BIL moved in - not coping

Orange_Candle

Hi,

First post on this forum - hope someone can help.

Bit of a long story, I will outline it as best as I can but if more details are needed I will try and provide them.

My 19 y.o. BIL attempted suicide in April after years of depression, and 2 previous attempts. This one was more serious, and he was in hospital for 2.5 months afterwards. He was discharged from a mental health unit to our home, as going back to his parents wasn't an option (they are the cause of a lot of his problems), and at the time we were lead to believe that there were no other options.

Since then he has got worse and worse, to the point that he won't get out of bed, won't communicate with us, and is suicidal again. He is having weekly counselling sessions (if he goes to them), but no other support. My husband and I work full time, but dread coming home every day as we just don't know what we could be coming back to. It has got to the point that we can't cope any more, and eventually we had a discussion with him asking him to find out if there were any alternative options.

It then came out that previously, before the attempt, he had looked at moving into supported housing, and was actually offered a place - which came through the day after he went into hospital. This sounded good, so we asked his care co-ordinator to look into those options. It seems though that as BIL is "happy" here (ie it's not as bad as his parent's) then he isn't a priority and so is unlikely to find anywhere.

I know it seems like we haven't given it much of a chance, and I feel constantly guilty, but we just can't cope with caring for him here any longer. It seems that our only option in terms of getting the services to do anything is to actually kick him out, but I don't think we could face doing that (and wouldn't know how to anyway, how can you physically kick someone out?!), but if it is our only option then I don't see what else we could do.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

Thanks in advance.

BitterAndTwisted

Get back onto the care co-ordinator and tell them that he might be happier where he is now but you're not competent to look after him and are unwilling to do so either, As long as they think they don't have to do anything, they won't so you need to force their hand.

RAS

Rather than kick him out tell the care co-ordinator that YOU are not happy and cannot cope with the situation any longer.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

As long as he is told clearly it's because you want what's best for him and don't believe where he is now is best, then all you can do is provide everything possible to his care coordinator to substantiate that you are not able or prepared to have him stay any longer.

There's no law that says you have to put him up. And it doesn't make you a bad person for wanting to do what is right for him - he's not in the right frame of mind to choose what is best; he's ill.


He may not thank you for it right away, but you being brave and tough might just save his life. And if it doesn't, awful though that would be, at least you tried and wouldn't be in any way culpable for the consequences of his currently untreated illness.

itsanne

I sympathise. My son has serious mental health issues and we did put him out, at least in part to force support.

Rather than simply putting your BIL out, however, I would go back to his care coordinator and explain that you will be unable to accommodate him beyond a certain date. That gives time for something suitable to be found. It will hopefully also ensure that he receives adequate support when he moves.

It's also important for him to realise that in the long run this will be in his best interests, so try to present it as forcing Services hands rather than throwing him out.

It's great that you've been able to provide support when your BIL needed it when he came out of hospital, so try not to feel so guilty about being unable to cope. You could all too easily find yourselves becoming viewed as his long term carers, which in turn would reduce the support available to him.

Orange_Candle

Thanks for the suggestions. We have told his care co-ordinator that we can't look after him any longer, but we have found that she is very slow to do anything, and although we have said that it is urgent she doesn't treat it like this.

I think we will give her a date to push along, and let her manager know as well (she seems to actually get things done).

It's just so tough to tell someone who is relying on us for everything that we effectively don't want him here any more!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Orange_Candle wrote: »

Thanks for the suggestions. We have told his care co-ordinator that we can't look after him any longer, but we have found that she is very slow to do anything, and although we have said that it is urgent she doesn't treat it like this.

I think we will give her a date to push along, and let her manager know as well (she seems to actually get things done).

It's just so tough to tell someone who is relying on us for everything that we effectively don't want him here any more!

Don't set a date for the future. They won't do a thing until that day.

Tell her manager that this happens now. Bypass her completely.

RAS

Orange_Candle wrote: »

Thanks for the suggestions. We have told his care co-ordinator that we can't look after him any longer, but we have found that she is very slow to do anything, and although we have said that it is urgent she doesn't treat it like this.

I think we will give her a date to push along, and let her manager know as well (she seems to actually get things done).

It's just so tough to tell someone who is relying on us for everything that we effectively don't want him here any more!

Definately speak to her manager and try to get the message to BIL that you are concerned that he gets the help he needs in the short-term.

Make sure to visit if he does go back in hospital.

meritaten

go higher up the chain. find out who the managers line manager is, and contact them as WELL AS the manager. Tell them the situation is critical, as BIL is extremely depressed and suicidal and that as both of you work you are terrified of leaving him unsupervised!

I do sympathise - this is a hard situation for all concerned - but as you are not mental health professionals then you shouldn't be placed in the position you are in. He sounds extremely ill and should ideally have 24hour professional care. Perhaps this is how you could put it to him? rather than 'kicking him out for his own good'?

BitterAndTwisted

It's not about chucking him out because you don't want the responsibility or can't be bothered with him. It's because you can't provide the kind of expert care he so patently needs. This is what you need to impress on your BIL. The chucking out bit is the only way you can try to ensure he gets it. As long as mental-health peeps think you can be left to get on with it on your own, the longer they will leave you to it. Resouces are severely under-funded and scarce as hen's teeth, so it's only when there is a time-defined crisis is when they might swing into action. Don't feel guilty, you're not health professionals and are not competent to provide the help patently needs.

paddy's_mum

It seems to me that this is allied to the recent thread about the 13 year old in dire straits and all the splendid advice given.

OP - you may like to search for the poster kbh4031 and study the recommendations given there.

Good luck