To call Social Services or not?

hgotsparkle

LondonDiva wrote: »

You also need to see what you can do to equip the 14 year old. At 14 she should be more than capable of putting together a simple meal (couscous, eggs, beans on toast or even cereal etc) if her mother is not feeding her till late.

Could you send her home with a stash for her room for days when she and her sister need an earlier meal? Also some of your weekends could be spent practicing very easy meals etc.

If he does have concerns and doesn't feel able to speak to mum, your husband must move this forward by raising them with social services, the schools and their GP immediately.

Why does the 14 year old feel scared when left with her sister? Is it a security thing? Has your husband assured her that she can call him if she is really worried? It serves two purposes, it gives the 14 year old some peace of mind and may mean that she is more confident to babysit and if things are really bad, dad is on call and will start to have evidence if he wants to renegotiate access.

If you / the 14 year old are concerned that the little one is not being bathed regularly, can the 14 year old not step into the gap in the interim? I was working as a mother's help at 14 and that included bathing a 2 & 4 year old; most of my friends were capable of lending a hand to look after siblings like this at that age.

It's not ideal, but there are ways to mitigate the 'damage' while dad tries to sort things out which will mean that you and dad work to develop the 14 year old's confidence and capability; this includes supporting her to be a little more capable (food, bathing etc) and mature enough to ask her dad for help if she thinks she is really out of her depth.

Though that solves the practical problems of bathing and being fed, thats not a very happy existence for the 14 year old. She should be out with friends, enjoying herself and being happy, not needing to do the things her mother should be capable of doing for her younger sister.

**professor~yaffle**

LondonDiva wrote: »

You also need to see what you can do to equip the 14 year old. At 14 she should be more than capable of putting together a simple meal (couscous, eggs, beans on toast or even cereal etc) if her mother is not feeding her till late.

Could you send her home with a stash for her room for days when she and her sister need an earlier meal? Also some of your weekends could be spent practicing very easy meals etc.

Possibly there's nothing in the house, so mum gets a take-away in late evening to feed them all? Don't know, I'm just hazarding a guess.

quinechinoise

Halloween_Haribo wrote: »

Her house is the same. Their mum learnt everythng she knows about housekeeping from her mum - nothing. My OH did most stuff around the house when he was there!

What about other family members? Her MIL? Siblings? Aunties?

thorsoak

How long have you and partner been together?

LondonDiva

hgotsparkle wrote: »

Though that solves the practical problems of bathing and being fed, thats not a very happy existence for the 14 year old. She should be out with friends, enjoying herself and being happy, not needing to do the things her mother should be capable of doing for her younger sister.

Part of being a sibling and family is lending a hand. Other kids in families that are 'working well' will lend this type of a hand and it doesn't seem to be the end of the world.

Until dad can sort things out this is the only thing to make a difference. At 14, there is a limit to the 'going out' she should be doing during the week anyway and she should be assured this is a short term thing.

duchy

So did the mother not keep the house clean and the kids bathed when your boyfriend lived with her ? As you say divorce proceedings have only just started I assume they have not been apart that long .

If (as seems likely ) this is a new thing - could the mother be clinically depressed or even the leftovers of PND? After all she's left with two children to raise (and according to you has only just started having a social life) whilst the children's father has already moved in with someone else .

With such a large gap between the children's ages it was obviously a long marriage so shouldn't your OH be stepping up to the plate and talking to her and to the school before running off to report her to social services (or was SS your idea?) Sorry but he's an experienced parent and you have no experience of children and presumably haven't known any of the family very long-so perhaps you should butt out and support him rather than lead in this quite difficult situation.

As for the bathing situation - surely the fourteen year old could do this -likewise fourteen year old is capable of making a basic meal.......it sounds like the fourteen year old might be telling you what you want to hear and the reality may not be as presented. Before trying to disrupt the situation (I assume it's to give you a better chance of custody although neither of the kids want it -I'd have thought a "scared and starving" 14 year old would jump at the chance.....which is why I'm not convinced you have the full story)) be very sure you have all the facts or it could weaken your case considerably.

duchy

Halloween_Haribo wrote: »

Nearly a year and a half and the children have been in my life for a year.

Were you the reason for the breakup ?
The "other woman" having an involvement is likely to make things worse.......and a fourteen year old probably feels torn in two -tread very gently.

paulofessex

OP if preferred you could phone the NSPCC 24hour helpline to make a referral, they will then pass it onto social services for you.

duchy

If the father talks to the school - and they share the concerns they would make a referral which might be better all around. It's also likely to give the fourteen year old someone to talk to who isn't directly involved which might unmuddy the waters a bit.

thorsoak

1. Get OH to buy some Frontline for cats (you can get it at Pets at Home) and ask 14 year old to treat the cat - it only needs the drops to be squeezed on the back of the neck, jdst between shoulder blades. A 14 year old is quite old enough to be trusted to do that.

2. Then ask her to get out the hoover and hoover all around - again at 14 years of age, she is old enough to take over that job in order to make the environment for herself and her little sister better.

3. Make sure that 14 year old knows how to cook things other than just grilling/frying, so that she can feed herself and her sister.

Now I know that it should not be the responsibility of the 14 year old to do this, but I hate the idea of this teenager becoming a victim because she hasn't been given the tools to make life a bit better for herself and her sister until this situation can be sorted out.

If your OH has joint parental responsibility, there is no reason why he should not say that they are staying with you.

But, as others have said - is the 14 year old telling you just what your OH wants to hear??