To call Social Services or not?

Halloween_Haribo

duchy wrote: »

If the father talks to the school - and they share the concerns they would make a referral which might be better all around. It's also likely to give the fourteen year old someone to talk to who isn't directly involved which might unmuddy the waters a bit.

That sounds like a good idea for a way forward rather than full steam ahead with SS. Thanks Duchy

FBaby

Once SS are called, it is quite likely that she will infer it was her ex or you. She probably would even if it wasn't. I therefore think it would much more civilised to warn her that your partner is thinking about it. Maybe he could write her a letter, saying that he is concerns over this and that, that it might not be accurate, but in this case, can they discuss amicably, that if she refuses and he can't see any differences, he will be left with no other choice but to involve Social Services, although he doesn't want to. If she refuses contact, he will call them immediately.

amyloofoo

duchy wrote: »

If the father talks to the school - and they share the concerns they would make a referral which might be better all around. It's also likely to give the fourteen year old someone to talk to who isn't directly involved which might unmuddy the waters a bit.

I second this, and truly wish one of us had thought to approach the school when my sisters were little.

My lovely step sisters got caught up in a similar situation when we were all younger. Their biological mother, henceforth BM (I'm not being disparaging, this is how they now refer to her) would not bath them during her contact weekends, wouldn't keep up with headlice treatments etc, and would then deliberately send them to school in unsuitable, badly fitting, old and / or dirty clothes rather than the ones that had been provided for them. She knew it annoyed my Mum to keep sending them in nice clothes and receiving them back in things that were only suitable for the bin and seemingly didn't care about how this would affect the kids (they were around 7, 9 and 10 at the time).

Mum and Dad tried talking to her about it, approached social services themselves and even spoke to the solicitors, but nothing changed the situation. Eventually my youngest step sister started crying at school because the other kids were calling her smelly and teasing her about having nits and the school stepped in. Social services seemed to take a referral from them much more seriously (perhaps they thought that it was simply a petty row between 'evil stepmum' and NRP before) and steps were put in place to make sure things improved for the girls.

At the end of the day I don't think the children will mind how the intervention comes about, as long as it does... but it's best to avoid the situation becoming personal as much as possible for everyone's sake. Hopefully the school will be able to help, and if not then the NSPCC is another good suggestion.

Cherryscone

I wouldn't hesitate to ring I could see it if the cat had fleas and the kids got bit and she then treated the cat and treated the kids bites (and the house)but as you said she's ignored them and she hasn't listened to any advice she has got ss may be the wake up call she needs.

Halloween_Haribo

Thanks everyone - you're a great bunch :beer:

paulofessex

I agree that the children's mother should be made aware of the referral being made as it should give a clear message to her that the father and partner is very concerned.

Also, more importantly when you make a referral, although you can request to remain anonymous, the person taking the referral should explain that although your name will not be disclosed, the information you provide may indeed identify you.

Personally by all means talk to the school however please don't rely on the school to make a referral, it is common knowledge amongst the professional bodies that SOME teaching and health staff are hesitant to make referrals as they do not want to be that lead person to make a referral due to possible backlash from parents.

If you ask me, by the other parent making the referral and the eldest child being aware of such, it gives the children confidence that they are being listened too and believed by that parent and therefore know that they can open up and and trust that parent should the need arise in the future.