Lost! I think I need Help

skintbuthappy81

You sound so much like me, for years my mood was very up and down but I always had a smile on my face even though I felt like death inside. In January this year I dealt with a very bad incident at work (as a Police Officer) this hit me hard and when alone I would cry uncontrollably whilst ripping my hair out (my form of self harm... I would never cut myself. Again, like you I didn't and still don't want to be here but I would never commit suicide.

Anyway back in Jan I went to the dr and broke down in front of him (I don't usually cry in front of anyone) he immediately made me an appointment with the mental health team which was the hardest thing I have ever done. They said I had anxiety and depression so I went back to the Drs for medication.

I had 4 months off work, have tried 2 different types of medication, had EMDR therapy and I still feel the same. I have now just changed my medication again for the third time and am awaiting Cognitive Behaviour therapy. Along with counselling for the past 10 months.

I still get very down but I've found talking about it helps and you will be surprised how many people are feeling the same as you and you will no longer feel alone.

xx

Mojisola

nowheretoturn wrote: »

I know I'm not normal and the feelings I am having are wrong but I don't want to be labelled as an attention seeker or worse, a liar.

I can not carry on acting as if everything is all right, but I'm scared no one will believe how utterly distraught I feel - I mean I can't be that bad if noone suspects anything is wrong?!?

skintbuthappy81 wrote: »

You sound so much like me, for years my mood was very up and down but I always had a smile on my face even though I felt like death inside.

I still get very down but I've found talking about it helps and you will be surprised how many people are feeling the same as you and you will no longer feel alone.

This is good advice from skintbuthappy.

Nowheretoturn, how many of those people that you look at and think are leading a happy life are feeling just like you but are also covering it up? It's all too normal to go through times like this at some stage in our lives.

You will get support but you need to let people know how you feel!

LouLou

busiscoming2 wrote: »

I agree with phoning the Samaritans and just talking anonymously to them. It may give you the strength (if that's the right word) to then speak to your GP.

How long have you felt like this? Do you have any idea where the paranoia (people judging you) stems from?

Not pointing the finger exactly, but it might be overstepping the mark, even hurtful, towards the OP using the word "paranoia".* It suggests she's being judged, by you, and that her worries about being friendless/not liked by others are all in her head. There's no way any of us can know this from words on a screen. Just saying and no offence meant, but when someone is very low words have to be chosen carefully.

We're all the products of our experiences in life, and I can only speak with certainty about myself. I was bullied very badly as a child, my (neglectful) mother had bullying/alcoholic partner who alternately ignored and bullied us, have had abusive friends who undermined me even more, boyfriends. Until, from somewhere, I managed to pull my emotional socks up and bin them!

However, the echoes of the past remain. I am still self conscious and shy amongst strangers, because years of being on guard, waiting for others to attack, is inbuilt in me. I can't stand loneliness because I feel I've had more than my fair share in life, and this has (if I'm being brutally honest, looking back) affected some of my life choices and relationships.

I still have periods of very bad depression where I can't even look at the TV. I don't want to go outside, nothing in life gives me joy. It's very frightening but it has no logic, or even any pattern...I wouldn't wish these episodes on anyone.

However, there IS help out there, and please don't suffer alone. Getting to the root of your feelings and anxieties doesn't magic them away, but it does help lessen their sting. You will smile again, and life will be sunnier for you, I promise. You will have people around you who understand and encourage, rather than try to pull you down.

Sending you loving thoughts. x

PS: I'm only giving you a glimpse into my life/head so that you know it's not just you. But please don't leave these feelings unchecked, thinking they'll go away: please share with someone you trust.

*Re-reading the first post, the OP used the word " 'paranoia' towards strangers", so I could be wrong here myself! But I'm tempted to think this is learned behaviour, from experience. Obviously more irrational thinking isn't something I can comment or offer advice on.

top_drawer_2

Hello

**Hugs ** feeling like you are is very tiring and that can make things feel not worth doing. Much of what you are describing sounds anxiety related which is slightly different than depression (although just as debilitating) in that its looking forward to the future. Once you get diagnosed the worst bit is over really, things get better from there as you start addressing the issues. If you are able to afford it then have a look at getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, you'll pay around £40 + upwards for an hours session but they are very focused so an average person only needs 10-12 sessions. Have a look on the register to find an accredited one. Otherwise the NHS is very keen on this type of therapy so if you do go to your dr then he can probably refer you. I'm told that CBT with a Mindfulness focus is particularly effective.

