Kate's Journey

Kate_fixing_it

Thanks Beanie still no feeling of impending doom and it spurred me on to do more MSE-y things! I called up the letting agent and gave them what for, they claimed (again) to have not received my email or letter which was quickly backtracked when I pointed out I have read receits for the email.

I have written the begging letter to the bank to ask for bank charges back and PPI refund and I've emailed the credit reference agency asking to be disassociated with ex-husband as we've been apart 14 years yet his name still appeara linked to mine!

DD2 has had a fab birthday and whilst I didn't get any studying done today I have cleared my mental to-do list and all my excuses for procrastination.

My blood test was done today ready for my next leg appointment next week and despite the constant pain I'm feeling like I'm in a really good place. The day off was just what I needed.

I'm now planning a flurry of NSDs to round the week off - there is absolutely nothing I need to buy. I still have itchy feet about wanting to do more towards clearing my debts but I'm accepting of the fact that every day I don't create more is a success.

My current CC is under full attack, I'm doing all I can to win my battles and I am winning, one step at a time in a bath full of pampering goodies

Kate x

Kate_fixing_it

Grump, gripe, whine, moan, whinge and wallow. That pretty much sums up my weekend. Right now I could probably fall out with my own reflection if I could actually look at myself in the mirror. So here I am, this diary always helps me order my thoughts and feelings to get back to my happy place. Feel free to skip this post it's likely to be full of self-pity and self-bum-kicking!

Let's get the negative out the way first then pick it apart and find the positive.

I'm bored, the house is a mess, the kids are off playing and refused my attempts to join in, the teens are at their dad's and hubby is at work doing a 12 hour shift. There's only enough petrol in the car for getting to work, my leg is hurting and the rest of the day is stretching out bleakly in front of me.

I'm in a cycle of thinking I'm getting nowhere with the debts despite having moments of clarity where I'm proud of the changes and progress I've made. The rosd ahead seems so long.

There are plenty of things that I could be doing. Half an hour ago I felt motivated to blitz the house, attack the ironing and dive head first into the next study module. Then I had a cracking feeling coming from my leg as I headed to the kitchen (not painful and a regular occurance these days) and sitting down to get past the initial panic (that's whathhappened when it broke and it always sends me into a spiral of fear even if there isn't excessive pain) has fed seeds of doubt into my head.

Quite frankly I'm avoiding opening the books because I'm scared of failure. Totally irrational, the chances of failing are minimal. I know how to do this, I do it every day at work but I need a bit of paper to say I'm competent to progress. Still, I can't shake the fear or seem to open the book.

The housework is the perfect excuse to avoid it but again I can't seem to get started. Pre-leg I would have put on some loud music, sung along and danced my heart out. It just seems like so much more of a chore.

Doing either would pass the day away, be productive and distract me from thinking about the debts. I'm just lacking motivation.

Now that's out of my system I need a plan to get the first step taken. I'm going to just do one thing for 20 minutes and hope it snowballs. I have two immediate options, study or clean. I should start on the hardest I suppose (opening the books) and swallow the fear and the ifs and buts. But what about the housework? So I'll start with the housework...and berate myself for being a coward with every surface I wipe, dish I wash and item of clothing I iron. See, a big circle of procrastination and while I'm sat here writing this and thinking about it I've done NOTHING.

So here it is in black and white, the plan:
I am going to finish this post.
I am going to switch off my phone.
I am going to get my backside into the kitchen.
I am going to turn on the radio.
I am going to clean for 20 minutes.
I am going to NOT think about studying.
I am going to NOT think about debts.
I am going to listen to the mindless twaddle on the radio as I work.

When all that is done I am going to come back here and re-read this post to see how ridiculous I am being!

Now it's in black and white for all the world to see I HAVE to do it.

And finally I am going to apologise to anyone who reads this for being so silly over something so ridiculous as lacking the motivation to get out of my pit of selfishness and get off my bum and do something about it!

Kate x

pickle_me

Hi Kate I really sympathise, I'm feeling the same. I'm blaming the time of year. I hate January, I think there are only two ways to make it bearable: a month-long holiday on a private Caribbean island, or total hibernation. Sadly finances make the first impossible, and finances/job/small children requiring care rule the second out (although I'm giving it a damn good try!) So I'm like a bear with a sore head, because I'm a bear who should be hibernating. I have lots of good intentions and resolutions but it's so hard to get motivated.

One thing I used to do when I was a stay-at-home-mum suffering from cabin fever and finding it all a bit like groundhog day was to award myself a medal every now and again. For example, if I'd managed to head a tantrum off at the pass by packing a snack or favourite toy, or if I'd done a craft activity with the kids (I HATE craft :rotfl: ) that they'd really enjoyed. Nobody else is going to reward you so sometimes you have to reward yourself!

I think (bear with me, I'm getting to the point!) that debt-busting is a bit like that too - it can be dull and slow and feel so unrewarding but you have to give yourself a medal every now and again to acknowledge what you've done so far. So Kate, I hereby bestow a medal on you for everything you've done to tackle your debt. Well done you :T

What are you studying? I've always been the world's worst procrastinator when it comes to studying. My room at university was always spotless as I'd clean it to within an inch of its life if I had an essay to write!

