To call Social Services or not?

Halloween_Haribo

Thanks for your replies everyone. I've edited this now just to make sure no one recognises the circumstances as I know I'm not either of the primary carers and don't want people thinking I'm interfering.

Thanks everyone

aileth

I personally would. The living conditions sound way below satisfactory, and if the children are getting eaten alive by fleas that'd be a big concern. They aren't getting fed, nor washed. These are all basic needs. A 14 year old isn't old enough to be left alone with a three year old if that 14 year old doesn't feel comfortable doing it!

The children's basic needs are being neglected and she is ignoring their requests, I'd definitely ring!

**professor~yaffle**

Yes, but can you ring anonymously? I can imagine the fireworks if she finds out her ex-husband's new partner is calling social services to say she's got a dirty house and is not looking after the kids properly!

hgotsparkle

I would, they would clearly be better off living with you and their father, or grandparents but they can't stay with their mother like that. If she sees having her children as not living then I doubt shes a maternal woman.

paddy's_mum

Yes, I would. Anonymously.

The chances are that you'll be blamed for setting the bods onto her whether you actually did so or not so you might as well, knowing that your aim is the welfare of the children.

If she is so out of it - for whatever reason - that she won't heed anyone at all, then someone needs to intervene or she will never receive the help that she may desperately need.

I also think that if anything really dreadful happened to either of those children (upsetting a boiling kettle, falling downstairs, septicaemia from untreated flea bites) you would never forgive yourself for failing to act when you knew full well that there were very real problems.

Better by far, in my view, to do the so-called 'wrong' thing for the right reasons.

Good luck.

hgotsparkle

I think they may look more into the happiness of the children rather than storm in, given that at 14, the eldest can speak for herself.

tea_lover

Have either of the children spoken to their teachers about how things are? Maybe they could speak to SS (possibly in addition to your OH doing so).

kelpie35

It is your responsibility as well as your OH to make sure the children a well cared for.

By the sounds of things, that is not the case.

I would ring SS immediately, withholding your name, and state your concerns to them.

LondonDiva

You also need to see what you can do to equip the 14 year old. At 14 she should be more than capable of putting together a simple meal (couscous, eggs, beans on toast or even cereal etc) if her mother is not feeding her till late.

Could you send her home with a stash for her room for days when she and her sister need an earlier meal? Also some of your weekends could be spent practicing very easy meals etc.

If he does have concerns and doesn't feel able to speak to mum, your husband must move this forward by raising them with social services, the schools and their GP immediately.

Why does the 14 year old feel scared when left with her sister? Is it a security thing? Has your husband assured her that she can call him if she is really worried? It serves two purposes, it gives the 14 year old some peace of mind and may mean that she is more confident to babysit and if things are really bad, dad is on call and will start to have evidence if he wants to renegotiate access.

If you / the 14 year old are concerned that the little one is not being bathed regularly, can the 14 year old not step into the gap in the interim? I was working as a mother's help at 14 and that included bathing a 2 & 4 year old; most of my friends were capable of lending a hand to look after siblings like this at that age.

It's not ideal, but there are ways to mitigate the 'damage' while dad tries to sort things out which will mean that you and dad work to develop the 14 year old's confidence and capability; this includes supporting her to be a little more capable (food, bathing etc) and mature enough to ask her dad for help if she thinks she is really out of her depth.

kelpie35

Halloween_Haribo wrote: »

Thanks for responding.

It would be my OH doing the ringing - we know better than for it to come from me as I don't have children and I don't want to be seen telling her how to do things!!

Problem is he's scared she'll make things worse for him as the divorce is only just starting to go through and she's tricky to deal with at the best of times. He's also worried that SS will go in there all guns blazing, which could be upsetting for the kids - though I would argue that it would be no more upsetting that the living conditions currently.

what is more important, the children's well being or your OH's divorce? :eek:

quinechinoise

No, I wouldn't phone social services. I'd phone her mother. Grandma is usually a safe bet for swift and helpful action!

Is the house seriously filthy or is it simply extremely 'messy'? Is there a reason why a 14 y/o cannot fix a simple meal like beans on toast or a sandwich? The nearly 4 y/o does not need to wash every day. The teenager is old enough to babysit, particularly for a sibling.

The tooth brushing IS a problem. My dentist reckons that at least one brushing per day should be carried out by a parent until about 8 y/o. Small children might want to do it themselves but it's hard for them to reach and clean their back teeth properly.

The cat IS also a big problem. It needs to go to the vet, asap. Whoever can afford it, will have to take it there.