Past abusive BF - 10 years ago.

74jax

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3338242

I posted this a few years ago (maybe relevant to what i'm going to post now so thought I'd reference it).

Last night my husband said something to me which flooded all my memories back, to the point I spent the night on the sofa as I couldn't shake the feeling in my body of how I felt so many years ago. Surely this isn't normal? 10 years later?

Even this morning, OH has gone out and I could just curl up and cry, yet over nothing really as my ex hasn't featured in my life for almost a decade.

How does just one sentence trigger a pit in your stomach feeling? Can you change it?

I was awake for most of the night, am now extremely tired, have a stonking headache and am supposed to meeting a friend this afternoon and going to another friend's wedding tonight yet I just want a duvet day - which in my head means my ex has 'won' again. And then I think fgs he hasn't 'won' anything as it's just in my head.

I think tooooo much......

Funky_Bold_Ribena

That just shows how deep the abuse goes.

Every now and then I get the same thing; but it's about my father not an ex.

It's part of the fabric of survival.

Shower, coffee, nice clean bright clothes and go out and have some fun. It's what he wouldn't have wanted. So go do it.

ValHaller

Whatever your husband said was obviously a trigger for a defence reaction. Without knowing the situation, what was said and whether it was said with meaning that justifies you being back where you were, it is hard to say any more.

Perhaps a bit of Cognitive Behavioural counselling for yourself so you understand it followed by a joint session or 2 with him if there really is something he is not getting. Certainly, if OH does not mean what you have a defensive reaction about, you need to desensitize and perhaps he needs to know the triggers so that he does not go there?

whitewing

I know it feels terrible but maybe your head/body are recognising that you are safe now in your life and you can begin to deal with some of it rather than be in survival mode all the time. Maybe speak to Women's Aid (if they aren't too busy dealing with people in immediate danger) to get a perspective on this will the exact situation.

Alternatively, is your husband now feeling threatening? I hope not as you said your reaction is all in your head.

Go and meet friends and go to the wedding. You can always come back early. Fake it 'til you make it. Go and have a lovely time.

74jax

Husband doesn't really know what went on. He knows 'bits' but its not something I would ever discuss with him. I have complete sutters up over it with him.

Friends know and my brother. He doesn't even know he said anything wrong, just I couldn't sleep and slept on sofa.

Its more how it made me 'feel' all those feelings of terror again, yet it was a relatively simple conversation, he just said a certain sentence.

joansgirl

Yes, I've been there, done that and worn the t-shirt too. Even something said in jest can start you off and before you know it you're back there and all the things you thought were dead and buried come back to haunt you - AGAIN!

My second husband would sometimes say or do something that reminded me but I never felt able or willing to go into too many details with him as I wanted him to see me as I was then, not how I used to be. There is a stigma attached to being an abused person and you don't ever shake it completely.

You have to learn to recognise the signs (as you have) and deal with it. One night on the sofa is not a terrible thing as long as it doesn't become a habit. If it's something he does regularly then you need to ask him not to do it and explain why it upsets you. My second husband had a habit of doing a specific "something" and eventually I asked him to stop. When I briefly explained "It reminds me of 'him'" he was mortified and so apologetic and he never did it again.

For now, you need to think positively about how much your life has improved and try not to brood. Go out with your friends and enjoy yourself. These ghosts are all in the past, don't let them destroy your present or future.

Tiddlywinks

74jax wrote: »

Husband doesn't really know what went on. He knows 'bits' but its not something I would ever discuss with him. I have complete sutters up over it with him.

Friends know and my brother. He doesn't even know he said anything wrong, just I couldn't sleep and slept on sofa.

Its more how it made me 'feel' all those feelings of terror again, yet it was a relatively simple conversation, he just said a certain sentence.

Why do you feel you can't talk to your husband about it?

What did your husband say that brought the past back to life?

Mojisola

It's a shame that you don't feel able to share what happened with your OH.

I have a friend who married a man who had come out of an abusive relationship. She knew his ex and understood what had happened between them so when she said something "normal" and saw him flinch, she was able to immediately say "I'm not her - that doesn't mean what it meant when she said it" and could stop his feelings escalating.

The emotional reaction to triggers isn't rational - it's a deep visceral reaction that is hard to control. CBT might help - certainly worth trying.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

74jax wrote: »

Husband doesn't really know what went on. He knows 'bits' but its not something I would ever discuss with him. I have complete sutters up over it with him.

Friends know and my brother. He doesn't even know he said anything wrong, just I couldn't sleep and slept on sofa.

Its more how it made me 'feel' all those feelings of terror again, yet it was a relatively simple conversation, he just said a certain sentence.

I was caught out by a scene in a play recently. Went with the Lovely Fella because it was one of our friends who produced it. Had no real idea of what the play was about; no indication of anything 'difficult' in the blurb.

It wasn't a great play and I had sat there thinking it had been written by somebody with limited actual knowledge of the subject matter of the play. And then the pentultimate scene started in darkness. The sound of a slap, a scream - and I was right back in the middle of it.

The rest of the scene had the typical quiet quiet SHOUTING SHOUTING and the phrases and movements were spot on. Thinking about it now, and knowing the guys in it - I realise that the actor playing the abuser had to have grown up in that environment. There's no way the dialogue and actions were written by the same person who wrote the rest of the play.

The instant the curtain went down, I legged it outside and wouldn't come back in. He came and found me. My hands were shaking too much to be able to hold a rizla and filter, much less roll a cigarette. He sat beside me silently, rolling cigarettes for me as I chain smoked for the next half hour.


Over the rest of the evening, I got progressively more drunk until, at about 3.30am, I was huddled up on the sofa telling the lovely bloke about some of the things that had happened. And he listened.
Later the following day, he took my arm and showed me that I had absolutely shredded it with my nails - he'd realised as that scene started that something was very, very wrong, but felt he couldn't reach out because it might make things worse for me.

I haven't told him everything yet. But he's heard a bit more recently. He won't ever ask, he says it's my decision what I tell him and when.



So, yes, it is still perfectly normal for something to trigger memories and flashbacks. And it's ok to tell your DH that you need to explain/share something with him about that time.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

A lot of victims of DV suffer for years with undiagnosied Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome - sadly, this doesn't go away without a diagnosis and years of therapy.

Mojisola

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

So, yes, it is still perfectly normal for something to trigger memories and flashbacks. And it's ok to tell your DH that you need to explain/share something with him about that time.

And even if you can't bring yourself to tell him details, at least let him know that you have got trauma in your past and that if this happens again you're not reacting to him but to memories that have been triggered.

Right up into his 90s my wonderful Dad had weeks of nightmares at a particular time of year because of experiences he had during WW2. The effects of trauma aren't rational but you will be able to reduce the impact on you if you're able to find a therapy that works for you.