Son quit University

fifi35

Just had the above bombshell. My 19 yr old son has quit uni in his second year. He is in a low mental state at the moment and says he has lost his confidence and just can;t face people. I am not sure what exactly has gone on but he is coming home tomorrow with his belongings. There is only me and him in our family.

I am so disappointed and gutted at this news but don't want to show it as I don't want him to feel there is no hope.

I am very concerned about his mental state at the moment as he seems really depressed. Has anyone else been through this experience and and offer some advice.

I am still in shock and cant think straight at the moment.

Thank you in advance.

Lomcevak

Mrs. L is a university lecturer, and i've just asked her thoughts - she says that it's not uncommon, there are usually several students in each year group who go through something like this, one of her students last year dropped out for a while, rejoined, graduated with a 2:1 and is now doing a MA with her, so it's not automatically the end of the world.

She says - get in touch with the university student advice service and your son's tutor or head of department as soon as possible. They'll work with you and him to find a way forward, but need to know what is happening - he mustn't just disappear. Often it is just a case of things building up over time, with the student feeling things have become hopeless and can't be fixed. Generally there are ways forward, and most things can be sorted out

Good luck!


edit to add: she also says that sometimes dropping out can be the right thing, but keep all options open until it is clear that is the right thing to do. So talk to the university, you can do it if your son isn't prepared to

Tigsteroonie

Be grateful he's coming home, and don't crowd him.

My brother dropped out of university in year 2 over twenty years ago, and he disappeared for a substantial number of months, causing my family a huge amount of grief and having a profound effect on my own educational career.

Wicked_witch

Second year is the hardest- so much already done, yet so much left to do! And the pressure will have started to really be getting good marks now.

I left in my second year due to depression, but re-took it and got a good degree, just a year late. So it's not all over by any means!

Reassure him, get him to a doctor and try not to worry about his life being ruined or anything. He can go back or he can go to work, whichever he prefers.

Do make sure you let the student finance people know if applicable as you don't want any overpayments there.

fifi35

Thank you so much for your reply. Apparently my son has been to see his year tutor and she has signed off the withdrawal forms so I think its too late now. From what I can gather he said his timetable was messed up for the first 3 weeks (have confirmed this with uni) then his timetable was wrong so he ended up in the wrong groups. When he finally went in the right groups he perceived that everyone else had formed relationships. He said he tried to be friendly but they seemed to just ignore him. Each time he lost more and more confidence until he stopped going to his seminars. I think things have just snowballed and he couldn't seem to get out of a vicious circle. He is quite sensitive and young for 19. It is such a shame as he gets on well with his housemates, has a great social life and loves the course he is on. He has just got it into his head that everyone in his seminars thinks he's a gimp. HIs word not mine.

pmlindyloo

fifi35 wrote: »

Just had the above bombshell. My 19 yr old son has quit uni in his second year. He is in a low mental state at the moment and says he has lost his confidence and just can;t face people. I am not sure what exactly has gone on but he is coming home tomorrow with his belongings. There is only me and him in our family.

I am so disappointed and gutted at this news but don't want to show it as I don't want him to feel there is no hope.

I am very concerned about his mental state at the moment as he seems really depressed. Has anyone else been through this experience and and offer some advice.

I am still in shock and cant think straight at the moment.

Thank you in advance.

You need to wait until your son comes home and then play it by ear. At the moment you have no idea whether he has formally quit or just left because he is feeling 'down'.


Don't bombard him with questions. Just give him a hug and welcome him home. The questions can come later.


Once the dust has settled you can follow the given advice and get him or you to contact the university for advice and support. This is important because of the loans etc involved and, of course, because there will be people who are concerned.


If he needs support from his doctor because he has become depressed then you can deal with this too.


At the moment you have no idea of the problem. You are imagining the worse, naturally. My daughter and many of her peers were occasionally unhappy at uni and had times of deep anxiety for one reason or another. Eventually you will find out whether it is a 'blip' or something more.


I do agree that uni is just not for some people and if I may say so (and it is meant just as a gentle nudge) your 'disappointment' concerns me just a little. I hope it just came across as the wrong word to use and it is because your son is unhappy and not because you want him to go to university.

GothicStirling

fifi35 wrote: »

Thank you so much for your reply. Apparently my son has been to see his year tutor and she has signed off the withdrawal forms so I think its too late now. From what I can gather he said his timetable was messed up for the first 3 weeks (have confirmed this with uni) then his timetable was wrong so he ended up in the wrong groups. When he finally went in the right groups he perceived that everyone else had formed relationships. He said he tried to be friendly but they seemed to just ignore him. Each time he lost more and more confidence until he stopped going to his seminars. I think things have just snowballed and he couldn't seem to get out of a vicious circle. He is quite sensitive and young for 19. It is such a shame as he gets on well with his housemates, has a great social life and loves the course he is on. He has just got it into his head that everyone in his seminars thinks he's a gimp. HIs word not mine.

I think there's something deeper at root here, your son seems to have very low self-confidence. I went through a similar spell at university, and my best advice is to get him to see a Doctor on Monday. He could be suffering from depression or some anxiety disorder.

Secondly, he needs to contact the Job Centre to see whether he can make a claim. The Doctor might even advise to sign him off for a few weeks first. Most important when he goes to the JC, ask to talk to a careers advisor from the National Careers Service who can run through his options with him.

Most of all give him plenty of hugs and support. He'll be feeling like a failure, and he's not.

Lomcevak

fifi35 wrote: »

Apparently my son has been to see his year tutor and she has signed off the withdrawal forms so I think its too late now.

Don't give up yet; these things can still be sorted out - the main thing is to get the communication going and let the department understand that this may just be a short-term crisis.

... He is quite sensitive and young for 19. It is such a shame as he gets on well with his housemates, has a great social life and loves the course he is on. He has just got it into his head that everyone in his seminars thinks he's a gimp. HIs word not mine.

He does sound quite sensitive, but equally university is a lot to cope with - 19 is still quite young really. If he loves the course then it is a shame to throw it away, sounds like he just needs the right support going forward.

Lomcevak

You need to wait until your son comes home and then play it by ear. At the moment you have no idea whether he has formally quit or just left because he is feeling 'down'.

Don't bombard him with questions. Just give him a hug and welcome him home. The questions can come later.

Once the dust has settled you can follow the given advice and get him or you to contact the university for advice and support. This is important because of the loans etc involved and, of course, because there will be people who are concerned.

I do agree that letting the dust settle for your son is important, but behind the scenes you do need to get in touch with the university sooner rather than later so that they know the situation and can make arrangements. The longer they hear nothing, the more likely they are to just assume he isn't coming back.

Seeing a GP is good advice too, anything like depression, anxiety, etc. should be communicated back to the university - they will treat it in confidence.

fifi35

Thank you all so much for your lovely replies and advice. I am disappointed that he is leaving uni but I am more concerned for his well being. I will take all advice on board.

Again thank you.

fifi35

Just a thought before I make an appointment for the doctor. How will it affect future job prospects etc if my son has a medical history of depression and anxiety?
Thank you.