Past abusive BF - 10 years ago.

74jax

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Why do you feel you can't talk to your husband about it?

What did your husband say that brought the past back to life?

He knows it happened I don't need to talk to him about it. When we got together my house was still under what was known as police red alert so we had police alarms and buttons etc in every room, he couldn't not see them. The case also took a very long time to go to court (due to ex bunking bail etc) so he was with me around the court case.

I don't see how talking to OH when I'm a blubbering wreck can help things, it doesn't change what happened.

Day to day I'm fine, think of it occasionally but last night was more a 'feeling' that was brought back.

What OH said doesn't need to be on here, it wasn't really bad, something that many might say to their OH's but it had something to do with a part of my past that obviously kicked something in my stomach.

I just wondered why, or how after so many years it's now 15 or so hours after it happened and I still feel this way. I find it very strange.

Its similar to Sleeping With The Enemy - A film I loved but can't watch now as I get that 'feeling'.

Brains are weird things, wish mine would just blank it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

74jax wrote: »

He knows it happened I don't need to talk to him about it. When we got together my house was still under what was known as police red alert so we had police alarms and buttons etc in every room, he couldn't not see them. The case also took a very long time to go to court (due to ex bunking bail etc) so he was with me around the court case.

I don't see how talking to OH when I'm a blubbering wreck can help things, it doesn't change what happened.

Day to day I'm fine, think of it occasionally but last night was more a 'feeling' that was brought back.

What OH said doesn't need to be on here, it wasn't really bad, something that many might say to their OH's but it had something to do with a part of my past that obviously kicked something in my stomach.

I just wondered why, or how after so many years it's now 15 or so hours after it happened and I still feel this way. I find it very strange.

Its similar to Sleeping With The Enemy - A film I loved but can't watch now as I get that 'feeling'.

Brains are weird things, wish mine would just blank it.

It helps because you allow yourself to be vulnerable around him. Not just for his benefit, but because it tells your subconscious - that bit that's causing you these feelings - that it's ok, you're safe, that you don't have to keep those things locked up inside where they'll pop out and ruin your evening. So the act of sharing is what changes things.

Mojisola

whitewing wrote: »

I know it feels terrible but maybe your head/body are recognising that you are safe now in your life and you can begin to deal with some of it rather than be in survival mode all the time.

74jax wrote: »

He knows it happened I don't need to talk to him about it.

I don't see how talking to OH when I'm a blubbering wreck can help things, it doesn't change what happened. .

It's worth thinking about whitewing's idea - you may be ready to deal with the issue. Blanking it only works up to a point - it's always going to be there and could knock you sideways like this at any time.

If talking with your OH isn't right for you, is there anything he could do to help? If he knows that sitting holding you without asking questions is what you need, tell him. Work out what will help you - and that may be just to be left alone in your own space - so that he can support you.

missprice

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Why do you feel you can't talk to your husband about it?

What did your husband say that brought the past back to life?

I wanted to answer this one because often its something so silly that no one could ever have a clue that what was said was upsetting.
So my wonderful OH would be sitting next to me on sofa, he would be watching telly and I would be reading.
If what was on telly was faintly interesting I would lower the book and watch, then in ad break up the book would go again.
Sometimes(around five times in a year) OH would say in a teasing way 'I thought you were reading' he had no idea that the mothers husband had very often said same thing in a very nasty manner and ripped up books I was reading or smashed my face against telly or other nasty things.
So I was made to feel about half an inch tall.
OH would not know that and its not something that can be explained easily without sounding like a crackpot.
Eventually I just asked OH to stop saying that please as it makes me feel guilty and small as I can do both, watch TV and read.
And its never happened since, but you can easily see its a small sentence that has no real meaning and was not said by OH to hurt me.

ostrichnomore_2

I have no experience of DV so won't presume to give advice or comment on that.

But you sound like a very strong, brave, lady to me.

Mojisola

missprice wrote: »

So my wonderful OH would be sitting next to me on sofa, he would be watching telly and I would be reading.
If what was on telly was faintly interesting I would lower the book and watch, then in ad break up the book would go again.
Sometimes(around five times in a year) OH would say in a teasing way 'I thought you were reading' he had no idea that the mothers husband had very often said same thing in a very nasty manner and ripped up books I was reading or smashed my face against telly or other nasty things.
So I was made to feel about half an inch tall.
OH would not know that and its not something that can be explained easily without sounding like a crackpot.
Eventually I just asked OH to stop saying that please as it makes me feel guilty and small as I can do both, watch TV and read.
And its never happened since, but you can easily see its a small sentence that has no real meaning and was not said by OH to hurt me.

That's a really good example of how innocent little remarks can be triggers.

Your OH is lovely just to accept that you don't want to say it again.:A

An understanding OH doesn't have to know all the details - knowing it upsets a partner should be enough. If 74jax can explain what affected her (rather than why), it sounds as if her supportive OH will do all he can to avoid it in future as well.

ValHaller

74jax wrote: »

I don't see how talking to OH when I'm a blubbering wreck can help things, it doesn't change what happened.

Day to day I'm fine, think of it occasionally but last night was more a 'feeling' that was brought back.

What OH said doesn't need to be on here, it wasn't really bad, something that many might say to their OH's but it had something to do with a part of my past that obviously kicked something in my stomach.

Now you are not a blubbering wreck would be a good time to just mention it to him?

I agree, we don't need to know what was said. More relevant is how it was said - if it was something innocuous like missprice's 'I thought you were reading' it could perhaps be dealt with differently to something said in anger or negatively but wit a disproportionate effect.

74jax

missprice wrote: »

So I was made to feel about half an inch tall.
OH would not know that and its not something that can be explained easily without sounding like a crackpot.
.

Exactly that.

KxMx

A relative recently had problems coping with things 16 years after their marriage ended due to domestic abuse. The realised they had not coped with it at the time/ in the aftermath and went for some help.

Problems not caused solely by the previous domestic abuse but it was the trigger and the main factor. They did two one on on counselling sessions and they have just started a 10 week course. Arranged through a "link worker" at GP surgery who sent them to a women's organisation there wasn't a huge wait either.

They were very sceptical and very much "I can cope on my own" but when it became clear that was not the case the help they have gotten has already done them so much good.

My father was mentally abusive towards me it only takes something silly and inconsequential doesn't it to bring it all flooding back. I intend seeking help but I have only recently admitted to myself it was "abuse" and not "father is horrible" and all I can articulate at the moment is that it doesn't make me feel good. When I have worked through it a bit more I intend on talking to someone about it.

dandelionclock30

What I understand is that when you have suffered a major trauma then it imprints deeply onto the part of the brain that deals with the fight or flight responses.
Often people like those who have been abused or sufferred in the army etc can still be affected by triggers and thats why they can be catapulted back there, because the brain remembers and its a strong response.