Debt, drink and 20somethings

Legacy_user

Hello

I just thought I would start my own journal. I keep threatening to and start a new page every other month, this has been going on for 2 or 3 years now.

I enjoy typing and letting the words just flow so when I stumbled upon MSE a new world opened up to me. A new world in terms of trying to manage my debt, cutting down on my alcohol intake and dealing with the stress caused by both of these things thereby culminating in my feeling of being a bad parent.

A bit about me. My mother died when I was twelve. I have 1 sister and 1 brother. I married in my early 20s and was divorced from him in my late 40s...we have 3 children, 2 boys and 1 girl all in their 20s now.

Where I am now? Broke, I drink too much wine in the evenings and am struggling to find my role as a mother to three 20somethings and in a relationship with a man who is still living in his family home with his wife so that a) they can seperate amicably b) the kids wont hate him for leaving their mother = Im 'the other woman'. I suffered from clinical depression and have worked hard to manage it and watch out for the triggers so I work hard not to go back to that place again.

On the positive, I work full-time, with a hefty mortgage on my own home and a fairly positive outlook on life. I have a great circle of friends and had an fantastic social life (hence some of the debt), so I have curbed that dramatically. I am fit and healthy and enjoy lots of exercise (keeps the 'stressed periods' at bay).

What am I doing about my 3 key problem areas?

I joined MSE forum and it has given me no end of encouragement in feeling I can and will beat this debt, reduce my wine evenings to a social drink and move into a different phase of parenting with my kids.

Reading some of the posts has encouraged me to think about boundaries and taking control of my life in these 3 keys areas.

That's me started folks :j

Feel free to pop in and fill this thread with words of wisdom, encouragement and tips. Hopefully we will all get something out of this - I know I certainly will. What a great bunch MSE posters are :T

justanopinion

Hi 5 year plan! Nice to meet you.

Not sure I can offer many words of wisdom, but I can say with certainty drinking does escalate and what becomes a post-work "me-time" drink can suddenly end up all consuming!

The first thing is admitting you need to make changes, and you have done so very clearly and know what the areas are.

Everything is progress once you know what it is you wish to change as you cannot take back the realisation once you've had it!

All the best. x

harrys_nan

Hi,
It's good to see someone so positive about the changes they want to make in their life.
It will be good to cut your red wine right down, to much drinking ages you lol. I'm your kids will behind you in your quest.
I haven't any advice to give , I just wanted to say good luck,

January20

Well, I've subscribed to your thread so keep writing

You say you are broke and drink to much wine. If you stop drinking wine, you will same a lot of money I'm sure. Wine is expensive these days. You could save that money in a little pot and see how much you have saved every month. I also find with things I can't resist that the best way to not consume them is to not buy them in the first place!

Once you stop drinking so much, I'm sure you will feel even better and your outlook on life will be even more optimistic and positive!

System

Good morning

I had a great meal out last night with my brother and sister. This is the first time we have all been living together in the same city for 33 years, so it was a bit of a reunion. It feels like the final piece of my mental and emotional jigsaw has fallen into place and I feel a confidence to deal with my 3 goals and keep plugging away at them.

My brother paid for the meal, which was so sweet of him so no cost there and I drove which meant I didnt touch a drop of wine and I did taxi for my DD, who was very grateful. So definitely a win win situation for me yesterday.

Today is another day. I had to leave DD's car to the mechanic and walk the mile into work. Again a win, win - DD was grateful and I got some exercise.

I am working on fitting into the little black number for Saturday night and it is happening :rotfl:

I will have another wine free night tonight because I will be working until 10pm. Straight home and into bed - yes I am determined that I will not detour to the supermarket to pick up the lovely 'cheap' wine cause I can and cause Ive had a long day and need to unwind (or any other excuses I can find ). So more money saved.

To date I have had 7 no alcohol free nights or (AF nights) so roughly working out a bottle at a fiver a pop - I have saved a max of £35 - happy days :j

I have managed to get a 0% interest over draft for 12 months and a 0% credit card for 26 months and transferred some (just a little dent) onto these so when I make the payments next month it will be paying off the debt rather than the interest and a few piddly £££s.

