Marriage problems - help!

Pops50

Not sure where to start really, but here goes. Been with hb 24 yrs, 4 kids. Eldest 16 has ADHD and has always had behavioural issues. When he was just over 16 it was decided that he could no longer live with us as his behaviour was having such an impact on the rest of the family (not an easy decision for me) although hb had wanted this for a long time. As you can imagine we have had differences of opinions regarding this over the years with hb coming over as very harsh and me probably being soft. Anyways, he's in supported accom for now but hb still will not visit him. I visited the other day and he came home with us for a short while, when hb found out he was in the house he was very angry, seething in fact, this caused a huge argument and I'm now left thinking that I hate him, how can he be like this with his son, he eventually got what he wanted, son out of the house as soon as he was 16 ( although I do agree now it has been for the best), but I can' t understand why he still has this grudge against son. I feel like leaving as I don't want to be with someone who is that harsh and unforgiving, but I have 3 younger kids to think about, please help

Dimey

Sounds like your husband needs counselling to come to terms with your son's condition. Really professional help. Probably should have been done years ago and his fear and feelings of guilt have been left to grow irrationally.

I can see that the care your son will receive will be calming for him and help your whole family live more calmly too. But of course your son must be able to come home for visits. You are still one inclusive happy family.

I am interpreting your husband's hostility as fear and guilt. If that can be overcome by teaching him how to love his son as much as he does the rest of the family then things might change for the better.

Any

Agree with everything Dimey said.
And if he refuses to go, then I can really say that I couldn't live with such a monster being (cannot say human being).

Your son has a condition, he didn't choose to be born like he was!!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

Kick your moody demanding angry sulky husband to the kerb and enjoy a more peaceful life with you seeing your son WHENEVER you feel like and the other 3 kids living happily with you.

Vicky123

How is he with the other kids? Not that it makes a difference how he's treating his son, just wondering if he's this impossible generally or just with disability. What he's doing is unacceptable, you have every right to see your son whenever you want and your son has every right to come and visit his home.

itsanne

Dimey wrote: »

Sounds like your husband needs counselling to come to terms with your son's condition. Really professional help. Probably should have been done years ago and his fear and feelings of guilt have been left to grow irrationally.

I can see that the care your son will receive will be calming for him and help your whole family live more calmly too. But of course your son must be able to come home for visits. You are still one inclusive happy family.

I am interpreting your husband's hostility as fear and guilt. If that can be overcome by teaching him how to love his son as much as he does the rest of the family then things might change for the better.

This. Spot on.

Pops50

Thanks for the replies, you are of course all correct in what you advise - hb won't see any counsellor as he would say it's not him that's the problem, it's the son who has abused and stole from every member of the family when he lived here. I do admit that I too feel extremely guilty over the path we have taken, even though I know there really was no other choice, son refuses help, and still does and will not listen to any advice and just kicks off at the slightest thing, something that couldn't be suffered any longer at home. He has made lots of friends at the hostel and has settled and likes the freedom etc, but still behaves very abusively towards staff. Sorry I'm digressing, just no-one else to talk to about it.

Lunar_Eclipse

Pops50 wrote: »

hb won't see any counsellor as he would say it's not him that's the problem, it's the son who has abused and stole from every member of the family when he lived here.

I'm another that suggests professional help.

Seeing a counsellor is not suggesting for one second that your husband is the problem, merely that he needs help in dealing with the pain that your son has 'caused'. This will help not only your husband's health (stored anger isn't good for you!) but your family as a whole and help your husband interact with your son better. "Seeking a professional opinion" might make it sound even more tolerable to him.

If he can't see that he has extreme feelings towards his son that are not ideal because they're not positive, then that is an issue.

If he acknowledges that he angers quickly and has built up (understandable) resentment towards him because of his medical condition, then ask him to seek help for you, if he won't do it for himself. Most spouses with respect for their partner would do this if asked.

DKLS

His attitude is more understandable now that the OP has added additional information regarding thefts and abuse of family members.

I couldnt imagine what it would be like to have a child turn out that way.

itsanne

Pops50 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, you are of course all correct in what you advise - hb won't see any counsellor as he would say it's not him that's the problem, it's the son who has abused and stole from every member of the family when he lived here. I do admit that I too feel extremely guilty over the path we have taken, even though I know there really was no other choice, son refuses help, and still does and will not listen to any advice and just kicks off at the slightest thing, something that couldn't be suffered any longer at home. He has made lots of friends at the hostel and has settled and likes the freedom etc, but still behaves very abusively towards staff. Sorry I'm digressing, just no-one else to talk to about it.

OP, you're not alone in either having to remove your son from home or in feeling guilty about doing it. We had to do the same when our son was a little older than yours, so I do understand the turmoil. It's hellish. But it does get better. We could not go back to living with our son under any circumstances, but we see him regularly and probably have a better relationship now than before he left. It's definitely easier when you can walk away or say it's time to go home when things are particularly bad.

As far as your husband is concerned, he clearly needs help. I can understand that you are appalled at his treatment of your son and am not in any way justifying his behaviour towards you, but from an outsider's perspective he is really struggling to handle the situation - and not managing. Do try to persuade him, both for his sake and for that of the family as a whole.

Dimey

As has been said, the extra information about your son's behaviour helps us understand more, Pops50. It must have been really hard being victims but loving the perpetrator at the same time. Or feeling confused because the perpetrator was slowly killing that love.

I guess you have to add anger and resentment to your husband's emotional load given that he couldn't protect his family from his eldest son or his eldest son from himself. I don't know if I'm right but don't many men think in terms of "protecting their family"?

Has your husband's attitude to towards your son been the same from day one or just from when your son started stealing etc. from the family?

How do your other children feel when they see your husband being cool towards the eldest son? Are they relieved that the son is kind of, being punished or are they sad and worry in case your husband becomes the same towards them?

I can't imagine what you've all been through to get to this point. Whichever scenarios I imagine I still come back to counselling being the solution for your OH or at least a road to finding a solution. And that will help you too.