Elderly parents won't let us help

Angelicdevil

Great thread! My grandparents are in a similar situation and it's becoming very distressing for all concerned, will be keeping an eye on the replies!

Goodluck OP!

Mojisola

bugslet wrote: »

Unfortunately neither you nor any outside agencies can force help on them that they don't want. You sound as if you are doing really well at the minute even if you don't think you are. All you can do is keep an eye on them and try little tricks to get them to accept things which will make their lives easier and safer.

It can be very hard - we've given our kids permission to "bully" us for our own good as we get older but whether we'll let them do it when the time comes, I don't know!

My parents were also worried about going into hospital or residential care and "not being allowed home". After we'd had visits from several different agencies who all said the same thing (They can't wait to get you out of hospital these days/All the focus now is supporting you so that you can stay at home), my parents did change their thinking. Of course, if your parents won't allow anyone into the house in the first place, that's more difficult.

Like nom de plume said - when the time came and Dad did have to move into a care home, he found that he liked it and was much happier there than he had been at home alone.

pmlindyloo

I really feel for you.

It is so difficult to try to help older people who dislike anyone interfering and do not like people coming into their home.

I would echo the idea of speaking to their doctor.

The only practical things you can do (if there are enough of you to share the load) is to visit as often as possible. Personally I wouldn't even tell them you are coming. Take a meal you can warm up and do as much as you can around the house without their noticing.

Trying to get them to accept help by talking about it can easily become 'bullying' in their eyes and can cause a lot of friction. Just be cheerful and matter of fact.

If they open post then you could do a bit of googling for various services in their area and get it sent to them. They might open it and think on it - you never know! If you see the catalogues/whatever you could comment but not 'nag' (if you know what I mean)

Do your parents get on with the doctor? Sometimes a doctor is able to persuade their patients to receive help much better than family. You could explore this if you think it might work.

Good luck with it all.

Mojisola

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Do your parents get on with the doctor? Sometimes a doctor is able to persuade their patients to receive help much better than family. You could explore this if you think it might work.

Or a nurse - I found the nurses at our surgery were very good at this kind of thing.

As there is a MacMillan nurse already involved, I would try talking to her as well.

CH27

I think the MacMilan nurse will be a massive help if you can get to speak to her.
They can pull lots of different agencies together & in my experience have good links with the GP.

z.n

FinL now uses the Wiltshire Farm Foods frozen ready meals. I was upset to begin with as I was expecting to make up meals for him. But actually it works really well and he is happy with the quality. Limited washing up and they come in two sizes for smaller/larger appetites. The puddings are not such good value so he has a yoghurt or something. The company seem to be very reliable -they deliver once a week and haven't let him down yet. They also seem to be very good about long-winded ordering over the phone. They supply a taster set which gives a chance to try the different things on offer. The cost is not unreasonable considering the convenience. They are the ones advertised by Ronnie Corbett- a real plus factor (trust wise.)

The main advantage for us has been that FinL remains independent food wise. He can choose what he wants to eat rather than getting our leftover/extra portion. He has full flexibility as he can just decide what is for dinner at the last moment depending on appetite/energy. The portions can be adjusted-they do extra potatoes in a separate pack and he adds some peas if needed. All quick and very easy. The knock on effect is that he can also cope better with the other shopping/planning. The cheese bread butter eggs list is short and easy to manage and he doesn't have to worry about things going off in the fridge/wasting money and effort.

If they have reached the point when a ding dinner is too much for them to manage then I think you have to consider very carefully whether to speak to social services about better support for them so they are checked on every day. Even if that is just so you know who to contact in an emergency. Carers can come in just to serve up a ready meal once or twice a day.

The other thing we've done is to give FinL a truecall blocker as he was getting harrassed with all sorts of sales scams causing enormous distress-they just don't give up. That has worked brilliantly and has taken away a lot of stress. It took about 5 months to persuade him to let us install it- we eventually said it was ours, had got rid of our cold callers so would he like to borrow it for a while.

The main thing is not to bully ( I struggle as I get focused on the mission) but gently, gently and take plenty of time. Be prepared for an idea to circulate for many weeks before a decision is made.

verynewmoneysaver

I second the advice for Wiltshire Foods. I order them for my Mum every week and she enjoys them, although she does have to have carers from social services to warm them up for her. I think eventually your parents may have to accept an assessment from social services to put in place a care plan, but sometimes you can't get the elderly to accept any help until some sort of crisis occurs.

Ben247

Went over last night and took some M&S ready meals which went ok. They say they can heat them up ok, although they say they can cook for themselves but the example given was dinner one day last week.

We had a good chat anyway about practical approaches and maybe eating when they are hungry and not just when it's "time". Loss of appetite and not feeling well seems to be a contributory factor in not eating so hopefully having easy food to hand will help.

Had a good chat with sister as well and agreed we need to keep in touch with each other more and co-ordinate our efforts. She had tried taking Dad to M&S to choose meals previously, but he didn't see anything they fancied. Mum is a picky eater and it's ending up he doesn't eat either.

If only I could have a webcam in their fridge lol.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and ideas.

lostinrates

Good news on the m and s meals.

If they can heat things up and refuse more of these can you home cook meals to freeze/refrigerate for them at the same time as your household and then say you are batch cooking and you have over catered, can they help you out ?

Desperado99

It might be worth pointing out to them that with pre-prepared meals they don't have to both have the same thing (I know it sounds obvious but sometimes people don't think like that).

It might also be worth looking at the supermarket 'posh' ranges of ready meals (Tesco finest etc) for a little more variety.