So,what happens when you can no longer provide for your family?

alarmed

Ok,I'd like to apologise for my longish thread and it may seem a bit random but I just wanted to share some thoughts with you.
42 yr old husband to a magical wife and father to two incredible kids.
In Oct I lost my job and have been seeking a new one since.Time of year I guess but theres not a great deal out there at the best of times let alone this near Xmas.Agencies trying hard and have tried the family and friends route.So another month is passing and I'm really struggling to find the cash to do what fathers and husbands are expected of them-to provide a roof over their heads and 'reasonable' standard of living.Finally realised and will drum it into anyone how important it is to have something to fall back on financially when the household income drops.
It seems I'm approaching the time when I'll be able to do neither unless something happens positively on the work front pretty soon.
Luckily enough OH is working P/T and has just taken on extra hours and is doing all she can to make ends meet but its not enough to service everything .We've cut back on a lot but with Xmas approaching its really tough psychologically.The Ebay selling option is limited has we have nothing of quantity that we can sell!
Nothing hurts more than watching neighbours pulling out of their drives in the mornings going to work and me thinking that should be me.
How do I deal with this?How am I supposed to remain positive when it feels like my world is collapsing around me? It really does seem sometimes that that our family has a constant run of bad luck and just when we think we're getting ahead we hit a brick wall again...
Is there anything I should be doing apart from the constant jobsearch that would help even in the short term?Its incredible how low and worthless being out of work can make you feel .I have even expressed an interest in volunteering even just to make myself feel I'm doing something positive and worthwhile.
I dont think I'm becoming depressed at this stage but certainly heading in that direction and I cant let that happen as that would just be yet another step backwards

Apologies again and thanks for listening.
Al x

RedBern

sorry to hear things are so bad for you - but you're not alone. Can't offer much in the way of advice - however, if your wife is taking up the slack as much as she can in terms of earning money, the best thing you can do is to support her and do the home stuff that she would normally do as part of her role. That will make a massive difference to her, and can give you a different but still important role. Keep looking for temporary jobs where you can, and if someone makes even a passing mention of perhaps taking staff on, follow it up properly, don't wait for them to knock on your door.

Think outside of your normal work role and see whether there's anything you can volunteer for that might get you a foot in the door elsewhere? It's horrible with Christmas coming up, but remember it's a Christian celebration of Christ's birth which has turned into a frenzy of food and drink. Have a happy and peaceful Christmas and enjoy your family. Good luck.

fluffymuffy

How about self-employment? What is it you did in your last job?

Dunroamin

I think you need to get over your idea that the man should be the one "to do what fathers and husbands are expected of them-to provide a roof over their heads and 'reasonable' standard of living" it's an outfdated concept and doing you no favours psychologically.

Take the opportunity to spend more time with your children when you're not volunteering (why does this seem to you to be the last resprt) and make sure your home is clean and comfortable when your wife comes home from work and you may come to see the positives in this situation.

Good luck with the job hunting.

Prothet_of_Doom

And it won't help your job hunting that you are desperate. You need to get your finances in a place where when you apply for a job, it won't be the end of the world if you don't get it.
I note 2 points.
1) You use the words "Reasonable standard of living"....For a short time you need to redefine reasonable. What you think is reasonable is now pure luxury.

and you say "service everything". I take that to mean you have Credit card bills, and HP and overdrafts and the like, which could spiral into significant debt if you don't pay the minimum required ?

ferry

Firstly thanks you all for reading and your quick responses.
Having had an opinion from you all I agree- i guess I have an old fashioned mentality when it comes to thinking the man should be the provider maybe thats something I inherited from my dad.
Its also a case of always being the provider over the years we've been married thats kind of cast in stone,but I get your points and things have moved on in modern times.

I suppose we're lucky in one way that we dont have a huge amount of debt but when I mention about being able to service everything I was thinking more in terms of bills,CT and of course Xmas...I am a natural worrier.

One of my biggest barriers I forgot to mention is me.My pride has taken a blow and I need to get over it!

