Elderly parents won't let us help

Ben247

My parents are elderly and have various serious illnesses (I'm not looking for medical advice), however their conditions are both deteriorating, and I'm having problems getting them to accept additional assistance and care. My father has particularly gone downhill in the last few weeks, he was reluctant to go to his GP, and when he finally went they have taken bloods and say they will send the results direct to his oncologist. That appointment is not for 4 weeks and he is literally yellow (he said the gp doesn't know why). My Mum has mobility issues, and also dementia.

The main problem is they are determined to be independant and retain their privacy so I'm not even sure we are getting all of the information on their health let alone their care needs. We are worried sick about them, but they say they are fine, and it's half stories and secrets. They are losing weight and need help with shopping/cooking and although we can shop for them, Mum forgets to make food half the time or they just have toast with jam and I don't think Dad would know how to make more than a sandwich. They talk of having done housework or made meals when clearly it hasn't happened, tell us they are fine when they're obviously not but won't let us help saying there's no problem or they'll do it later.

Does anyone have advice on how to best help them practically, and how to get them to accept help? We don't want to force/bully them in any way, but they need to eat. I was thinking a family meeting to discuss it with everyone would help, as they tell different things to different people, and at least we can get everything out at once. If they would let us pop in with dinner, or to make dinner at least they'd be getting one good meal and can have a sandwich/cereal for breakfast and lunch. Unfortunately leaving food to heat doesn't seem to work as they put it in the freezer.

Any ideas on helping them and getting them to accept help?

As an example the boiler has various issues and although they call someone out, when it breaks again they don't deal with it immediately or let us know to deal with it, so then they're without heat when we think it's been fixed! (It's under 2 years old and has a care plan, they just need to make a phone call)

welshgirl31

Have you contacted Age Concern? They may have volunteers and/or support workers who could help your parents understand they need some care and assistance?

Mojisola

It's very difficult - I know that doesn't help but there are lots of others who have been in your situation and understand how you feel.

You could ask for a meeting or for a phone call with your parents' GP. He/she won't talk to you about them but the doctor should be prepared to listen to your concerns.

You all know your parents best - work out between you if there is a way that they may accept help. With my parents, I got Dad to accept help with the garden because there was a local young man starting up his own business and I knew my Dad would like to help him get started.

Once Dad was having help with the garden, I was able to get Mum to have a cleaner - "Look, now Dad isn't having to cut the grass, he's got time and energy to go a bit more - why don't you let someone help in the house?"

As they gradually got used to having help, the argument that the extra help was allowing them to stay in their own home together was the clincher.

Although you may be able to find a way to get them to accept help, you also have to be prepared for them to totally refuse. Although it might be obvious from outside that they need help, you can't force help on them. Sometimes you have no choice but to stand on the sidelines until something desperate happens.

Gigglepig

Ready made meals are not always tempting. If they can afford it, m&s ready meals are very tasty and there is a good choice of appetizing looking traditional as well as foreign meals. If they try them and like them perhaps they would be open to having them again in the future?

Ben247

welshgirl31 wrote: »

Have you contacted Age Concern? They may have volunteers and/or support workers who could help your parents understand they need some care and assistance?

There's no way they would discuss anything with strangers unfortunately. Dad has a McMillan nurse, but says she doesn't do much. I'm not sure if this is because he tells her he is fine. I'm going to try and get her details for a chat.

Mojisola wrote: »

You could ask for a meeting or for a phone call with your parents' GP. He/she won't talk to you about them but the doctor should be prepared to listen to your concerns.

Sister is going to try this. We haven't taken this step previously because they won't be happy at us doing this.

Mojisola wrote: »

Sometimes you have no choice but to stand on the sidelines until something desperate happens.

That's what we're worried about.

They do have help with the garden, not managed to get help indoors, they're not happy with us helping.

Gigglepig wrote: »

Ready made meals are not always tempting. If they can afford it, m&s ready meals are very tasty and there is a good choice of appetizing looking traditional as well as foreign meals. If they try them and like them perhaps they would be open to having them again in the future?

I'll try this, they "trust" M&S so could be more open to pre-prepared food from there. The food issue seems to be a mix of them not fancying anything and not preparing anything or just toast. They do eat when we take them out so they can eat if the food is prepared and served.


Thanks everyone for your ideas. We're all just worried sick about them but can't just treat them like kids and make them do things (although my sister would like to but that's another story). I think Dad is in denial, and I'm not sure Mum really remembers what is or isn't happening.

bugslet

Excellent post from Mojisola. My OH, ( partner 26 years, never married), wnet downhill with dementia quite rapidly and I ended up speaking to the GP a few times about him. Obviously there are privacy issues, but it's important to start the ball rolling and to at least register you concerns regarding their health and ability to cope.

Unfortunately neither you nor any outside agencies can force help on them that they don't want. You sound as if you are doing really well at the minute even if you don't think you are. All you can do is keep an eye on them and try little tricks to get them to accept things which will make their lives easier and safer.

If the dementia gets worse, there is an alzheimers forum as well that you may find useful.

elsien

Would they consider meals on wheels? My grandmother who used to do a lot of home cooking got on very well with these as they have quite traditional meals and very nice puddings. (Some days she missed the main course and just had 2 puds.) And they arrive hot and ready to eat.
The other bonus of this is that there is someone going in at a set time everyday who can raise the alarm if there is a problem.
Would they consider a lifeline type set up in case of emergencies? That wouldn't involve strangers as such as if there is a problem the call goes out to nominated numbers, usually a relative. You can sell this to them along the grounds of maintaining independence as if some one falls they can get help straight away which might minimise the length of time spent in hospital etc.
They're probably scared that if someone does go in it'll mean them getting carted off to a home, rather than giving them the support to stay at home for longer which obviously is what they want to happen.

graspandsave

I know its hard, we've been there.

I know you say you don't want to bully them/coerce them. BUT, it's so hard for a elderly person to admit the things they cannot do anymore. Its a failing in their mind, they are proud and its like admitting defeat.

However, maybe, you have to explain to them your feelings, and how if you stood by and did nothing, how you would feel if something terrible were to happen to them. Sometimes they just need to hear that.

These discussions aren't easy, but from the sounds of things you are in emotional turmoil by not doing anything.

BTW, I think AgeUK or whatever they call themselves these days, could give YOU advise on how to approach this with your parents.

wishing you all the best.

Ben247

elsien wrote: »

minimise the length of time spent in hospital etc.
They're probably scared that if someone does go in it'll mean them getting carted off to a home, rather than giving them the support to stay at home for longer which obviously is what they want to happen.

They are scared of going into hospital and not getting back out. There was a problem with fainting/blackouts and they wouldn't tell the doc in case they "didn't get back out". We did manage to persuade them that it would be daft to die over something that could be minor and easily fixed if only they'd gotten help. As far as I know this has been resolved with a change of meds.

nom_de_plume

I had a similar situation recently with a relative who wanted to remain completely independent and yet was totally unable to care for their self. For a while, ready meals solved the problem of not eating properly. Despite their protests, I bought and heated one and served it up on a plate. Every last drop was consumed and from that day on they formed a major part of their diet.
Not too long after it became obvious that the person needed to move into a care home. They were adamant that it was not necessary but it really was. It took a great deal of persuading and some gentle bullying to get them to agree to the move, which was from a hospital bed following another fall. They moved to a great care home a few days later and spent their last months there, much happier than they were at home.

DigForVictory

So they'll not have a Power of Attorney sorted then? You might want to suggest this to each parent separately, so they can keep looking after the other one?
*Most* uncomfortable for you, but I'm afraid time is your most reliable ally.