BIL moved in - not coping

Dozey_crow

It is so lovely of you to try and help your bil. We have had some experience of this and can tell you from experience that social services don't do ANYTHING until you put the pressure on. It is a case of going in all guns blazing, giving worse case senarios and hassling them non stop.

In our situation we asked the gp for help and he wrote to out relatives consultant, providing my log of when and how we had tried to contact SS and a letter from me (us) outlining that we could not cope and they had a duty of care and a legal obligation to help. Work three days I had numerous calls from and things got resolved albeit slowly.

The idea about giving them a date is a good one and it works. Or friend lives in Morocco and returns to visit her mum three times a year. On one visit it was clear that there had been a mental deterioration and she called ss. They were useless reticent to do anything until she produced a plane ticket for her journey home. Then all hell was let loose as they scrambled to do something:rotfl:

You are not responsible for you bil and they should not make you feel that you are. Sadly with SS the louder you shout the more successful you are.

Good luck.

livingit

Does your BIL have a care plan? All three of you should have been offered a care assessment with support. However in my experience service providers do not have the resources and his care co ordinater is not listening. It is common for the patient not to recognise that they are deteriorating. It is common for the career to become exhausted both through caring, worry and battling with the authorities.

I would contact the manager and ask for a written description on what they should be offering and insist on intervention. You can also contact the crisis team and he can be reassessed.

Do not feel guilty that you are struggling, it is an extremely difficult situation. Unfortunately it is those who shout loudest and longest who get heard. Be consistent tell them he can no longer exist like this and neither can you. Tell them you are no longer able to care for him in your home.

Speak to his councillor, psychiatrist and anyone else who is involved or will listen. Good Luck x

itsanne

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Don't set a date for the future. They won't do a thing until that day.

Tell her manager that this happens now. Bypass her completely.

Sorry, Jojo, I agree with the bypassing, but not necessarily about the date.


If you insist on "now" the options of where your BIL will go may be very limited - unless you think he should be in hospital and this will precipitate that. Giving a date allows for time to find a reasonable, not necessarily permanent, solution.

However, if you are dreading what you may find on coming home because you think something could happen imminently rather than because you feel trapped and things are not moving, then yes, make it now.

(As we've just started a power cut, this post may well be superseded and repetitive by the time it is sent, so apologies in advance if that happens. I won't be checking what has been sent in the meantime before pressing "submit".)

itsanne

Meant to add, put everything in writing and warn of consequences and duty of care. Putting things in writing seems to get more response!

Orange_Candle

Thanks everyone for the advice. We have given his care co-ordinator a deadline for finding accommodation, and if she tells us that it can't be done we will escalate it rather than dealing with her any more.

He does have a care plan, apparently, but what is on it is a mystery as his care co-ordinator hasn't shared it with us or with him. Once we get the housing sorted we will be making a complaint about her so that perhaps other people might not have such bad dealings with her. Reluctant to start that now as we don't want it to slow things down even more.

Orange_Candle

Quick update: thanks for all the advice, after we gave a deadline for early January the care co-ordinater has excelled herself and he is moving out on Saturday - 3 weeks before we asked for! Bit of a shame that he has to take up the place before Christmas, but he won't be far away and can come back to stay for the holiday.

itsanne

That's great news. It sounds like you'll be handling things brilliantly . All the best to the three of you.

meritaten

That's great! pleased for you - and now perhaps your BIL will get the help he needs!

troubleinparadise

Glad to hear a solution has been found, and good luck that it works out.

Purely out of interest, because I have known of two similar situations where a previously suicidal person has been put in the care of relatives after discharge from hospital/secure unit, apart from the number of a SS person/care co-ordinator, were you offered any teaching or counselling yourselves on how to deal best with such a situation?

In the two cases I know of, no support other than a contact number was given; I find it quite shocking that untrained people are supposed to step in and "get it right" somehow with no guidance.

The strain on relationships and homelife in both situations has been very difficult - and doesn't really provide the calm home that was presumably intended whilst the unwell person recuperated.

skattykatty

That's great news Well done for asserting yourselves. I imagine now you will both be more able to support him as you won't have the same, unimaginable stresses, on you. I agree with last poster too...what support do the carers get? Good luck...