Husband's skewed perspective

aileth

He has a bit of a cushy time really, his only responsibility is to go to work, I handle everything else. I've tried in the past to give him more responsibility, but that's ended up in him forgetting or not realising how important something is and either getting red debt letters or having the car almost be out of action due to no MOT.

I agree Pauline, I do think he probably needs to work through it as I think he'll realise a lot about the world, but then if I don't support him the pitchforks will come out with the torches and I'll be accused of being unsupportive because I'm just letting him get on with it and not providing a safety net.

He had medication for the depression, but got through it all, said it had had no effect on him, but never went back to the Doctor to get more. He only had maybe two episodes of counselling, but said he felt awkward bleeding his heart to a stranger (although I really think that's what he needed to do). I offered to pay for a private counsellor and find one from recommendations, but he refused.

What do they say, you can take a horse to water...

maman

I do have sympathy ( a very teeny bit) as it's possible his current work is so awful it's making him depressed. However, it sounds as if he's been offered treatment and hasn't really seen that through either.


All I can suggest is that you simply tell him that loads of people in this country are thankful to have a job, any job. That's where he is at the moment. From there he can apply but so many experienced and qualified people are chasing every job so he must expect that it will take time.


So basically a statement of fact.


What you do about your relationship is your business but I think for you to to keep giving and giving while he keeps taking and taking (and wanting more) sounds a recipe for disaster.

HPoirot

He's only sitting back in apathy because he can get away with it, isn't he? What would he do if he had to be an adult and provide for a family? As long as you are there to mother him and cushion the blows in life, he will have no reason to shake out of the depression and apathy.

aileth wrote: »

I agree Pauline, I do think he probably needs to work through it as I think he'll realise a lot about the world, but then if I don't support him the pitchforks will come out with the torches and I'll be accused of being unsupportive because I'm just letting him get on with it and not providing a safety net.

Roll on the pitchforks and torches - aren't you doing more than required for him already? It seems this is an unequal relationship on more than one level if you are afraid of recriminations if you do not mother him.

sulkisu

My advice (to you, not him) having read your other threads, would be ....run, as far and as fast as you can. Or if you choose to stay with him, knowing him as you do, the best thing would be to just accept his shortcomings and get on with it. Sorry to be blunt but as you know, you do actually have a choice here.

fabforty

^^^^ this.


I know that you are supposed to work at marriage, but this sounds like way too much hard work. Advice for the husband would be pointless, it will no doubt fall on deaf ears. OP is the only one who can change things, even if it means running for the hills.

Soleil_lune

Good grief Aileth. Your post could have been written by me ten to fifteen years ago. My husband was always complaining about work, thinking he was destined for better things, and always wanted to 'better himself.' He worked in a factory, and one of his mates left, after being made redundant, and got himself into this I.T. course that cost £1750. He told my husband about it, and he insisted on doing it.

He took the debt over 3 years, so it was about £50 a month coming out of our account for that amount of time, and he - like your DH - quit the course after 2 months, admitting he couldn't understand it, but we STILL had to pay for it! (It was a do-it-from-home course.) Then half a year later, the course was available with a residential offer with it. It was live-in for four weeks while you did the course. It was £3000. I put my foot down and said NO WAY. Especially after he bailed last time!

Also, when he was made redundant from a particular job, (about 17-18 years ago,) he spent £4,000 of the redundancy money, starting a new business with a friend; ie; a friend of a work colleague who he had known about six months, and I couldn't abide. This man and his wife who had promised to put an equal share into the business if we stumped up the first four grand to get it going, did not put the money in, and several months later, it foundered. The plus side to this was that we no longer had anything to do with them.

He has regularly applied for jobs he is not qualified for, and has no experience in, and like your husband Aileth, he gets disheartened, because he can't figure out why he is failing to even get an interview.

He isn't as bad now, and seems to have pretty much settled in life, although he does feel down about what 'could have been' now and again. Occasionally though, he moans about his current job, and threatens to quit - with no other job to go to! Saying 'I can walk straight into another job within a few days: I've done it before!' But the last time he got a job within a few weeks of losing the last one, it was 2004: pre-recession!

He tells people he is the manager at his place - when he is one of 6 shift managers, and when he talks to people, he calls it 'his restaurant,' and says 'his employees, because he is embarrassed at not really doing very well in life (in HIS opinion.)

He has had many opportunities to progress within the company, but refuses time and time again. The area manager has asked him about 6 times in the 9 years he has been there, if he wants to train to be manager, and he says 'no' EVERY time.

I do love him and care about him, and I HAVE supported him, but he has been VERY trying in the past. He has had opportunity after opportunity after opportunity to better himself, and he has turned them down. I think it's a lack of confidence and fear of failing.

In addition, it's sheer laziness. He wants to achieve, but can't be arsed. He currently does 32 hours a week, and talked the other month, about 'dropping his hours' because his job was getting him down. I pointed out 3 other jobs in the same week, all suited to his abilities, qualifications (or lack of) and his experience. he didn't even look at what I showed him. (He is OK at work again now by the way.)

In the past, it's been like he is not really happy, but he never ever ever done anything to alter things.

It's important to concentrate more on the positives in his life though, more than the negatives - easier said than done I know. My husband has a family that love him, a lovely home (in a BEAUTIFUL area,) great friends, and a bloody decent job with friendly colleagues, that frankly does pay reasonably well. He does count his blessings sometimes, but when he's on a downer, he can't half moan!

Is this a 'man' thing? Because apart from my husband, there is yours Aileth, and several others have mentioned similar things, and my best friend's husband is the same too.

No motivation or effort ever put in, but a massive craving for change, and 'bettering themselves.' Anything *I* have not been happy with, I have done my best to change: including changing jobs and going on various courses.

I know not all men are necessarily like this, but more men than women seem to be, IMO.

kelpie35

He needs to man up and you need to take a step back.

You are not his mother, you are his partner.

The more you do for him the more he will expect yo to do.

I think you really need think very carefully and ask yourself where this relationship is going. You seem to go from one problem to the next, that is caused by your OH.

Are you willing to carry on that kind of partnership?

aileth

Soleil, that sounds so familiar.

I think another thing that doesn't 'help' is the fact that I'm the breadwinner. He has said on more than one occasion this makes him feel less of a man and that he wants to be taking home the bigger wage, yet when opportunities come up to do it (e.g. management roles where he works currently), he says he isn't interested in them. So effectively he doesn't like that I'm the breadwinner and yet doesn't absolutely nothing to change that.

Soleil_lune

aileth wrote: »

Soleil, that sounds so familiar.

I think another thing that doesn't 'help' is the fact that I'm the breadwinner. He has said on more than one occasion this makes him feel less of a man and that he wants to be taking home the bigger wage, yet when opportunities come up to do it (e.g. management roles where he works currently), he says he isn't interested in them. So effectively he doesn't like that I'm the breadwinner and yet doesn't absolutely nothing to change that.

Awwwww, I am so sorry Aileth for him AND you. It must makes things worse if he is struggling to get work, but then he isn't helping himself if he is being so fussy.

Like I said, I do wonder if this is a man thing, as I have not known women like this.

marisco_2

Have a frank and open discussion with him about the realities of job searching at the moment. Once and only once. He either accepts that finding a job is a long, hard slog and becomes more realistic in his pursuit of one or he doesn't. This is a grown man not a child who you have to placate and jolly along and you are his wife not his mother. He needs to adjust his thinking by himself and take responsibility for his approaches. If he doesn't develop coping mechanisms and strategies to use for when life isn't going how he wants, then he will always find things difficult and risk falling into a depressive state.