Elderly parents won't let us help

claire16c

If you are worried about falls would they accept having one of those things where you can press a button and it alerts someone? My Nan has one of those.

Errata

Your dad doesn't sound in good shape at the moment. Do try and track down his Macmillan nurse and have a chat with her, outlining his situation as you see it, and discussing what would be the most helpful way forward. Could she call on your dad 'on spec'; I suspect he'd be unlikely to refuse to let her in, and there may be all manner of things she could suggest to him whilst quietly assessing how he is and how things are at home. I'd also like to suggest you write in some detail to his GP about how you see things are going downhill.
Could you accompany him to the appt with the oncologist?

Ben247

lostinrates wrote: »

Good news on the m and s meals.

If they can heat things up and refuse more of these can you home cook meals to freeze/refrigerate for them at the same time as your household and then say you are batch cooking and you have over catered, can they help you out ?

I tried this before and they ended up in the freezer, soup seems to go down well though. Spoke to sister last night and suggested we take something out of the freezer for tea when we visit.

jackyann

I second the advice about speaking to as many of the professionals involved as you possibly can. This is a suggestion:
Make a list of everyone who might come across your parents. Include the practice nurse at the surgery. Write a letter, copied to them all, saying that you realise they cannot discuss your parents' confidential details, but they need to know these things that are worrying you.
Say that you would welcome discussing these matter with them.
Nurses & doctors in this situation are usually very aware of the problems, but also of their limitations, and usually delighted to get a family member on board.

I do think this is very hard indeed, you have my sympathies.

heretolearn_2

We went through this last year.

We all got together with them and basically gently bullied them (hated doing it but had to) but also backed up with lots and lots of reassurance as their fears were the same as your parents; loss of independence, interference from 'outsiders', being put in ahome, etc etc. Dad has Alzheimers and Mum was nearly having a breakdown herself trying to look after him 'all on her own, there's no help for us, blah blah' but one of my brothers spoke to someone at the hospital and we found out they'd been offered lots of help, but were refusing it due to their fears.

We managed to persuade them to let us help more, and to talk to someone from the Alzheimers society (they will visit at home). I took this leaflet for them to read - it is for the Essex Social services but it does explain in a very reassuring way how help for the elderly works and that it is under their control - no-one is going to take over if they start asking for help. Even if you aren't in Essex, the principles are the same and it might help reassure them. Most councils have lots of these leaflets on their websites if you dig around, including 'easyread' versions that put it all in very clear English.

they were frightened - but they agreed they needed some help. to be honest though, we did have to wait for Dad to have an accident that needed A&E treatment before they really accepted they couldn't cope just on their own.

but now...they are loving it all (still with a few reservations each time about taking each step) but are so happy with what they have had provided, either by us or via social services/Alzheimers society.

there are some simple unintrusive things that make life a lot easier that if they are just saying an automatic 'no' to everything without listening, they are missing out on. For example - Dad's medication is now delivered to their door weekly, already arranged in a plastic box with days and time of day (so a row for monday, with 'morning' 'lunchtime' 'evening' and 'bedtime' slots) and all his tablets sorted ready into each dose. that way he can still look after his medication himself and feel in control of it, while keeping to the routine it needs. This is free and was arranged through their GP.

They had free grab rails fitted by steps around the house (indoors and outside).

What you can arrange is for them to have one person to co-ordinate it all for them, to liaise between Alzheimers Society, hospital, occupational health, social services etc. My parents have a lady from the Alzheimers society who does this and they have grown to trust her. It really opens up a lot of help for them, and they aren't pushy about it at all, it's offered and they can think about it and make their own decisions on what they do and don't need at the moment. Alzheimers Society have been fantastic for us - they do a lot of practical local work all round the country.

Ben247

Desperado99 wrote: »

It might be worth pointing out to them that with pre-prepared meals they don't have to both have the same thing (I know it sounds obvious but sometimes people don't think like that)..

They share one between them as they don't eat much. I tried to buy ones with more generous portions or intended for two people as getting smaller ones and suggesting they have one each won't work. They have a pudding/fruit etc sometimes too if they're still hungry.

Ben247

heretolearn wrote: »

We went through this last year.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and with so much detail, it's clearly been a difficult year, great outcome though

I'm hoping going with dad to the hospital in a few weeks will kick things off and be the "event" needed for them to accept help. He has been stable for some time, but is facing the possibility of more surgery. This was particularly hard on both of them last time. They are trying to plan for this, but not in any realistic fashion e.g. talking about getting mum a small car so she can get about if he can't drive. She hasn't driven for 10+ years and is too nervous to drive with him in the car telling her what to do, and wouldn't go out without him so it's a total non-issue, but one that seems to take a lot of their thoughts. We're trying to talk them round to taxi's but its a generational thing I think.

I have a friend who has a cleaning business and another who is connected to a taxi company so I'll be making enquiries. I'm hoping I can talk them round as it's people I know so they can trust them i.e. not strangers.

Gigervamp

If they're not eating much, could they get protein drinks prescribed? When I was going through chemo last year I lost my apetite and my oncologist prescribed the drinks for me.
They're not bad, small bottles and taste like thick milkshakes.

Errata

I'm hoping going with dad to the hospital in a few weeks will kick things off and be the "event" needed for them to accept help

This will be an excellent opportunity for you to mention how much he and your mum are struggling, along the lines of "Dad, do you remember the other day/week you told me you couldn't/didn't blah blah" which will give the oncologist the info they need, without you appearing to give them the info directly IYSWIM.
HTH