Crippled with paranoia, insecurities and jealousy.

welshgirl31

Before I start I will give you a little background - sorry if this is a little long winded.

I started dating my girlfriend 6 months ago, everything has been wonderful. The first 3 or 4 months were amazing and almost too good to be true. We said the "I love you's" pretty early on (after a month) and spent lots of time together.

Before this relationship I had been single for about a year, before that was a 3 month relationship and before that I was single for about 4 years.

The last relationship really took away the remaining crumbs of trust that I have, she got back with an ex just as I was developing strong feelings. I sensed it coming and I was hurt very much.

My new partner has been cheated on, never cheated and has always been open about past lovers. In fact she is still friends with one of her exes from when she was ages between 16 and 21. She said it was a silly relationship, lots of miles between them and it all fizzled out but her ex did break her heart.

They haven't been together for over 5 years but I have a terrible terrible insecurity which has just developed (previously I have been paranoid about other people in her life, this is a new one because she talks about her more often). I know deep down there is nothing going on, my partner is always talking about our furture and planning trips and weekends away. She recently asked to spend christmas and new year with me and is talking about a summer holiday next year. She has always said she despises cheats and would never give anyone a second chance. So why am I paranoid?

Here are my reasons (don't be hard on me, I know I am probably being ridiculous)

* We sat together and got drunk lately, she spoke fondly of her ex and it doesn't sound like there was a specific reason for it ending apart from distance (which isn't that far)

* My gf came to my house last weekend and we were having a few beers, we ran cold of conversation. We were literally stuck for things to say. She put it down to being tired and was trying to justify things, she asked "we are ok aren't we??"

* She has been texting this friend a lot lately (friend being her ex, although this could be because her best friend has returned to the armed forces)

* Her ex asked her to go and watch her play football yesterday, initially she asked me and said she wanted to show me off, when I politely declined saying she should catch up with her on her own, she got annoyed because I have only met on of her friends and she has met a lot of mine. She then said its fine and that we had made plans anyway so she declined her exes (friends)offer.

* We watched a film and went shopping then began having sex, she stopped me after a few minutes saying "it wasn't happenin". This has never happened before I don't think. When I went sulky she said she thought I would appreciate her being honest rather than faking enjoyment.

* I continued being sulky, I felt intense paranoia, I was upset and confused. She text me as soon as she got home saying she hopes I was ok, I told her what was wrong and she reiterated that what happened had nothing to do with what I was doing, she was equally frustrated because she was "up for it".

* I find that the more I am getting to know my gf, the more "banter" she is introducing into the relationship, this is sometimes draining which I have told her, she admits she can be a little like Jekyl and Hyde and apologises and is loving for a few hours then returns to p!ssing about. She is 6 years younger than me, she being 26.

I have always been the type of person to fall in lve quickly and lose control of my feelings and I just can't do this anymore. I should be enjoying my girlfriend, not accusing or worrying.

for the record I have not accused her of anything, nor have I approached her about this. I simply said I was being over sensitive to which she just replied via whats app "xx"

I'm confused. Could it be she is thinking of getting back with ex and is thinking about her, hence the bedroom situation?

I have also been paranoid about her other ex.

How can I control these feelings of insecurity?

Sorry about this vague post, I just need to rant. She hasn't text all morning, she usually has lots of times by now, of course I wont text her because I don't want to annoy her

hgotsparkle

If you're constantly worried about if the relationship is working, whats the point?If you were truly happy in this relationship, and she was too then you both wouldn't be checking that the relationship is ok.
If theres no trust, theres nothing.
Yes, I get insecure sometimes, things like worrying if I'm prettier than his ex, and if he loves me more deeply than he did her but I trust him and would never question if he was thinking about someone else.
If you don't trust her, then you're not going to be happy.

welshgirl31

hgotsparkle wrote: »

If you're constantly worried about if the relationship is working, whats the point?If you were truly happy in this relationship, and she was too then you both wouldn't be checking that the relationship is ok.
If theres no trust, theres nothing.
Yes, I get insecure sometimes, things like worrying if I'm prettier than his ex, and if he loves me more deeply than he did her but I trust him and would never question if he was thinking about someone else.
If you don't trust her, then you're not going to be happy.

