What to do - Mother drinking .....

bitemebankers

virgo149 wrote: »

Very possible but anyone in the grip of an alcohol addiction has a good chance of having thrown reason and accountability far out of the window.

Maybe so, but that's her decision to make.

itsanne

bitemebankers wrote: »

No, you really don't have to do what's right for you. You could try considering that your mother is a independent adult capable of making her own decisions and accept that. Sure, she might not live quite as long as if she gave up the booze tomorrow but she's 71, !!!!!!. Her life, her decision.

I can't agree with all of the sentiment here. People have to live with the decisions they make or don't make, and it's very difficult to watch someone you care about making very bad choices and say or do nothing. The OP does not yet appear to be at the point of being able to just walk away, though it will eventually come in one way or another, so "You could try considering . . ." seems rather harsh.

I would dispute that when those kind of choices are made they are really by an "independent adult capable of making her own decisions", but the unfortunate reality is that people have the right to self-destruct.

OP, there are more constructive suggestions on here than bitemebankers'.

bitemebankers

itsanne wrote: »

The OP does not yet appear to be at the point of being able to just walk away, though it will eventually come in one way or another, so "You could try considering . . ." seems rather harsh.

Maybe so, but at the end of the day, it seems to me that a lot of the anguish the OP is feeling is self-inflicted. Essentially, the OP is trying to take responsibility for someone they're not responsible for.

the unfortunate reality is that people have the right to self-destruct.

The unfortunately reality is that we all self-destruct at some point anyway - death is inevitable. All I'm doing is looking at this from the mother's point of view, and her right to self-determination, and her feelings in all this.

pops5588

Another hand up in support of what aileth said here. My OH's mother is an alcoholic and there is literally nothing that anyone can say or do that will change anything. She had a recent bout in hospital, it would appear her heart, kidneys and liver are pretty tired of her drinking. She stopped drinking for about a week after she came out but things are "back to normal" now.

I've watched my OH shout, scream, plead, cry, ignore....anything you can think of. He has now accepted that he has to get on with his own life and leave her to it, as sad as it sounds.

I know how painful it is though, OP. And she is very lucky to have people around her who care so much. Hope things get a bit easier for you.

itsanne

bitemebankers wrote: »

Maybe so, but at the end of the day, it seems to me that a lot of the anguish the OP is feeling is self-inflicted. Essentially, the OP is trying to take responsibility for someone they're not responsible for.

The unfortunately reality is that we all self-destruct at some point anyway - death is inevitable. All I'm doing is looking at this from the mother's point of view, and her right to self-determination, and her feelings in all this.

I don't totally disagree with you, hence my original "I can't agree with all of the sentiment here". However, not yet being able to step back does not mean that the OP's anguish is self-inflicted. It takes time and an awful lot of hurt to get to the point of completely giving up responsibility, even when not actually responsible for the other person.

Biologically speaking, death can be viewed as self-destruction, but you know that was not the sense in which I used the phrase . It's the whole illness, poverty, lack of control etc cycle which is of more concern than a straightforward early death. How can the OP not worry about that?

Does the mother really have a point of view which is not coloured by her alcohol intake? It's difficult to imagine that she would choose to be as she is, and how she will become, without her need for alcohol.

Skinnymoo

Thank you for your replies..... she is open abt how much she drinks, there used to be a stage when I would call in the evening and sometimes not notice she'd had a drink, she might have started to drink abt 6 in the evening. Them days are gone she sounds slurred now and is often weepy. She says she can't stop drinking again, at least twice she has given up for at least a year.... when my step dad had dementia in the final stages she didn't drink, never have I known her drink to this extent. She has a friend, and my auntie who she goes the sauna with, she goes swimming very early in the morning with friend and shopping trips.... my brother comes up to stay now, though I thought he was a temptation to drink as they go the pub and buy a dear gin, Kendericks? £9 a shot!!! But she actually said when he was here, she couldn't drink as much in front of him. She has said it would easier to be gone and floating on a cloud, no worries etc.... I have thought today whether my nagging makes it worse, I am going to try and not nag.

