Do you ever stop 'remembering' about an abusive ex?

MessyMare

Occasionally I will get a memory so strong I can feel it, and it will make my skin crawl. I don't like arguments, and I think OH doesn't like how submissive I become when he's in a bad mood. I shouldn't, but it became my survival instinct for so long, I can't automatically stop. It will get less and less though...a couple of years ago it was a daily occurence for me...now only once every few months.

Pee

A friend who was abused as a child told me that every seven years every cell in your body is renewed so seven years after the abuse he took the view that it didn't happen to the him now, it happened to the him then. I thought this was a great way of looking at it, although I'm not saying he was totally together about it, more that that was how he felt on a good day.

I find with my ex that sometimes my current boyfriend does something completely unlike something my ex would do and I think about how bad that time was. I think it's just normal to reflect sometimes, but if it is bothering you, counselling is a good idea.

paddy's_mum

Yes, it is utterly, believably, totally, substantiatedly, humanly normal!

Because you loved him from the bottom of your heart and because he forced you (via the court case) to have even more reason to remember days and dates, outcomes and tears.

Did he give you much happiness? Do you believe him to be happier now, with another person? Who do you think now has the better life?

I'd bet money that he most often appears to you in dreams.

Let him go, this fantasy from the past that, if you let it, will destroy your future. You're with a decent man. Love him, hold him, thank God for him, be thankful that you are no longer at risk.

Been there, done that ... and my family would have given thousands upon thousands of pounds if they could only have made me see what I eventually, painfully, tragically, came to realise.

A tip - find and go back through the court papers. Read and digest them. They may act as a salutary reminder about all that went on(memory blocks out so much) and at the end of it, you will know why you fought so hard and painfully to get free of this shi**ster ( a euphemism, by the way)!

Sweetheart, you're absolutely normal. Like many of us, you've just been made a victim but you can come out the other side. I'm rooting for you! Good luck.,

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Yes, it's perfectly normal.

I still tense up if I hear someone use the same turn of phrase as he did. I still duck instinctively if something comes towards me from just above my head and out of my blind spot (these days it's a bloke called Brian's headstock, so it serves its purpose in that I don't get offstage with a big Fender shaped imprint in my face ). I can bat a kid's football away from my face without even consciously seeing it coming and spot a predatory bloke on the bus or in the street and take evasive action before he has even noticed my existence.

I am not scared - but I still remember those things and use them to my advantage.


You dealt with his !!!!. You took it and decided you weren't going to be a victim anymore. You took control back from him and became the stronger person - even with his fists and his words, he could not overcome your spirit, your knowledge that you were worth more than this existence.

Instead of a victim, you became a survivor. Then it became something that happened in the past, not what defines you now.


It will grow less important in your mind over time. The lessons it taught you won't go, but the actual reality of it pales, like an old photo in an album.



If it gets very intense for you, stop and look at yourself in the mirror, properly. The eyes that look back at you saw terrible things, the body reflected in the was injured, but healed itself as best at it could. The person in those eyes thought they were weak, useless, stupid, deserving of bad treatment, thought they had no hope and the rest of their life would always be like this - and then they looked across a courtroom and made sure that they would never be treated in that same way ever again.


You are doing great. And I applaud you.

sparrer

My abusive marriage lasted 8 years, I left in 1975 when my toddler woke one evening and came to sit on my lap. We were just chatting and I hadn't realised Bouquet of Barbed Wire was on the television. LO asked why daddies are allowed to smack mummies and make them cry...it shook me out of my misery, i wasn't going to have my daughter believe that was her future too, and we were in Chiswick Womens Aid within 3 hours.

Fortunately I've forgotten much of that time, the mind has the power to lock out a lot of bad experiences, but just occasionally something will trigger memories - seeing someone with facial hair, or a particular style of jeans, or when they replayed Bouquet of Barbed Wire recently (no, I didn't watch it) etc.

It never goes away but it's not there constantly any more. As paddy's mum said, perhaps read back over your statement. I only had to do it once and all I thought was 'poor cow, having to put up with that'. It was as though I was reading about someone else - I was, in fact, she certainly wasn't the person I am today.