That sentence would be true if she had given me reason not to trust her, my doubts have arisen from my own paranoia. I will probably be like this with every partner I get which is frustrating.

Just wish I could be more trusting

hgotsparkle

welshgirl31 wrote: »

That sentence would be true if she had given me reason not to trust her, my doubts have arisen from my own paranoia. I will probably be like this with every partner I get which is frustrating.

Just wish I could be more trusting

Does it bother you that she remains friends with an ex?

whitewing

All relationships have their niggles. My husband makes me a better person, always has done. We do have occasional arguments.

It doesn't sound to me like you two bring out the best in each other.

welshgirl31

hgotsparkle wrote: »

Does it bother you that she remains friends with an ex?

It does a little, not until she recently started chatting to her more. I am being completely selfish as I am friends with 2 of my exes and have one coming to stay with me from London in a few weeks. I know, I'm a hypocrite. But again I would like to stress that I haven't brought this paranoia up with her.

We rarely argue and generally get on great, well up until the last few weeks where the summer has ended, we did so much over the summer that now we are just stuck in all the time.

Alikay

welshgirl31 wrote: »

How can I control these feelings of insecurity?

You probably can't, but you can control whether or not you display them.

It's pretty exhausting to have a needy, insecure partner, and the sulks when she rejects your advances in the bedroom won't have done you any favours. She may not want the responsibility for your happiness, so I'd be inclined to relax and stop overthinking the relationship.

hgotsparkle

welshgirl31 wrote: »

We rarely argue and generally get on great, well up until the last few weeks where the summer has ended, we did so much over the summer that now we are just stuck in all the time.

But just because its winter shouldn't be a reason for things to die down for you. If anything I prefer winter with OH because we have warm nights in with plenty of dvds, takeaways and cuddling.

If it does bother you that she has started socialising with her ex, how do you know shes not thinking the same about you and your ex coming to stay?

welshgirl31

I know, she's met my ex and they get on well. I haven't even asked her how she feels. Me and ex fall out all the time and gf is constantly telling me to make up with her.

I just have a constant knotting sick feeling in my stomach. We were looking forward to the winter having snuggly nights in and it has been nice. I don't know, I just don't know but I'm exhausted

hgotsparkle

welshgirl31 wrote: »

I know, she's met my ex and they get on well. I haven't even asked her how she feels. Me and ex fall out all the time and gf is constantly telling me to make up with her.

I just have a constant knotting sick feeling in my stomach. We were looking forward to the winter having snuggly nights in and it has been nice. I don't know, I just don't know but I'm exhausted

If its exhausting you, then you either need to not think into it, if you want to be with her, or figure out if the relationship is worth it.


Ask her how she honestly feels about your ex coming to stay and it might open up a chat between you, and make you feel more at ease.

aileth

Going to be blunt here.

Sorry, but you sound like the one who is destroying the relationship here. You admit to being sulky, which I would assume is out of character, then wonder why your girlfriend is put off sex, and asking whether you are okay. She can obviously sense something is up with you.

Specifically about the sex, well so what if it's the first time? There has to be a first time for everything. And you go sulky and being miserable (aka you have a tantrum). Well, how would you feel if she had continued while not wanting to do it? She is right, surely being honest is better? Apparently not...

She probably went off on you about not going to the football because chances are it was a semi-guilt trip, sort of, "Oh it's ok, you go alone", while looking like a sad puppy, hoping she'd turn around and go, "Aww no I'll stay home with you", and she snapped at it.

She's opening up, being herself, which has resulted in more banter, and you've told her it's draining? Wow, I am gobsmacked. That banter is obviously part of HER personality. If you think it's draining and refer to banter as '!!!!ing about', I'd say you need to find someone else, as this is her opening up and feeling more comfortable around you.

As about getting drunk and speaking fondly of the ex, I'm sure there are lots of relationships that end well. Just because they end well doesn't mean they're NOT over and she still has feelings for him. I'd bet a fiver that you pushed her into talking about him.

She must be bloody miserable and is texting the ex to find someone to vent on about her sulky, mopy BF who gets upset about the daftest of things and she's constantly having to coddle and comfort over text messages.

I'd bet another fiver that she hasn't text all morning because she can't be bothered jumping into coddle mode and trying to comfort you over absolutely ridiculous things.