I had thought about going self employed/starting a business but that takes time to set up and I relly need to be earning now.

Alikay

As Dunroamin says, making the house clean and comfortable will make things easier for your wife when she comes home, and will benefit your marriage, as will taking on responsibility for cooking. I hated it when I got home from work to find my ex husband on the sofa watching TV in a darkened room with no cleaning or cooking done, dog unwalked and newspapers and cups littered about!

Make sure you've got the best deals on your utilities, insurances etc and try a few cost-cutting recipes to stretch the cash you have...every £ saved is a £ earned. Volunteering is a great idea, and there are a lot of short courses which might be free and keep you busy (the WEA ones are often bloke-heavy if you miss a bit of male company during the day).

Good luck, and hope you find something soon .

New_and_Improved_Me

Sorry to hear that....Its hard feeling like you just can't find a job.

Been there and know how hard it is.

Polish up you CV, add some BUZZ words in there, be creative with what you put in there...Not saying lie, but there are so many ways to 'Word' things.

Turns the negatives to positives and you WILL find something.

If you don’t mind me asking – What was your last job and how many years exp. Do you have in the area?

jackyann

I too am sorry to hear this, and I echo Dunroamin.
I remember when my dad lost his job (and yes, he got another one) - this was in the sixties, but maybe I can share some of my thoughts with you.
First of all, share your worry with OH but don't go on about it to wear her down.
Do share the situation with your kids: my parents were very honest with us, and we all talked about what we would have to give up - looking back, it wasn't our childish suggestions that helped - but the feeling that we were all in this together. So when our presents were small or there were no "paying" outings we felt we were contributing & helping rather than being hard done by. This isn't just about getting through the next little while, this is a valuable life lesson for your kids.
I too am a little puzzled by "even thought of volunteering" as I come from a family that has always volunteered - and I guess you don't (in fairness, modern working life makes it difficult). So yes, do volunteer - try to find something where your skills will be useful, and of course, look good on your cv. Often the contacts you make whilst volunteering lead to work. If you are not used to it, by the way, don't be surprised that they want references, and may need you to apply for a Disclosure & Barring Certificate.
Don't underestimate the skills needed and the pleasure gained from running a household well (I wrote this all up when I applied for a job!)
Look on the OS board for ideas about keeping costs down.
If you think it helpful, talk to CAB or any similar debt-counselling service about sorting out your finances (lots of ideas on this board). If you are in good standing with your mortgage (don't know if you have one) consider asking for a "mortgage holiday" for say 6 months or a year.
Be honest with family & friends - the worthwhile ones will help & those that don't - just clear them off your list!
And do keep coming on here for support - there are some amazing people here!

PS: after seeing your last post: take pride in getting through this - I thought no less of my dad for losing his job, I thought a huge amount of him & my mum for getting us through it, and that has always stayed with me.

New_and_Improved_Me

Alikay wrote: »

As Dunroamin says, making the house clean and comfortable will make things easier for your wife when she comes home, and will benefit your marriage, as will taking on responsibility for cooking. I hated it when I got home from work to find my ex husband on the sofa watching TV in a darkened room with no cleaning or cooking done, dog unwalked and newspapers and cups littered about!

Make sure you've got the best deals on your utilities, insurances etc and try a few cost-cutting recipes to stretch the cash you have...every £ saved is a £ earned. Volunteering is a great idea, and there are a lot of short courses which might be free and keep you busy (the WEA ones are often bloke-heavy if you miss a bit of male company during the day).

Good luck, and hope you find something soon .

Honey...there is no need to show me up in public like that....I was just going to clean that....errr....honest...
:rotfl:

LannieDuck

Are you managing to balance your incomings and outgoings, or are you slowly slipping into debt? If the latter, head over to the 'debt free wannabe' board and post a Statement of Affairs.

Best to get that sorted and nipped in the bud before it becomes a problem. Once you get debts, you have to find extra money for interest payments - if you're not at that stage yet, it would be worth a bit of effort to avoid it. As others have said, it may also make your situation seem less depressing and time-urgent.