adulterous wife left and i'm after info ???

marisco_2

!!!!!! wrote: »

But he can move the money somewhere else and get the account frozen.

He could do this provided any accounts with overdraft facilities have nothing outstanding on them. Again though freezing a partner out in any way before taking proper legal advice is an unwise move. It will only lead to causing antagonism, and make coming to agreement over a financial settlement each person is happy with more of a battlefield. The initial savings he makes in allowing no more access to funds could cost him dearly long term. Don't rush into anything is my advice OP.

Debt_Free_Chick

lurchy wrote: »

house has roughly 90,000 in equity plus 19,000 in bank , earn 30,000 net.
worried she is gonna have my pants down, when she has behaved so badly, not us two.
cheers:(:(:(

I understand completely, but as others have said, her behaviour has absolutely no impact on what she's entitled to, financially. She will not get "fined" in the financial settlement for adultery, deceipt, lying or anything else. You need to understand this and align your expectations accordingly as she may well be entitled to "something" so get used to that idea - sorry.

Bear in mind too that her emotions are possibly all over the place. Despite how it may appear, leaving one's husband/partner and and child is not easy. Indeed, it's worth pondering what drove her to that. You may well feel that you treated her very well, but you might not have fully met all her emotional needs. If she/you are not good communicators, you may well not even realise this.

Anyway, I digress - but just to say that you should expect her behaviour to be somewhat irrational now, and in the future. So she may well "change her mind" about the finances - or she may not be thinking straight at the moment. Either way, once she sees a solicitor, expect the discussions about the finances to start then - via your solicitors, probably!

duchy

You've had really good advice but ultimately the most important is that no matter how much you have the higher moral ground -it simply doesn't matter as far as finances go- Ultimately she is going to be entitled to fifty percent of the marriage assets either now or in five years time ...possibly more if she gets a very smart lawyer. If your son stays with you and she is working (something you've not mentioned but likely as your son is older) she will need to pay 15% of her income as child support.....again a "smart" lawyer would tell her she'd likely get a better settlement if she has custody of your son.

In one breath you seem to be saying she is entirely without morals -in the next there's an expectation she'll behave decently because of your son's welfare. Although you are entirely entitled to feel outraged from what you have told us (and I'm sure whether justified or not -her side of the story is a little different) an outraged and taking the moral high ground attitude whilst making you feel a little better in the short term could make an amicable and fair redistribution of the marital assets much more bitter , difficult and expensive -plus will be far harder on your son. If you can -in time (I realise it is very raw at the moment) treat that side of it as "business" rather than entirely personal it will ultimately be better for you and your son.

If you want to be the one to be doing the divorcing (there would be nothing to stop her divorcing you on grounds of unreasonable behavior which is so subjective just about any marriage could be ended on those grounds-and simply cross petitioning if she did just adds to expense and gains nothing) then get legal advice and be clear what your options and the financial implications of doing so are. Divorce never feels fair and no-one "wins" so don't expect it to give you justice -just a means to start moving on and making a happier life in the future.

This advice comes from going through what you're going through-and nice though knowing you are morally right is-it does little good when it comes to dealing with divorce -treat it as a legal process and take nothing about it personally-it will eventually make a difficult process and little less hard.

paddy's_mum

OP _ you may find what I'm about to say highly unpalatable.

It has been my experience that few women will leave a marriage, a home and their own child for 'a bit of fun'. You make some very bitter comments about her lack of morality and/or integrity. If she was so lacking in those attributes, how come you had no awareness of that side of her character during this last 15 or so years?

I also find your comment that she had not contributed a penny into the house quite shocking. Is it even true? Who raised the child and ran the home while you were out earning the family's bread?

I realise that you are hurting and angry but my advice to you is to ask yourself why she left. Only if you are absolutely sure that you did nothing whatever to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage should you be adopting the moral high ground and putting all the blame onto her.

A dear friend of mine once summed it up very succinctly - why did she go out to eat if she was getting good food at home?

A bit of honest self appraisal might actually make things more honest and less fraught.

I wish all of you well.

supersaver2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

OP _ you may find what I'm about to say highly unpalatable.

It has been my experience that few women will leave a marriage, a home and their own child for 'a bit of fun'. You make some very bitter comments about her lack of morality and/or integrity. If she was so lacking in those attributes, how come you had no awareness of that side of her character during this last 15 or so years?

