Husband's skewed perspective

aileth

Hi all,

More trials and tribulations with the other half. In a nutshell, he hates his job. It's one of the things that has annoyed me the most through all our 'issues' that he consistently complains about it, yet does absolutely nothing to look for other jobs.

Now, two weeks ago he decided to move off his bum and do some jobsearching (finally!). I say jobsearching, I mean 10 minutes on Jobsite every couple of days. In two weeks he's applied to four or five companies, one of which was instantly rejected as he sent the wrong CV.

He's now down in the dumps and basically worse than ever thinking that 'nobody wants him' as an employee because he hasn't been offered a job or an interview in two weeks. It's literally as if he expected to fire off an application, get instantly called into an interview, wham bam thank you ma'am new job.

He was very lucky with his two previous jobs where that pretty much happened, but it was very much a case of right place, right time, right person (he had a lot of experience in the sector too).

I'm thinking because of this, he now thinks that that is 'real life', where it's essentially like shopping for a job, you stick the job in your trolley, go to the till, and you've got the job.

He is working himself into a complete mess and state because of this, regardless of what I tell him, or what I show him. A friend of mine who has recently got a job managed to acquire said job after a year of 10 applications a day, and he completely dismissed it when I told him.

One of the big issues as well is he is applying for jobs in what he thinks is his 'dream sector' or 'dream job', which he has zero experience in, zero qualifications, (he would have qualifications, I paid for a £2,000 course for him but he never bothered to complete it, maybe did a quarter of it), so chances are he is very bottom pile as they have lots of people with experience/training.

Any one got any advice on tips on how to bring him down to earth a bit, or how to put things in perspective for him? At this rate he is going to fall into full-on depression again and I really, really don't want that to happen.

Tiddlywinks

One man's 'bringing down to earth' is another man's nagging and being negative.

He's having a rough time... he hates his job and is trying to get to grips with making a major change... being supportive is more useful that adopting a negative attitude.

So, he's applying for jobs you think he won't get - is that so bad? He'll quickly learn by the responses (or lack of them) whether he has what it takes.

If the situation was reversed, what would you want him to do for you? I bet you wouldn't want him telling you that you can't do something...

aileth

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

One man's 'bringing down to earth' is another man's nagging and being negative.

He's having a rough time... he hates his job and is trying to get to grips with making a major change... being supportive is more useful that adopting a negative attitude.

So, he's applying for jobs you think he won't get - is that so bad? He'll quickly learn by the responses (or lack of them) whether he has what it takes.

If the situation was reversed, what would you want him to do for you? I bet you wouldn't want him telling you that you can't do something...

No, no, I think you misunderstand, I haven't commented to him regarding the jobs he's been applying for, or any kind of comment that jobs are out of his league etc.

What I'm saying is that he's applied for 4-5 jobs in two weeks and he's got himself really down about it, thinking that because he hasn't been offered a job from them 4-5 in two weeks he won't be offered a job, or he has no hope. I have told him to chin up, keep at it, and some people spend months, years, searching for jobs. I have helped him with his CV, I have helped him finding jobs.

What I really don't want is for him to sink into depression because in his eyes not being offered a job after two weeks means he's never going to be offered a job. He seems to think that that's how the job market is, and I just wanted some advice to show him that it probably will take a little bit longer and to not get so down after two weeks.

BitterAndTwisted

Frankly, I'd still be stewing about that wasted two grand. I'd leave him to it.

Dimey

Oh Aileth. I daren't say what advice I'd really like to give your other half !! (having read your other threads)

In this situation he needs a fresh new CV tailored to each company he applies to. After he's researched the prospective employer and found where his skills match their needs. If he can't see why an employer would be interested in what he has to offer, then neither will the employer. Preparation is key.

I wouldn't put the failed course on the CV (shame you spent on that) as that will just demonstrate he doesn't have the tenacity to follow through. Not a characteristic an employer would find appealing.

If your OH is coming across as depressed and lethargic it will put employers off so he needs to show enthusiasm and energy.

paulineb_2

You paid two grand for him to do a course and he didnt complete it. I actually think you need to make some decisions about whether you want to stay long term with your husband and I say that from the other threads youve posted as well.

Its tough out there, I spent a year last year looking for part time work, supermarkets, minimum wage, nothing. Im now self employed again. I know its tough when you suffer from depression but I think he needs a massive reality check.

He has a job, even if he doesnt like it, he has a job and an income for now.

What was the course you paid for him to do and is there any way he can restart it?

I do think that all of this stuff is just part of a bigger picture as far as hes concerned. One where you are put in the part of mothering him in many aspects of his life, finances, alcohol, now jobs.

I think you have the patience of a saint to put up with someone who really doesnt seem to appreciate you.

Dimey

These links will show how perseverance is needed as is standing out from the crowd.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2352011/Up-160-graduates-chase-job-Leading-firms-increase-number-applications-role.html

http://www.randstadsourceright.co.uk/news/global-randstad-news/uk-unskilled-job-vacancies-attracting-45-applicants-each/

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20130523084447AAfVnrH

http://www.jobs.ac.uk/careers-advice/jobseeking-tips/1209/top-tips-for-online-job-applications/

paulineb_2

And just before christmas, unless hes looking for seasonal work, isnt the best time to be jobhunting anyway, hed probably be better thinking about giving it a break for now, getting christmas and new year over with and starting again in the new year.

aileth

Thank you. Yes, I know I'm probably silly to be still here. The course I'm not so sure whether he can restart it, he still has the course materials. He said he didn't think he could restart it, so I told him to ask the company and he never did.

paulineb_2

Its clear you love your husband, all I can say is, I think you need to try and not clear up after him as much as you do or somehow try and get to a point where if he wants to get really low over all this, you might need to let him work through it.

Hes choosing to let all of this affect him even though surely on some level he must know that its not that easy to walk into a job, particularly in these tough economic times and dare I say it, had he really wanted that dream job, hed have made better efforts to complete the course. Depression affects people in different ways but ive suffered from anxiety badly in the past and I still managed to get courses done that I really wanted to do. Youve spoken in the past I think about him deciding not to take medication, well perhaps medication is what he needs to get him on an even keel so that he feels a bit brighter in himself and doesnt see the low in everything.

Yes its soul destroying when you hate your job (been there several times over), yes its soul destroying looking for work and getting rejected. On more than one occasion I got to the last two or the last three for a job that I really wanted and had to go through some pretty tough selection processes to get there. Was I upset, yes, but you need to dust yourself down and get on with it.

[Deleted User]

Oh dear your husband sounds so like my older son's father. He's an ex. I never wonder why because the 'skewed perspective', ensuring he failed at everything he tried to do (yes I paid for a course too), having arrogant ideas but not prepared to put the effort in to get where he wanted rings more than a bell or two lol. f he could lie about something, he did. But lol.., u have to have a good memory to lie successfully and of course, I do.., he didn't so I always found out.

In the end it just became too much effort to keep the relationship going. I felt worthless and he finally went (had to find him somewhere to live even).