Mother issues

skyvicky123

I will start off by saying sorry for the inevitably long post.

I don't even know where to start...long story short, my mother is a nightmare. I dislike her but have always persevered to maintain a relationship, bitten my tongue constantly.

Her and my dad divorced a few years ago, and since then she has got worse. There are things I dislike, like dating men half her age she meets on the internet, insisting on going into graphic detail about her sex life with me. She makes me feel like a prude, which I am not, but she is a 57 year old woman, and my mother and some of the things she has shared are just not the sort of thing you should tell your daughter. However I bite my tongue and say nothing. In the past she has been convinced that people are flirting with her, smirking at her, in love with her. They never are, and it's obvious to anybody to see.

In general people don't like her. She used to work at the same place as me, and people found her intolerable. She complains she has no social life, and that people don't invite her to things, but it's not my place to tell her they don't like her.

I don't like her, but she tries to invite herself out with my friends. I am 30 and if we have a party for friends, she wants to come. She doesn't wait to be invited, but invites herself. It has been very awkward in the past.

I do visit her regularly, and can cope with her in small doses.

It doesn't help that my sister is even worse. A true narcissist with a diagnosed personality disorder. The world revolves around her and there is literally a Jeremy Kyle worthy drama between the two of them each week. I just can't cope with it.

I constantly try and say nothing, but yesterday I finally went over the edge.

I don't see or have much contact with my sister, but she invited me to her wedding. My daughter adores her cousin (my sisters daughter) I felt it would be wrong not to go, and cruel to my sister as it would hurt her. So we went, it was fine, no dramas.

Sister sent me some pics of my daughter and niece via facebook from the wedding. They were beautiful and I told her so. I asked if she could send me the files as I had just done a photography course and wanted to try out some photoshop stuff on a couple.

Sister was not happy, and said no, I said fine no problem. She continued the debate with multiple messages telling me it was illegal to edit them etc etc. Very over dramatic messages, sent to provoke a reaction which I didn't give her. This is what she does.

I am not friends with her on FB, but she posted on her wall, tagging my mum (so I saw it) and several others in it, talking about how angry she was that I thought I had the right to edit her wedding pics, and that I had taken offence and she was furious. A long thread continued from this. I commented to defend myself, and my husband got really angry and also commented. His comment made it worse.

Then my mother responds, very critically and I lost it. I can't believe something so trivial has turned into such a huge public debate. I was even more angry that my mum waded in and got involved. I felt she had clearly taken a side.

This led to me messaging my mum to tell her how angry I was, and trying to explain the situation with the photos. The long and short of it is that lots of other stuff came tumbling out from both sides and I am reaching the point where I am considering cutting her out of my life.

There is too much to go into on here which has led me to this point. I realise how final this could be, and it is frightening me.

She has no real interest in me, my daughter or my family. I can't cope with the constant drama any more. It's draining and I don't feel I get anything back from her.

She has said I have hurt her very badly, by calling her a liar. (I didn't believe she hadn't spoken to my sister before posting her comment) and also once before in the past. She now demands I apologise for this, and I am just not willing to. She has managed to turn the whole thing around to be about her, which she is very good at doing.

I have never been close with her, but cutting your mum out just seems so final. I don't know where to go from here.

building_with_lego

It sounds like it would be a great relief to not have to deal with this sort of behaviour!

Lots of people on here have cut contact with family members. I think it's not something to be taken lightly buuuuuut it's done for a reason. Imagine yourself this time next year without all this stress!

BitterAndTwisted

It appears that she doesn't have any boundaries so you should be the one who sets them. At least while this disagreement is ongoing she won't be inviting herself out with you and your friends or regaling you with details about her private life, so there is an upside!

I'd be having a think about having absolutely no contact with with either of them for a bit. There's no need to say "never" out loud or it will give them a golden opportunity to cause yet more drama.

There's nothing like a stony silence to get your message across.

Any

It sounds like you would be better off.
I absolutely despise saying "blood is thicker then water" or "but it is family... most important thing in life..".
Both are BS. While I think for some it completely applies, some peoples lives would be much better if certain people weren't there and you don't have to be made feel like rubbish or take beating (physicaly or emotionaly) just because these people are "family".

However, I have to say... I am not sure how would I react if someone basically suggested that my wedding pictures need editing/ I/my husband need to have some work done...:eek::eek:

missprice

Face ache is evil sometimes.

Don't respond to the dramatics.
You know your sis is like this as you state its diagnosed.
Take no notice of facebook .
Unfriend them both, only ever communicate with them in real time face to face and only when you want to.
Don't be drawn into an arguement
And if you really want to cut mother and or sis out of your life then you can, and you don't have to feel guilty, or tell anyone about it, or defend your actions.

