Debt, drink and 20somethings

egoode

Mojisola wrote: »

Being second-best to the man in your life can't do your self-esteem much good.

Even if he was the absolute "one" who was worth waiting for, I'd still tell him to come back when he had left his wife and I'd socialise with other people until then.

I was thinking the same. He really needs to get his own life sorted out before he can really be there as a partner for you. It's great he's been helping you with sorting out your money issues but given you have had issues with clinical depression I would think a relationship like this is the last thing you need.

itsanne

5-year_plan wrote: »

in a relationship with a man who is still living in his family home with his wife so that a) they can seperate amicably b) the kids wont hate him for leaving their mother = Im 'the other woman'.

Looking for support via this thread was a great idea, and it looks as though you have already made a promising start to your new life. The part of your post which I have quoted, though, concerns me greatly.

I'm sure you genuinely believe that this man's marriage is to all intents and purposes over. Unfortunately the explanation he has given you for remaining with his wife does not ring true. Parts a and b don't compute - part b suggests he is not planning to separate at all. He is making excuses to have his cake and eat it. Many, many "other women" have been taken in by the same nonsense, but nonsense it is. Are you content to be "the other woman" when the situation is that he has no intention of leaving his wife?

In my opinion, two things make that an unsatisfactory situation. First of all, I agree with Mojisola. At a time when you are trying hard to improve your life, always taking second place to the wife will not be good for your self esteem. It will also be very frustrating that you won't be able to be with him at particular times because he will "have to" be with his family. Actually, he'll be choosing to be with them. Secondly, once you recognise the true situation, no matter how much you want to be with this man you are likely to end up feeling guilty. That won't help either. I hope that you see yourself as being worth more than that.

I wish you very well in your attempts to improve your situation and am confident that you will have a lot of support on here.

originator

the above post is so true.......
what I would also say is drinking on your own in the house is a big no no,with alcohol you need the mutual lightheartedness of other people on the same plane,I go to the pub to drink,never ever on my own with four walls.

System

Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice this evening

I have taken all of it on board

• Happy about DD moving out
• Resisting that 'chilled out' glass of wine when I am in the house on my own AND only when Im with company
• Getting rid of the OH is maybe a step too far at the moment but certainly it is a distinct possibility, so when I feel enough is enough I wont hesitate to end it - but hopefully it won't come to that

Tomorrow is another day :j I am already getting through December stronger and more content

egoode

5-year_plan wrote: »

[*]

Resisting that 'chilled out' glass of wine when I am in the house on my own AND only when Im with company

I must admit I've always had a rule for myself that I must not drink alone. However, after my mother died I stopped following it and really got into a very bad place very quickly. Luckily 6 months later I woke up to myself and realised how bad my drinking had gotten and reinstated the 'no drinking alone' rule.

To stop myself being tempted I tried to make sure I only bought wine when I knew people were going to be coming over and try and buy only small amounts so there was none left when they left. This way when I was tempted to have a drink it was quite difficult to get one if there wasn't alcohol in the house.

5-year_plan wrote: »

Getting rid of the OH is maybe a step too far at the moment but certainly it is a distinct possibility, so when I feel enough is enough I wont hesitate to end it - but hopefully it won't come to that

I hope my earlier comment about your relationship didn't upset you but at least make sure you are getting what you need out of the relationship and it's not just about him getting everything he wants. I didn't mean that you should end the relationship as only you can decide that but made the comment hoping you would evaluate if it is the right relationship for you as from the little you said alarm bells did start ringing for me. It seems to me you are already thinking about what you are getting from it and that's good and hopefully it can open up a conversation for the two of you about a way forward with your relationship that works for both of you.

new_year_new_start

Hi I'm so glad I came on this site and saw this post. I have also slipped into the habit of over drinking at home. I'm mid 40s happily married with grown up kids.
I got a letter from my doctors 2 weeks ago to go in for a health check, I went and they took my blood and urine to check. When I told the nurse how much I drank I could see by the look on her face I was going to get bad news when I returned for the results a week later.

I went back last week and to both her and my amazement all my results were very good (I could probably lose 6lbs but who couldn't?).

This has given me time to reflect on my future health and the amount of money I've been spending (wasting) on alcohol. When I reflect on the cost of alcohol I realised that in 15 years it's doubled in price! My wages have remained the same over this period, I am now spending more on alcohol than any other outgoing which is shocking!

I aim to stop drinking completely after new years day till I go on holiday in September next year. I want to see how much I can save between jan-sept.

So good luck with your 5 year plan! I'll be watching to see how you get on.

System

Good morning one and all

What a fantastic morning. I woke up this morning feeling rested. I cant remember the last time I felt like that. No shakes or feeling 'right tonight I wont drink', just a sense of calmness. DD has become an angel, we are being 'polite' to each other, and she has certainly curbed her snappy tongue - long may it last. DS1 has gone off the radar and licking his wounds - well he is 28 so a big boy and I am tired of !!!!! footing around him. He has made the decision not to come home for Christmas so he will have to live by that call.