I have learnt so much on this site - it is becoming a life-line.

**Upwards and onwards to another great day**

Austin_Allegro

The problem with alcohol is the more you have the less effective it becomes. The way I cut down on drinking was by:

a. realising that the more I drank, the less effect it had, so if I cut down, I would enjoy alcohol more;

b. realising that everything in the body is in balance, and if you take a drug (alcohol) that relaxes you and makes you feel happy artificially, your brain wants 'payback', which means a hangover the next day, with stress and depression - which in turn makes you want another drink. That may not be true for all, but it was for me.

So I'd say try to cut down the drinking by realising you'll actually enjoy it more that way!

poorly_scammo

Hello,

I'd try to stop drinking not only because of the cost but also because alcohol can be detrimental to those who've had/have mental health problems.

Keep posting. You'll find it theraputic I think.

Lilly11a

Just a quick suggestion re the drinking in the evening that helped me.


With me some (a lot ) of it was boredom in on my own of a evening so now, if it's just me I go swimming( its quite difficult to drink wine and swim at the same time ).


This has helped my fitness no end plus at £4 a time its cheaper than a bottle of wine .


Swimming might not appeal but try and find another activity you can go out to

System

Thanks again all of you for your helpful suggestions.

I know the long evenings are part of the problem so have taken steps to tell my DD that I cannot be her buffer anymore.

DD returned from Uni in May (she lived away from home for 3 years) and has done nothing but moan about this and that since she arrived home. I have tried very hard to support her but found that the routine that I had got into was disrupted and my old habits to escape with wine in the evening were returning.

I have 3 kids all of whom over the past 5 years have returned home after Uni and complained about having to move back home etc. etc (poor babies/poor me ). DS1 over a period of 3 years moved out and back in when it suited him, DS2 is happily married, but DD appears to be following in DS1's footsteps.

Basically a couple of weeks ago I was at my wits end with DS1 and his GF and DD to the extent that I swallowed a bottle of wine practically in one go just to get drunk.

This was the LBM for me - I realised that I needed to get back to the gym, running, swimming, yoga etc that I enjoyed pre-DD return from Uni time.

Without going into the whole story I told DS1 and DD that I needed to go back to doing my own thing, but also to ask them to think what is was they wanted from me as a parent, cause I sure as heck havent a clue. :mad:

DD has decided she is moving out in January 2014 - I feel a dreadful sense of guilt but I need to protect myself mentally and emotionally

So the long and the short of it is yes I am returning to exercise and have worked very hard from last Wednesday to remain AF in the evenings and get back to the gym.

I have an great weekend planned and although I will have a few glasses of wine I will be more aware of what and how much Im drinking and I have budgeted for the weekend, which is exciting me. I have only me to think about and no kids to subsidise so no unexpected expenditure.

I really feel for the first time, in I dont know how many years, probably ever, that Im taking control back (thanks to the OH - I know he is a married man but he's very good with money and has taught me a lot). I know I will get my debts down, drink sensibly and regain that wonderful relationship I had with my kids.

Sorry for rabbiting on but I really feel this helping to put it down in black and white.

I am so encouraged by all your help - so again thank you everyone.

**Upwards and onwards**

January20

5yp, my DD moved out earlier this year, and I felt guilty as well because I had asked her (and her BF) to move out. I felt like I was throwing my baby out in the cold but a few months on, I can say that it was the best thing for them and me and DD and I have a brilliant relationship again now, and see each other very regularly. I'm sure you will find the same and your daughter will grow up quickly not living back with her parent!

Mojisola

5-year_plan wrote: »

in a relationship with a man who is still living in his family home with his wife so that a) they can seperate amicably b) the kids wont hate him for leaving their mother = Im 'the other woman'.

Being second-best to the man in your life can't do your self-esteem much good.

Even if he was the absolute "one" who was worth waiting for, I'd still tell him to come back when he had left his wife and I'd socialise with other people until then.