Also have a look on these websites, all have been INVALUABLE to me over the last months / years.

http://www.actionforhappiness.org/take-action/bring-mindfulness-into-your-day

http://www.llttf.com/

This saved my life in many ways as I could finally get a reasonable nights sleep although I also enjoy playing with the sounds too which in itself is very relaxing!

http://soundsleeping.com/index.php

Hugs again
TD

Yorkie1

I was also recommended www.moodgym.au by the doctor the other day.

sooty&sweep

Hi

I recently went to the Drs & I'm currently on medication for anxiety & I'm waiting for counselling & CBT.
It was hard & it took me a long time to go as I felt I was being daft & needed to just pull myself together.
However I think the biggest thing that is helping me is that I've done something positive to help myself & take control of the situation rather than it controling me.

Jen

[Deleted User]

nowheretoturn wrote: »

Hi

Apologies for registering under a new name, my other name is quite specific to me and I am already too ashamed of how I feel without the worry that someone will realise this is me.

Long story... cut short

I don't feel suicidal but I wouldn't mind not being here anymore. I know that sounds dramatic but I'm tired of pretending that I am ok. Now don't get me wrong I am coping with day to day things, my kids are well looked after, the house is ok but I'm not - I'm really hurting inside, I think I'm going mad.

I think EVERYONE hates me, I have NO friends. I'm paranoid that strangers are judging me.

I am just tired of feeling like this - everything is such a struggle. I hate work, I get no support there and find it really demanding.

I know I should go to the doctor but I don't know what to say. I nearly plucked up the courage this week but I had to take my daughter to see him and now I think the doctor won't take me seriously because I acted all right when I was with her.

I literally can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling and I feel so close to the edge of reality that I'm living someone else's life looking in. I really feel like I wouldn't mind not being here, but I know without a doubt at the moment that I wouldn't take my own life.

Help! Where should I turn for help? I know I'm not normal and the feelings I am having are wrong but I don't want to be labelled as an attention seeker or worse, a liar.

I can not carry on acting as if everything is all right, but I'm scared no one will believe how utterly distraught I feel - I mean I can't be that bad if noone suspects anything is wrong?!?

Thanks for reading

N

I read your post and it made me want to log in so I could reply.

I haven't read the rest of the replies yet, but I wanted to say I can also identify with how your feeling, you are not alone. I have felt similarly this week, just existing and couldn't care less if I was here or not. But at the same time presently a very different view to the outside world - for appearances. I look normal, I certainly don't feel it.

I certainly know how you feel about not wanting to be viewed as an attention seeker or liar. That is also why i have never said anything too.

I will go and read the rest of the replies, but big big hugs to you.

thehappybutterfly

Ah, paranoia - how I loathe thee! I can completely empathise with you Nowhere. I am convinced, no scratch that, I KNOW people are staring at me in the street, in the supermarket etc. People say "you're being paranoid" but that all that does is belittle your feelings and judgement. How can a stranger or a friend or a gp for that matter, possibly say "oh i think you're imagining things". Maybe people are really staring at us. And who knows why. My automatic thought is because "im ugly" but I know my features are not so bold as to attract attention from strangers - its not like I have a facial deformity, so it cant be that. However, because Im looking for those stares, I look at everyone who walks past me so maybe they're thinking Im staring at them! When you're feeling low and negative, you will look for and bloody well find confirmation that its not in your imagination.

Please go and speak to your gp - i can promise you that you wont be wasting their time. Mums are particularly good at putting on a brave face when you feel like you're going crazy inside. Some time off work would also help you. Hopefully you get full sick pay? Get to your gp, get started on some antidepressants and sign off work for a couple of months. You'll feel much better. Good luck love and remember, you're not alone!

kat360

Please don't feel like a bad parent because of this. I have suffered with depression in the past and the biggest thing that stopped me from going to the gp was that they would think that I was a bad parent.:o

I can only say please get some help, go to the doctors, email Samaritans, etc. The first step was posting on here, I hope the support you receive gives you the encouragement to seek help. **hugs**

jojo-baby

nowheretoturn.
i could have written your post!
for sure you are not alone!

im pretty much at the same stage as you, i have found one person at work who also struggles and although i havent managed to talk to him about anything. he knows i am struggling, and it was a relief to me, that someone knew, even if i cant actually talk about it.

so i think you (and maybe me) should try and speak to someone, i do find writing things easier than speaking. maybe an email to samaritans, you could copy what you wrote here.

im not going to be a hypocrit and say dont struggle alone, but just know you are not the only one with these feelings..

Jo