Skinnymoo

bitemebankers wrote: »

Maybe so, but at the end of the day, it seems to me that a lot of the anguish the OP is feeling is self-inflicted. Essentially, the OP is trying to take responsibility for someone they're not responsible for.

The unfortunately reality is that we all self-destruct at some point anyway - death is inevitable. All I'm doing is looking at this from the mother's point of view, and her right to self-determination, and her feelings in all this.

It is not just a case of being responsible for her, I do not want her to die.....I sometimes wish my step dad was still here, grumpy git and she was just normal if I can use that word.

virgo149

itsanne wrote: »

I don't totally disagree with you, hence my original "I can't agree with all of the sentiment here". However, not yet being able to step back does not mean that the OP's anguish is self-inflicted. It takes time and an awful lot of hurt to get to the point of completely giving up responsibility, even when not actually responsible for the other person.

Biologically speaking, death can be viewed as self-destruction, but you know that was not the sense in which I used the phrase . It's the whole illness, poverty, lack of control etc cycle which is of more concern than a straightforward early death. How can the OP not worry about that?

Does the mother really have a point of view which is not coloured by her alcohol intake? It's difficult to imagine that she would choose to be as she is, and how she will become, without her need for alcohol.

A click on the 'thanks' button doesn't do justice to your words here itsanne as you have expressed very articulately what I was struggling to say. When emotions are involved, it's amazing how difficult it becomes to express what to some just seems plain and simple.

I would never wish anyone to go through the experience of dealing with an alcoholic and I could never put into words fully what kind of experience it is. My brother was very much of the same ilk of thinking as you bitemebankers, and I so wish I could have been like that too. I could have saved myself a whole heap of all sorts. But to me, family is family, she was my sister and I did as much as I could for as long as I could.

Skinnymoo, you do what you have to do, but with the knowledge it will be a difficult journey and one that ultimately you have very little control over. I wish you the best of luck with it all. xx

bitemebankers

itsanne wrote: »

However, not yet being able to step back does not mean that the OP's anguish is self-inflicted. It takes time and an awful lot of hurt to get to the point of completely giving up responsibility, even when not actually responsible for the other person.

I think that is largely within the control of the OP. Ultimately it's a matter which is outside her control. She has two options: fight it or accept it. Both lead to the same conclusion.

Biologically speaking, death can be viewed as self-destruction, but you know that was not the sense in which I used the phrase . It's the whole illness, poverty, lack of control etc cycle which is of more concern than a straightforward early death. How can the OP not worry about that?

Of course, most of us worry about losing our parents, but there is a certain inevitability about it, with or without excessive alcohol use.

It's difficult to imagine that she would choose to be as she is, and how she will become, without her need for alcohol.

Is it really that difficult? I don't think that it is. In any case, it's the mother's choice and I think the daughter will be far better off emotionally when she learns to accept this.

Counting_Pennies_2

It sounds like alcohol has been her crutch for quite some time.

Alcoholism is an illness and not something that can just be stopped.

A person very close to us battled it for several years after admitting they had a problem. Sadly it did kill him.

The most sad of all is that in his final months of decline he lost his wife, children and committed the crime of driving under the influence. The alcohol had literally pickled his brain and the toxins coming from his damaged organs changed his behaviour. Sadly his children did not get to see him in the last year of his life and he cried out especially in his final days to see them, it was painful. The bitterness had cut through his relationships and the estranged wife could not bring herself to bring the children to his death bed and I cannot judge her for the decisions, just trying to see it from both sides

If all your concern is falling on deaf ears, then I would say for your own sanity you need to change tact.

While you exhaust all avenues of help, such as counselling, drying out clinics etc, I think it is important to see the person beneath the drink.

If drink is going to kill her, make sure the time in the run up to it she is surrounded by love and contact with her loved ones.

Alcohol and other illnesses can isolate a person and creates a bitter environment to live in.

Continue to love her. The toll of watching her being ill is clearly showing for the both of you. So I guess all I can say is try to be there. Only she can change things, and sadly when they are in the grip of the illness change does not always happen.