I was offered a free session on the vibro-plate yesterday, a very kind gesture by a lovely woman who runs the salon I go to. This is not the first time she has 'thrown' something in for free, so in a way of thanking her I decided to buy her a good bottle of white wine as a way of saying I appreciated her kindness over the course of 2013.

Dilemma 1, when do I buy the wine? If I go after work then the wine is sitting in my house just asking to be opened so I decided to go before work this morning. Such a small thought process which would probably be completely natural to someone else, was a major mountain climbed for me.

Dilemma 2, can I afford it? But then could I afford not if this goodwill gesture meant that someone who was kind to me, felt appreciated and in context of my saving pennies - I hoped the freebies would continue next year. A win, win (I hope). The wine cost £6.99 and was half price. I was very pleased with my purchase cause I know it is a good wine - phew!! that was all before I went to work.

Egoode - no offence taken at all. I invited opinion and value each and every persons thoughts, advice and comments.

NYNS - Welcome!! Drinking more and more just creeps up doesnt it. My battle with alcohol started when I was 15 and the only completely free periods were the 3 times I was pregnant and for 3 months after the initial seperation 7 years ago, as I wanted to keep my wits together. The most I have ever remained alcohol free (AF) would probably be a week or two, then there was always some reason to start up again. I subscribe to another thread (The Giving Up/ Cutting Down alcohol support thread - number 12) which is brilliant and has really helped me remain AF for the last 8 nights - the guys are so encouraging.

I have a lovely evening planned to pamper myself for the big weekend ahead with OH and a bunch of friends, grab a few more 'secret santa' pressies and remain AF.

Have a great day everyone

**Upwards and onwards**

aileth

As someone who fell into the routine of having a glass of wine (or two or three depending on my mood) each evening, and my experience with an alcoholic mother who is making a lot of progress, the best thing to do is not to have it in the house. When it is just sat there looking at you in the fridge, it is so easy to just pour it out. When you have to walk or drive to the shop to actually get it, it suddenly seems a lot less enticing.

Before I used to come home from work thinking bloody hell that was a hard day, I could murder a glass of wine. Go to the fridge, nothing there, can't be arsed to go to the shop, just didn't have it. I suppose it helps a bit that I'm too scared to go to the shop as there have been a string of muggings on the path from here to there, I suppose I should send the local thugs a christmas card or something.

harrys_nan

Just want to say well done on drinking less, thats a very good start, especially the not shaking, that must be a positive
Please think about telling your man to come back when he and his wife have parted, that cannot be doing your confidence a lot of good, you probally feel down when he is at his home and your on your own, hence having another glass of wine or two.You do deserve better and you do know that xx

System

Good morning diary and anyone else who happens to pop along

I had a lovely evening yesterday, my sister and I went window shopping. Now that doesnt seem very exciting but bear in mind that she has only returned to live in this country after 33 years away so technically I have never had a sister, and to boot when we were younger we didnt get on so it was just fantastic to experience xmas window shopping with my little sister :j

Now for the good bit. I refrained from spending money on anything other than I had on my list. The list contained items that I required purchasing for the 'big weekend' with OH and the gang. I decided on not getting my nails done for the xmas party tomorrow night but rather stick false ones on myself SO i trundled along to Poundworld and purchased a set of nails and nail varnish for £1 each - yahhhh!! at least £37 saved :j They look good!!

I also picked up a box of gift cards £1 - so that's my secret santa groupon deals nicely presented. (Saving approx £5). Sorry if this doesnt make sense to any readers but it does to me

Now the bit I love!! Seeing the faces of people that I hold most dear light up when they receive a gesture that is totally unexpected In Poundworld they had wine glasses that were handpainted with xmas santas, xmas trees, holly etc. As we are all having a pre-drink before the meal in OH and my room (Im decorating it with tree, sparkly lights etc - this is just to set the scene) I purchased 12 glasses (one for each of us) to toast being together and to keep as a souvenir of the evening - now I know this is being extravagent but I just couldnt resist and the total for a dozen glasses was ONLY £12 :T but I reckoned it was worth spending that money, cutting back on a few glasses of wine tomorrow night to see their smiley faces:j I know, I know this must stop but just one last gesture before the end of 2013.

Onto the evening - I had a great time sorting out my nails and doing all the girly things I love - I was up to 2am and didnt touch a drop of wine, I had 2 apple juice and soda waters in a wine glass and listened to the voice in my head saying dont drink alone. This voice is from the other thread I tap into and is my saviour in this area

Today has started really well, because I have a clear head I am whizzing through my work, Im on a half day cause OH is meeting me at 1.30 to start the weekend I really do love his company

I also purchased the soap and glory set for DD - thankyou MSE website, that's another bargain snatched up DD will be so delighted she loves S&G.

DD was in great form this morning - I do see a positive change in her since 'our clash' but also I see a change in myself without the anxiety and frustration that wine fueled evenings was leaving me with

Anyway diary, Im away now to fill in my excel spreadsheet of my spending last night and this morning and also of the potential savings I have made

I feel empowered this morning - to anyone still reading - have a fantastic weekend and I will call back on Sunday or Monday with an update :j

**Upwards and Onwards**