BitterAndTwisted

Experimenting with Photoshop meant to me that the OP wanted to try out cropping a couple of pics of their own child, nothing more sinister.

Still, to a drama-queen intent on finding fault that could be interpreted as all sorts of things which aren't the objective truth. There's no explaining or arguing with such people and I'd be saving my energy for those who are worth my time. These two patently are not. They're just a black hole of destructive emotional energy sucking every ounce of it in from anywhere they can.

skyvicky123

Thanks for all the comments. I am going to give it a lot of thought.

I do agree Any, on the photos. I was only sent pics of my niece and my daughter. I told her they were beautiful, and that I had just done a workshop in photography and wanted to try out some of the photoshop effects I had learnt. We had been communicating okay, so I thought I would ask. I should have known not to,

There have been so many incidents over the years which are so ridiculous and crazy, but looking back you start to question yourself...am I making too much of things that sort of thing.

I begin to question myself, I feel like I am going mad sometimes. If other friends and the rest of my family including my nan and granddad before they died as well as my Auntie didn't also totally see the situation the same as me then I think I would have gone mad by now!

Auntie tried to have as little to do with her as possible, and detests her. My dad won't even be in the same room as her now. They think she is mad.

Any

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Experimenting with Photoshop meant to me that the OP wanted to try out cropping a couple of pics of their own child, nothing more sinister.

Still, to a drama-queen intent on finding fault that could be interpreted as all sorts of things which aren't the objective truth. There's no explaining or arguing with such people and I'd be saving my energy for those who are worth my time. These two patently are not. They're just a black hole of destructive emotional energy sucking every ounce of it in from anywhere they can.

I am fairly sure the OP didn't mean anything "sinister" by it, but.... her wording on here would kind of raise my eyebrow if it was my wedding pictures.. so just wanted to say it.
I do think that reaction was to be expected from people like this..

Melaniep101

I think if I were in your shoes OP, I would be cutting them out or at least minimising your time spent with them. Take your mum off Facebook, as that seems to be exacerbating the problem, and don't get embroiled with any of these petty hissy fits. Sounds like your sister and mum side with each other so let them get on with it. You don't need the aggro!

DigForVictory

Get them off your Fb feed.
Get & use Caller Display.
Communicate on Your Terms, not theirs.
Explain carefully to your daughter (mindful of chinese whispers & both accidental & deliberate misunderstandings) what you are doing & why.
As the pace of "Christmas Is A Family Time" & "why is he being mean to my daughter" accelerates, stick to your guns & keep daughter on side. (And wife. A little extra cossetting & vehement relief that you picked a good 'un will help.)
If you can, go away for Christmas?

Libel & slander litigation is horribly expensive - much simpler to take a well fortified step back, hoist the drawbridge & wait.

missprice

I want to say this and I don't often tell this to anyone just cos ppl look at you daft, like I just fell off a high wall and banged my head really hard sort of look.

Years and years ago I had a probably N mother.
Now she made my life awful as a child, and I left home at 15 ( I lied about my age, you could then as no checks were made. )
I told everyone I met that she had died, I left the country to get away from her and her awful husband.
She did try not too hard to find me, but I had gone to the US and again it was all so much easier then.
But the important bit, it took me years to get over her treatment of me, in fact even now sometimes a lightbulb moment clicks in my head and I realize that in fact I can and am allowed to, in no particular order.
Read and watch TV, at the same time
Use more than one towel for just me
Leave the house whenever I want, don't have to get permission
Open my own post, addresssed to me.
Leave my shoes where I want.
Wash my bedding any time I feel like
Pet my pets, stroke them, have them on my knee ( don't currently have a pet but you know what I mean)
Use a different bag every day
Wear black clothing
Buy a coffee from a shop ready made, Costa etc
Buy the bread I like not choke down the stuff I don't like
Talk to any person, not just those approved ppl.
Have my hair long or short.
Toast my bread both sides, strange but true.
Not have warm milk on cereal,

This is by no means an exhaustive list, its just some of the more recent ones, some I got on here, like the towels is from a poster londonsurrey I think.
The toast was an embarrassing revelation, I seriously did not know it was meant to be both sides toasted and the merriment of others when revealed to me made me crawl further into my shell.

But the relief of not having to put up with my mother was worth all the embarrassment.
No more walking on eggshells and still getting battered. Verbally or otherwise.
My shoulders came down from around my ears and I could walk tall for once, as I am quite tall and that frustrated my mother a lot of the time, unless she was bragging about it.