. They are a brill bunch and I really hope you get out of it as much as I have in the short time I have been posting

Sooooo 2014 is going to be a fantastic year for us all

Thank you for reading

** Upwards and Onwards **

What age are his kids? Im afraid I cant understand why someone would stay in a dead marriage, see someone else on the side and then think hes going to walk out of his marriage and start seeing someone else and its all going to be roses around the door.

Does his wife know he's seeing you? Do his kids?

Very well done to you for having the strength to change so many aspects of your life, but I dont understand how someone can refer to another person as their other half and that other half is married and still lives with his wife and kids.

I'll keep it short and sweet, you deserve better.

Errata

I have to agree with B&T. OP, you don't have an OH - he has a bit on the side whom he fits into his life at his convenience.
Don't think for one second you're the love of his life, you're not - his wife and children are and that's why he's with them and not you.

ska_lover

I am so sorry OP, I have to agree with what Bitter & Twisted are saying. You are worth more than what this man is giving you. You know this.

IMO this is a huge contributor of why you drink so much as you are desperately unhappy with the situation as it is and is leading to very low self esteem, and it is sad to see.

I fear you could be wasting what could be some of the best years of your life, waiting on a man that will not commit to you.

Even if he did, how could you ever trust him in a million years, knowing he has the capacity to cheat on a marriage. That would be the killer for me, the lack of trust. You know what kind of man he is.

System

Awww folks - I cant or wont dispute any of the comments posted. 2 years ago I would have said exactly the same. At this moment in time its one step at a time, my relationship is probably the bottom of my 'to sort out' list. My finances and drinking are my priorities. I have come a long, long way from my separation and learned a lot. My past priority was to keep my kids together as a family and support them through their education and start of their careers - pretty time consuming for a single mum working full-time, but it was achieved so now it is time to focus on my goals of managing money and cutting down on the booze. The relationship with TMM (The Married Man) (I will refer to him as that from now on - taking on board the previous comments) will happen if its meant to be. Yes I do feel guilty about his wife but I love his company and I believe it wont be long from now that it will either go forward or it will end - its not a situation I would ever I thought I would be in :-(