I also find your comment that she had not contributed a penny into the house quite shocking. Is it even true? Who raised the child and ran the home while you were out earning the family's bread?

I realise that you are hurting and angry but my advice to you is to ask yourself why she left. Only if you are absolutely sure that you did nothing whatever to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage should you be adopting the moral high ground and putting all the blame onto her.

A dear friend of mine once summed it up very succinctly - why did she go out to eat if she was getting good food at home?

A bit of honest self appraisal might actually make things more honest and less fraught.

I wish all of you well.

So its okay to have an affair if you aren't happy at home?! She could maybe have tried talking to her husband and if things were that bad, then moved out and started an other relationship. There is no excuse for adultery. A person who has been cheated on has every right to be bitter. No harm is being done by his ranting on here. As for the living together for x amount of years, people do change you know! What about people who are victims to domestic violence after living together for years, would you ask them how their partner changed and why they had no idea about that side of their character?

paddy's_mum

supersaver2 wrote: »

So its okay to have an affair if you aren't happy at home?!

Excuse me? I said no such thing.

Perhaps you missed the bit that said that a bit of honest self appraisal might actually be of use or value in sorting things out and helping to heal the whole sad situation - for everyone involved. Few marriages collapse without at least some input, or omission, from both spouses and it is that aspect that I am suggesting the OP give some serious thought to.

If he can be honest with himself and recognise that something he did or did not do has perhaps contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, it might very well help him to leave some of the bitterness behind and surely that cannot be anything other than a good thing.

duchy

supersaver2 wrote: »

So its okay to have an affair if you aren't happy at home?! She could maybe have tried talking to her husband and if things were that bad, then moved out and started an other relationship. There is no excuse for adultery. A person who has been cheated on has every right to be bitter. No harm is being done by his ranting on here. As for the living together for x amount of years, people do change you know! What about people who are victims to domestic violence after living together for years, would you ask them how their partner changed and why they had no idea about that side of their character?

She never said it was OK
You have no idea if she did try or indeed did talk to her husband or not
Yes it is easy to be bitter - but that bitterness does nothing to the wife and damages the husband and the child. Bitterness is self destructive.
It's a rare marriage that BOTH people don't change over fifteen years - sometimes for good, sometimes for bad ....sometimes closer , sometimes emotionally drifting apart.
Domestic violence hasn't been mentioned so perhaps you should leave your own agendas to one side and focus on the actual circumstances .

Voyager2002

marisco wrote: »

Again though freezing a partner out in any way before taking proper legal advice is an unwise move. It will only lead to causing antagonism, and make coming to agreement over a financial settlement each person is happy with more of a battlefield. The initial savings he makes in allowing no more access to funds could cost him dearly long term. Don't rush into anything is my advice OP.

Very sensible.

However, he would probably be wise to reduce the overdraft limits on any joint accounts, and move any large sums of money to accounts in his sole name (bearing in mind that the money in them is legally as much hers as his).

Person_one

paddy's_mum wrote: »

OP _ you may find what I'm about to say highly unpalatable.

It has been my experience that few women will leave a marriage, a home and their own child for 'a bit of fun'. You make some very bitter comments about her lack of morality and/or integrity. If she was so lacking in those attributes, how come you had no awareness of that side of her character during this last 15 or so years?

I also find your comment that she had not contributed a penny into the house quite shocking. Is it even true? Who raised the child and ran the home while you were out earning the family's bread?

I realise that you are hurting and angry but my advice to you is to ask yourself why she left. Only if you are absolutely sure that you did nothing whatever to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage should you be adopting the moral high ground and putting all the blame onto her.

A dear friend of mine once summed it up very succinctly - why did she go out to eat if she was getting good food at home?

A bit of honest self appraisal might actually make things more honest and less fraught.

I wish all of you well.

This rubbish again? Seriously?

paddy's_mum

Person_one wrote: »

This rubbish again? Seriously?

As honestly as I know how to say it, I really don't understand your comment.

I'd be glad if you would explain what you mean (and I do understand that might mean I get flamed).

Like most folk, I can only speak from my experience, my knowledge of mistakes I've made in my own life, and just a little bit of understanding of what makes people tick.