Marriage problems - help!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Does this 'monster' feel that he is protecting the rest of the family? And by having your son in there mean that you are endangering them?

That doesn't necessarily sound monstrous to me, if he does.

HPoirot

Your hb has been at the end of his tether with his own son OP, I think you should recognise that and give him the time and space to deal with it. Not putting your feelings over his and foist his son on him. For the time being. I might put the cat among the pigeons here, but if hb is reacting so badly towards his son this usually means that he has been the most affected by his behaviour. Give him room, and time to breathe a sigh when he gets home safe in the knowledge that the rest of his family are no longer in constant danger. He might start to feel differently once he starts getting over the ordeal.

Savvy_Sue

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Does this 'monster' feel that he is protecting the rest of the family? And by having your son in there mean that you are endangering them?

That doesn't necessarily sound monstrous to me, if he does.

This. I also wondered if the husband was aware of something the lad has done which he has kept from the OP to protect her?

You'd hope a rational discussion might be possible, and a compromise reached. Maybe Mum and Son can meet away from the home for a bit, with or without the other children.

Mojisola

Pops50 wrote: »

I visited the other day and he came home with us for a short while, when hb found out he was in the house he was very angry, seething in fact, this caused a huge argument and I'm now left thinking that I hate him, how can he be like this with his son,

Pops50 wrote: »

hb won't see any counsellor as he would say it's not him that's the problem, it's the son who has abused and stole from every member of the family when he lived here.

I do admit that I too feel extremely guilty over the path we have taken, even though I know there really was no other choice, son refuses help, and still does and will not listen to any advice and just kicks off at the slightest thing, something that couldn't be suffered any longer at home. He has made lots of friends at the hostel and has settled and likes the freedom etc, but still behaves very abusively towards staff.

I think it would benefit both your OH and you to have some help to deal with your feelings. I also think you were wrong to bring your son back to the family home without discussing it with your OH first. I don't think your son should be coming back to the family home unless everyone who lives there is in full agreement.

It doesn't sound as if your son has changed very much. Why would you put the rest of the family at risk again?

Is there any possibility that your OH is having to take a harsh stance because you are too soft and easily manipulated by your son? Maybe if you can get over your feelings of guilt and be a bit more objective about the situation, your OH will be able to relax his position as well?

Any

Mojisola wrote: »

I think it would benefit both your OH and you to have some help to deal with your feelings. I also think you were wrong to bring your son back to the family home without discussing it with your OH first. I don't think your son should be coming back to the family home unless everyone who lives there is in full agreement.

It doesn't sound as if your son has changed very much. Why would you put the rest of the family at risk again?

Is there any possibility that your OH is having to take a harsh stance because you are too soft and easily manipulated by your son? Maybe if you can get over your feelings of guilt and be a bit more objective about the situation, your OH will be able to relax his position as well?

Having more info definitely changes the whole view of the situation OP. Your initial post suggested that your OH wants to pretend your son doesn't exist because he is "ill".
Now you say your son is abusive, thief and refuses help... Completely different!!

Agree with Mojisola on every point.

marisco_2

Few people would choose for their relationship with their own child, to deteriorate to the stage that your husband and sons has. What support networks were in place for yourselves as well as your son, when he lived with you? Did any of you get the chance to talk through your feelings with someone, about his condition and the effects this had on family life? Or were you just left to get on with it and muddle through?

Your husbands approach now may reflect years of built up fear, desperation, anxiety and worry. He may not have developed coping mechanisms, or know how to approach your son in order to interact positively with him, and develop a good relationship. My advice would be to try and talk to him very frankly and openly, listen to his point of view and see if you can find a way together to sort things out. I do feel for you as this must be such a difficult situation to cope with.

meritaten

its a very natural instinct to protect your own child - you have it - but your oh doesn't seem to. have you asked him WHY he is this way? because I think that's the key to understanding your OHs attitude toward your son.

Lotus-eater

meritaten wrote: »

its a very natural instinct to protect your own child - you have it - but your oh doesn't seem to. have you asked him WHY he is this way? because I think that's the key to understanding your OHs attitude toward your son.

I think her Oh is protecting the rest of his family by the sound of it and doesn't want to let the 16 yr old into the house until he acts in a better manner.

He's getting into a mood with the OP, as she insists on letting the 16 yr into the house, after what he's done and he obviously doesn't feel sorry for it.

Vicky123

The thing is when a child has significant issues it really is everyone's problem and your husband saying it's his son that needs help isn't strictly true, the entire family need coping strategies.
It isn't about blame because it's no one's fault but trying to struggle on manfully rarely ends well for anyone.
It's not too late to seek advice but parents have to be receptive to help, the authorities usually make noises about support but it's up to individuals to pursue it.
Siblings could also benefit from some support.
Would your husband speak to the G.P.?

tango

Such a difficult situation . Having a child who has issues can suck the life and energy out of a family. Until anyone has been in this situation they really cannot judge.

You admit to being too soft ,and your husband you say is too harsh . This is a classic situation , the harsher your husband the more you will feel the need to go the other way . And the same with him .

Go and see someone , make sure you get referred by your GP. Don't be afraid ,talk and talk more. Too often in life we think everything will sort itself out , but sometimes it just snowballs and it become loads of little 'fish hooks' that attach themselves to you .



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