Crippled with paranoia, insecurities and jealousy.

welshgirl31

aileth wrote: »

Going to be blunt here.

Sorry, but you sound like the one who is destroying the relationship here. You admit to being sulky, which I would assume is out of character, then wonder why your girlfriend is put off sex, and asking whether you are okay. She can obviously sense something is up with you.

Specifically about the sex, well so what if it's the first time? There has to be a first time for everything. And you go sulky and being miserable (aka you have a tantrum). Well, how would you feel if she had continued while not wanting to do it? She is right, surely being honest is better? Apparently not...

She probably went off on you about not going to the football because chances are it was a semi-guilt trip, sort of, "Oh it's ok, you go alone", while looking like a sad puppy, hoping she'd turn around and go, "Aww no I'll stay home with you", and she snapped at it.

She's opening up, being herself, which has resulted in more banter, and you've told her it's draining? Wow, I am gobsmacked. That banter is obviously part of HER personality. If you think it's draining and refer to banter as '!!!!ing about', I'd say you need to find someone else, as this is her opening up and feeling more comfortable around you.

As about getting drunk and speaking fondly of the ex, I'm sure there are lots of relationships that end well. Just because they end well doesn't mean they're NOT over and she still has feelings for him. I'd bet a fiver that you pushed her into talking about him.

She must be bloody miserable and is texting the ex to find someone to vent on about her sulky, mopy BF who gets upset about the daftest of things and she's constantly having to coddle and comfort over text messages.

I'd bet another fiver that she hasn't text all morning because she can't be bothered jumping into coddle mode and trying to comfort you over absolutely ridiculous things.

Thank you for being honest and taking the time to write your response, it's what I need.

In my defence I'm not being sulky all the time and yes I did bring up the conversation regarding her ex I'm going to try and be a better person and apologise for my behaviour. She hasn't text me all morning but I will text her now and be breezy

hgotsparkle

Just remind yourself that its all in your head, shrug off anything and enjoy the time spent with her.

candygirl

If it's feeling kind of wrong so early on, then it probably is in my experience.Go with your gut instinct;)

FBaby

For many 'emotionally intense' people, the time in between realising you are madly in love with the person, yet not at the official commitment stage, can be a bit frightening. It is quite natural but you do need to be careful you don't sabotage it all because of your feelings, which is very much what you could be starting to do. Sulking because of one bad time in bed, analysing everything that is said or done (or not said or done), waiting for signs of commitment, all this can be draining for the other partner who doesn't experience these intense feelings.

All you can do is take it one day -or week- at a time. You can't control the relationship, it will grow towards commitment naturally, or it will faze out. If it is meant to go towards commitment, don't go ruining it. If it isn't meant to be, well, it will hurt no matter what, but at least you would be better looking back at it remembering all the good moments rather than recounting that most of the time, you were too anxious to really appreciate it.

paulineb_2

You aren't suffering from paranoia. Paranoia is a mental health condition where sufferers can't distinguish their hallucinations from reality. Similar to schizophrenia. I had a relative who suffered. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

We all have baggage. I'm not a jealous person. I've had numerous bad relationships but I realise, you can't erase someone's past. It's a good thing your ex remains friends with exes. Not bad.

I agree with the poster who said your behaviour will kill the relationship.

If you can't handle things the way they are, get some counselling. All the I love yous in the world won't make up for having a jealous insecure partner.

Get some help if need be. And being breezy won't sort things unless you get a handle on your feelings and learn how to control them.

If you can't you risk killing every future relationship stone dead.

Pippin12

I'm slightly perturbed that you say you find her banter 'draining'. This is emerging as she gets more relaxed with you and able to show her true personality - it is also a great sign of affection and security. It seems you think it 'childish' as you refer to her age when describing this. Being blunt you sound a bit too intense if you can't appreciate her humour and affection being expressed like this.

Errata

welshgirl31 wrote: »

In my defence I'm not being sulky all the time

You shouldn't be sulking at all, it's aggressive. Grow up.

paulineb_2

Its ok for you to be mates with exes. But not her. Its ok for you to have exes to stay, but she cant talk about her exes fondly

Im not surprised she doesnt want to sleep with you. I wouldnt either under this pressure, nothing like killing your sex life stone dead.

And shes to suffer because you've been upset in the past, but so has she, yet you are making her life miserable.

If I were your gf, you'd have a very short timescale to sort your issues out then it would be over. And Im sure then youd be sitting upset because someone else has hurt you.

But Im sure you would know it would be your own fault. A 32 year old in a sulk, I wouldnt put up with that, who wants to be with an adult in the huff, its ridiculous.

paulineb_2

Your words, previously you have been paranoid about other people in her life and her other ex.

Is there anyone in her life you dont feel insecure around? You havent even met this ex.

Imagine your gf was someone who was nasty about every ex they had, would that make you feel better.

Tell you something, alarm bells are ringing, because when you have issues with just about everyone in someones life who is close to you, that smacks of controlling.

You cant control what she did before she met you. You shouldnt even try to.

If I were her, unless you get some counselling and change fast, Id be running for the hills and not looking back.

Racheldevon

You mention how you imagine you would be the same in any relationship - frankly if you really want to explore why this is a pattern for you in relationships, I would honestly seek some counselling.

Most towns have low cost counselling and therapy centres, that you don't have to be on benefits to access, and payments are usually on a sliding scale from £5 upwards. This way the sessions are not time limited, and you usually get a wider range of therapeutic orientations.

If you really want to explore and understand why you react the way that you do, and develop strategies and ways in which you can feel differently then you owe it to yourself and your current or future relationships to have the courage to look at this in more details