You're not the person you were back then either. You're healing and it's only natural for the scars to itch now and then. All itches have an antidote, in your case it's looking at your lovely fiance and thinking of all you have today. Congratulations on your engagement, wishing you both a bright and happy future

icelandic_queen

I fled an abusive husband and yes certain things do make me remember. I've had counselling from a fantastic lady and she re-enforced the idea of every bad memory or flashback, replace it with one good one that has happened since I managed to get away. You are perfectly normal but as others have said they may not go away completely, you learn to deal with them and they become less scary. Good luck and take care.X

Jackie47

Hi

I'm nearly 25 years down the line from a (mentally) abusive marriage. It does get better with time but I still get memories coming back to bite me if I see someone in the street who looks like him or I'm around drunks (most of his more abusive behaviour was alcohol induced)...I don't tolerate drink/ers very well even now.

He died 8 years ago from his drug/drink problems aged 43 so I know his actions can't hurt me or anyone ever again but it doesn't stop it altogether.

Thinking of you xx

Dontknowanymore

I'm only 18 months out, but I don't really think about the abuse side of it much if I'm being honest.
I've not seen him for all this time except for when we go to court for him to get a contact order.
I sometimes think that maybe I over reacted to the situation, maybe it wasn't as bad as I made out, maybe I was just as bad etc etc because I am not scared of him.
To be honest, the mental/emotional/physical abuse dished out by my father was what has really shaped me as a person, a person that I often hate.
I just think my ex is a complete tool and a coward, I think having him arrested for something totally unrelated to abuse made me realise how much of a coward he is as as soon as I called them he ran off!

aliasojo

I think all our experiences shape us to a certain degree. The bad ones we can learn to deal with and try to stop them affecting us but I don't think you can ever act in the carefree way you would have, if they had never happened.

I have a hang up about music and enclosed spaces. An ex used to get drunk and have the stereo blaring all through the night. Any attempts to get him to turn it off or down were met with abuse. I spent a long time (too long!) living on an hour's sleep a night.

20 odd years later, I still can't relax if someone puts on music in an enclosed space I can't get away from. I'm ok in the house because I can just go into another room, so whilst I feel uptight about it, I can still be rational and deal with it.

However if someone puts on a car stereo, then I immediately feel really angry because I'm trapped and I cant get away from it. I try very very hard to keep it together but in my head, I'm ripping out the stereo and battering them around the head with it.

I know all the theory behind the feelings, it's clear why they occur but no amount of understanding or counselling in the world will stop that feeling from happening.

You just get by as best you can.

Dinah93

ColleenPamela wrote: »

Occasionally I will get a memory so strong I can feel it, and it will make my skin crawl. I don't like arguments, and I think OH doesn't like how submissive I become when he's in a bad mood. I shouldn't, but it became my survival instinct for so long, I can't automatically stop. It will get less and less though...a couple of years ago it was a daily occurence for me...now only once every few months.

I could have written this. Although I'm certainly not at the every few month stage, it's still a few times a week. I was with a man who was emotionally very abusive, although rarely physical (he 'punished' me by locking me in rooms, throwing my handbag and laptop out the front door into the street, locking me naked in the back yard all night, tearing up and binning all my university documents and work I'd brought home as I didn't 'deserve' it etc). I do get triggers, and I hate that I do. But I can cope with the ones that just remind me of him in the sense of 'that man has the same hair' or 'he used to live there', but what I hate is if DH gets a bit worked up, even if it's nothing to do with me (mobile company did the wrong ammount on his bill for example) and he's just a bit growly, I'm so on edge I jump if he so much as leans over to pick up his glass. If he gets properly angry I go very small, still, and don't say anything. If he asks anything of me I just agree. I think this is because in my mind my ex never hit me, or punished me, until one day he did. We'd been together over a year at that point, and while I've been with my husband over 3 years and he's never shown any sign of being violent, there is always that part of me that thinks you don't know who can't control themselves and I need to be careful not to get in the position where he could snap.

I'm so glad you started this thread, until today I thought I was the only one who couldn't forget and completely move on. I really hope those of you who need some peace from the memories get it x