Kate_fixing_it

Thanks Pickleme xxx I shall wear my medal with pride I think I maybe expected January this year to be a total change to previous years, I feel exactly the same as always but with a little less worry.

Ironically I'm studying accountancy! I can handle millions of pounds of corporate money to the penny but messed up my own finances! At work I look after over 70 bank accounts in 8 different currencies with relative ease but can't quite manage one at home...until now.

My 20 minutes turned into two hours of cleaning and cooking, the kids were in the garden (in direct sight) with their bikes and I now have 3 days of dinner sorted, all the washing clean and dry and a spotless kitchen. Whilst there was no dancing I have had a good sing along to show tunes and I didn't allow my mind to wander. I'm pretty tired now so I'm going to allow myself a sit down with a cuppa before I have another "20 minutes". I certainly feel a lot better for having done something.

I think in a way I feel a bit trapped. My life (obviously) centres on the family but the only thing I have outside that is work and due to previously having a boss that wasn't particularly supportive or encouraging I've fallen into the habit of thinking this is just how life is. I think I've got myself into a rut that I'm too scared to try to climb out of for fear of failure or being shot down for trying career wise.

I also think I've used my leg as a hiding place. Yes, it's constantly painful and for every two steps forward I take one back but I'm a fool for letting it take over my life. It's been nearly 9 months and it's been a very long 9 months but it's time I stopped hiding. I have a meeting with my new boss this week and I need to make it clear what I want in the future and ask for help to get there. Okay, so I'm temporarily limited physically but I can get around that. Plenty of people are far worse off than me and still do amazing things. I just need to take that first scary step (no pun intended!)

Now, cup of tea, polish my medal and pull my socks up. This attitude is getting me nowhere. Time to decide what I want, how to get it and then go get it. And recognise the only thing in my way is my own self-doubt!

Kate x

beanielou

It is difficult when you are in pain a lot of the time.
It does drag you down.
Keep podding

Kate_fixing_it

beanielou wrote: »

It is difficult when you are in pain a lot of the time.
It does drag you down.
Keep podding

Thanks Beanielou, I know you understand. When there's a good day you can take on the world but a bad day feels so hard to just get through. Hopefully my appointment on Thursday will give me some new hope that this will be over soon.

Kate x

beanielou

Yes I hope Thursday's appointment does give you some answers.
Positive vibes for that xx

Kate_fixing_it

Thank you, it's very much appreciated xxx At least I'll find out whether I'm actually healing and we can decide on the next steps.

Kate_fixing_it

MASSIVELY busy day here! I got through a phenomenal amount of work and despite two meetings I still managed to escape work at the earliest opportunity, get the grocery shopping en route to picking the kids up and yesterday's marathon kitchen session meant I just needed to throw dinner into the oven when I got in

Last night I did the "debt quiz" on the stepchange website and the results have gone from "consider a DMP" to "repay as scheduled and overpay" which really raised my spirits

One of the meetings at work was really good and has encouraged me to be more confident in asking for help in moving onwards and upwards. The individual meeting is on Friday. By then I'll know a little more about the action plan for the leg and I will be in a position to set some realistic goals.

All in all a great day! Thank you for your support (and my medal ) you've once again got me through a terrible few days. With each pause in the road I feel like I'm coming back stronger. You guys are truly awesome!

Kate x

Kate_fixing_it

It's official. The world has gone mad!

I posted on the main forum about hanging on to my soon to be cleared card as an emergency fund and throwing all my cash at the debts. I got some great advice and think it might be the way to go. I'd then get the next highest APR card cleared, close the"eemergency fund" card and hang on to newest clear card and so on and so on.

Then the post arrived. The nearly clear card are offering to double my credit limit! That makes available credit nearly £10k on just cards with the other increase! All I can say is thank god I had my LBM when I did or I'd be off up a certain creek without a paddle!

I'm obviously doing something right or they wouldn't be offering but this is insane! They knew my current salary, outgoings and level of debt when I applied yet this has happened. I'm imagining some grubby little man (sorry to any men reading, it's just my mental picture! ) rubbing his hands together and thinking "well, every time she gets credit she spends like crazy and lines people's pockets with interest charges, I want some!"

Well, "grubby little man" (sorry again) that ship has sailed! I'll be in touch and I will be asking you for a 0% APR balance transfer! You can have a 1-3% fee but that's all you're getting from me, take it or leave it, one time offer. And should you decline I'll be graciously thanking you for the offer but declining.

By God this feels good! I'm in control of my finances, I'm the one making demands and I feel like a proper grown up (at last )

It's also occured to me that both credit limit increases happen in the middle of half term week. Coincidence? I think not. So 7 weeks after the spend-fest that is Christmas...7 cold, wet, dark weeks I suddenly have £900 of "available cash" and 4 kids to occupy. Well played credit companies but I'm on to you

And now I sound like a total conspiracy theory nut case :rotfl: it's still me, achy, grumpy, whiny, limpy me. But the new improved me who feels like she's winning by not bashing the plastic. And if some silly image of a grubby little man not making money out of me reinforces that then I'm all for it!

Kate x