Do you ever stop 'remembering' about an abusive ex?

74jax

Around 7 years ago I was coming to the end of a very abusive relationship. Ended in a court case and a 3 year restraining order, it was a horrendous time and very very emotional.

Fast forward 7 years and I'm now with a wonderful guy, we're recently engaged and I couldn't be happier with my life.

However...... we are around the time of the courtcase 6 years ago, why do I remember this? I still sometimes do double takes when I see someone who looks a little like him. I occasionally still get 'spooked' by certain things and don't like watching films or tv regarding adbusive behaviour/rape/violence.

7 years on shouldn't this be behind me now? Don't get me wrong it is by no means every day, not even every week, but why would I look at the date on my office phone and remember putting together my statements and even travelling in the car to court (even what I was wearing?!?) and wondering if this time he would actually show up in court again?

The mind is a strange thing I guess, but just wondered if this was 'normal' so many years later.

Counting_Pennies_2

Have you had counselling to help you through this?

It is natural that dates will remind you of good and bad things that will happen in our lives.

Take care of yourself

74jax

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

Have you had counselling to help you through this?

It is natural that dates will remind you of good and bad things that will happen in our lives.

Take care of yourself

I did have counselling at the time but nothing in the last 6 years.

I don't really worry about it and it doesn't affect me day to day. I don't have difficulty sleeping or anything like that, just silly things will happen and I'll think of what happened.

I could go for months and then be driving along and get that feeling in the pit of my stomach and it might just be someone who looked like him, or sounded like him.

I just wondered if that ever goes away.

pigpen

It is any different to a victim of child abuse being affected by it in adulthood?

So long as you don't let these thoughts take over your life and you can live a normal life I don't think it is wrong at all.

I still have panics about the 2 occasions I ended up with PTSD, I have to force myself to stop thinking about it sometimes by telling myself 'stop it!!' .. I think it is normal.

If you think it is becoming more often or is starting to effect your everyday life then it may be a problems and you could think about counselling or something.

Peanuckle

In my experience you still get the odd flashback years later but they do get less with time

pupsicola

It is very normal. I go through the same kind of thing too. Sending you big (((hugs)))

ALI1973

Having been through something similar to you, I don't think you ever really forget.

I left my abusive ex in 1996, and I still have things that put me on edge. I personally cannot watch the film Sleeping with the Enemy. I also get "spooked" if my DH shouts unexpectedly, or moves suddenly when we are having an argument.

That said, I know now, that rationally, I have nothing to fear, but I know that I would never allow myself to be in that situation again and think that maybe this is my way of "reminding" myself of that? does that make any sense?

I am sorry that is probably not what you wanted to hear, but all that said it does not "affect" me as such.

Best wishes
Ali

Absolutely

Hopefully it will lessen with time but I don't think, even with counselling, that these experiences can ever be totally forgotten.

I still "jump" everytime my kids creep up on me.

I've had counselling.

It HAS got better. I'm not as bad as I used to be but I still physically shake whenever I have to hand my kids over to their dad (which isn't often). He has the ability to reduce me to a quivering wreck, even after 3 years apart.

You sound like you know what to do, I wish you luck. x

74jax

ALI1973 wrote: »

Having been through something similar to you, I don't think you ever really forget.

I left my abusive ex in 1996, and I still have things that put me on edge. I personally cannot watch the film Sleeping with the Enemy. I also get "spooked" if my DH shouts unexpectedly, or moves suddenly when we are having an argument.

That said, I know now, that rationally, I have nothing to fear, but I know that I would never allow myself to be in that situation again and think that maybe this is my way of "reminding" myself of that? does that make any sense?

I am sorry that is probably not what you wanted to hear, but all that said it does not "affect" me as such.

Best wishes
Ali

No, that's ok. I feel very similar to what you have wrote.

My OH once slammed a door and I totally got spooked, have to say he's never done it again as I really didn't like it and he didn't realise something like would have that affect on me.

I guess it is just normal, and probably just on my mind as it's July and 6 years since the court case. Roll on August :j

Hard_up,_not_happy

The extent of your memories of dates/what happened/what you were wearing etc shows the sheer gravity of what this individual put you through.

A friend of mine was haunted by 'dates', after leaving a very abusive relationship. She wouldn't think about them for weeks in advance etc. Would just wake up and remember and be completely flawed. It use to upset her greatly.

One day she decided that when this happened she would do something nice that day. Create a new memory for that date. 10 years down the line and things are easing for her.

skint_chick

I was in the same situation as you 5years ago and I'm the same, certain things remind me vividly of him but I try really hard to immediately distract myself by thinking of other nicer things and remembering why I'm SO much better off without him. It would be nice to be able to completely forget but I try and think of it as a reminder of how far I've come like ALI1973. Maybe next time your mind goes to evil ex try and straight away think about your lovely OH and how great he is

Congratulations on moving forward and finding happiness:T