Husband's skewed perspective

Dimey

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Like I said, I do wonder if this is a man thing, as I have not known women like this.

My Ex. was like this.
Looking back I feel so stupid that I spent our whole married life as a very hard working breadwinner with him taking advantage. After some years trying different new enterprises where he didn't really work at it, he ended up as a house husband.

At the time I didn't bat an eyelid as I thought we were a happy united couple each doing the best we could. Its only in retrospect that I can see what a fool I was to allow him to use me.

I should have recognised his flawed character and might have avoided the deceit and adultery that was to come.

When a partner shows no respect for you and doesn't appreciate you and blames you when his things go wrong then you must listen to those alarm bells.

Aileth, what if you had children. Is this the type of man you want to set as an example to them. Would you want them to aspire to be like him?

(I'm not just talking about the job situation, I mean to consider in light of everything you've shared with us.)

paulineb_2

I remember you said something on another post about why his first marriage failed if I recall correctly. I can only say this honestly. Every single thread you write seems to have an undercurrent of hes not that bad really. I spent 7 years of my life with someone who no matter how awful he was, I made excuses for him even though I knew I was in an awful relationship. I dont know why I did that. Habit, fear of being on my own again. And personally being so low myself with his awful crappy behaviour that I didnt have the self esteem to walk.

You really need to take the blinkers/rose tinted specs of hes not that bad really off and sit down and have a think about why you make excuses for him no matter how badly he behaves. I assume its because you love him and thats ok, you married him and you want to work at your marriage.

But how long can you shoulder all of this? Your last thread if I remember correctly, you spoke about the fact that you contribute more and are paying off more joint debt than he is, a lot more. He sounds like a 16 year old kid, hes 30, yes?

You are going to spend the next 30 or 40 years clearing up after him if he doesnt wind his neck in and I said this on another thread, some people are better than others with finances, but I strongly believe when necessary, everyone can pay a bill for goodness sake. He just doesnt want to do certain things, its easier for him if you do them, you've fallen into that pattern and its going to be hard to break but for your own sake, I think you need to break it.

Resentment will kill your marriage stone dead if you spend all your life clearing up after him. Ive been in two very short relationships with people who were useless with cash and it had a massive impact on me and thats why they were very short.

Hes an adult, he needs to behave like an adult, that includes taking responsibility for himself even though he is in a marriage.

gunsandbanjos

deannatrois wrote: »

Oh dear your husband sounds so like my older son's father. He's an ex. I never wonder why because the 'skewed perspective', ensuring he failed at everything he tried to do (yes I paid for a course too), having arrogant ideas but not prepared to put the effort in to get where he wanted rings more than a bell or two lol. f he could lie about something, he did. But lol.., u have to have a good memory to lie successfully and of course, I do.., he didn't so I always found out.

In the end it just became too much effort to keep the relationship going. I felt worthless and he finally went (had to find him somewhere to live even).

Were we married to the same guy?!:eek:

System

Some times its easier to sit and moan than actually do something about it.

He's too comfortable in what he's got to make an effort.

Kynthia

Stop trying to fix everything. You will only get frustrated and he won't appreciate it, so it's best you just let him get on with it and he'll either do it or not. Ignore him when he tries to blame you for not 'supporting' him as he'll blame you for your help too. Just get on with things and don't talk to him about it unless he talks to you, and then just listen without suggesting anything. You will get less frustrated when he doesn't take your advice and he can't feel that you're nagging or judging him.

I haven't read your other threads but he appears very sullen and childish. How pathetic to resent you for earning more. How has this stopped him from earning or being successful in any way? Also he cant be trusted with any responsibilities? Unless you are a control freak it sounds like he's not a capable adult. Perhaps like a child you should let him face some of the consequences of not taking responsibility in future so that he'll learn and grow.