What to do - Mother drinking .....

Skinnymoo

to her death I fear! She s 71 was very fit, young looking.....step father died last year, not an easy marriage, bully, tight, kill joy etc... then he had dementia for abt 3 years before he died...She's always been a drinker though he kept it in check reasonably, though she had been known to drink all through the afternoon cause he was almost blind and she topped the bottle up with water. Anyway now she can drink 3 qts of a bottle of Gin a day and has been drinking every day since at least May, though not that much, but half a bottle easy. Her blood pressure was up, pills have sorted that, blood now in her urine.....is still in bed now with a hangover, Doc told her not to stop the drink now as it will kill her, the right advice maybe but to her that means half a bottle a day is ok. She has had councelling and was advised to do a drastic detox where she would stop and someone would come in and see shes ok over a day or so, she decided to try to cut down the drink bit by bit each day, this is not working, she says she doesn't miss him(husband, married over 40 years) and is ok on her own, but that she is old now and her life is over, she was pregnant, married at 17 etc(1st marriage)......I nag her/tell her, this does not work, brother who lives far away has a different approach and does not nag, that does not work.
She was left with savings after his death, not a fortune but enough to live comfy on but she's spending like its going out of fashion but that doesn't make her happy. Now yesterday we have found out her son from 1st marriage at 17, who she didn't see has died at the age of 52 from drink....... this has not helped....

Sorry this is long winded and I have not got all the details here, but what can I do? Nothing I say helps....... is there anything I can do? Excuse any spelling mistakes.

aileth

My mother is an alcoholic. Until she admits she has a problem, you cannot help her, you cannot make her get help, and you cannot stop her drinking. If she sees half a bottle a gin a day as no problem, despite the medical interventions and warnings, as sad and soul-destroying as it is, you can't stop her if she is intent on self-destructing.

The people this behaviour hurts most aren't the alcoholics, but the people watching them drink themselves to death. I really sympathise.

On a side note, you seem to think it might stem from bereavement. Has she tried bereavement counselling? She probably wouldn't be interested though if she claims that she doesn't miss him.

Skinnymoo

Thank you for your reply, she admits she has a problem....it is really depressing to see, we fell out in the summer for a couple of months over her drinking and in a way it was a relief to be away from it all...I have told her to spend some of her money on private counselling.It's all going to end badly, I think she doesn't even likes me much at the mo for constantly telling her, I am wasting my breath.

Savvy_Sue

Agree with aileth: you can do nothing for her. However, you can inform and protect yourself, try contacting Al-Anon which is for the families and friends of those with alcohol problems.

hazyjo

Does she have a life outside of alcohol/the home? Does she ever see friends or go out? Is there somewhere she could help at which might give her a purpose? Animal sanctuary maybe? Does she always drink alone?

My ex husband was pretty much an alcoholic but he was in total denial (one of these that thought just cos he didn't need a drink in the morning, or could go a day without one, he wasn't an alcoholic). He counted over 80-100 units most weeks. It took two heart scares to make him realise (suspected heart attack, but was 'atrial fibrillation'). He tried putting it down to stress, but the doc said nope, it was pretty much 99% caused by too much alcohol. He stopped for three months the first time, then it happened again a year later. Then he stopped for six months. When he was back on the alcohol after that, we pretty much reached the end of our marriage.

Apparently his current GF nags too (rightly so). Dragged him out the pub the other night saying she wasn't having any of this alcohol business.

You have to accept the fact some people won't ever learn. It hurts, it tears you up inside, you can't leave your mum like I left my husband. But you can try to understand you can't feel guilty about it, and if/when something does happen to her, it's not your fault and you have done all you can. You can't just pack people off to rehab or the like, it doesn't work like that.

I wish you the very best of luck. As above, until she recognises there's a problem, it will always be a problem.

Jx

aileth

Skinnymoo wrote: »

Thank you for your reply, she admits she has a problem....it is really depressing to see, we fell out in the summer for a couple of months over her drinking and in a way it was a relief to be away from it all...I have told her to spend some of her money on private counselling.It's all going to end badly, I think she doesn't even likes me much at the mo for constantly telling her, I am wasting my breath.

She probably doesn't. When my mother's problems came to a height, me and my sister were constantly on at her about it. She ended up admitting that she actually drank more when we were on at her about it due to the 'stress' of the nagging (I think it was just an excuse to have a few more drinks, but I'm pessimistic.)

We also suggested counselling to my mother. One time she actually admitted that she drank too much, so we said that she needed some support, "I don't need counselling, I'm not crazy, only crazy people get counselling", was her response.

My mum seems to 'know' what she drinks is inordinate, but has absolutely no problems picking up a glass, and if you confront her about it she blows her top and goes completely off the deep end, so we've simply left her to it. We have told her that if she would like help, we will do everything we can to help her.

Is she very deflective and evasive? That's one of the main things I noticed. My sister went out for Freshers twice in a week, my mum was drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a night plus some gin chasers, and when my sister raised it with her she deflected by saying that my sister was just as bad as her. I used to go round to their house and she'd be completely hammered by noon on Saturday, I asked if she was drunk and she instantly evaded it and dodged the question.

bitemebankers

For what it's worth, if I was 71, I'd consider my drinking / drug use to be exclusively my business - nobody else's.

On a practical level, there's really nothing you can do. It's a well known fact that until someone wants to change this kind of behaviour, you cannot make them. But by continually nagging, you can pretty much destroy the relationship you have with said person. Is this really the outcome you want?

virgo149

I can only echo what others have said sadly.

Nothing you do or say will stop your mother drinking, unless she wants it too. It is the hardest thing in the world to watch a person you love go through this illness. All you can do is be there for them as much as you can / as much as you can bare / as much as you can afford. Until she wants to stop and change her life, she will most probably stay in the spiral she has got herself in to.

My sister was bipolar who self medicated with alcohol for years. At first she was very good at hiding her addiction and I actually unwittingly helped her to drink by paying her bills. The hardest thing I have ever done was walk away but eventually for my own sanity I had no choice. I will live with the guilt of this forever but if I'm honest I know my sister would have chosen drink over me most of the time. Her story ended in 2009 but not a day goes by that I don't beat myself up over it.

I does sound like losing your step father has triggered something - can you get her to the docs to see if she can get some counselling for that (perhaps that would trigger more thought on the drinking side of things then?).

Other than that, you keep doing what you can. You will get no thanks, no gesture of gratitude and may be even a few words that will horrify you. But, you have to do what is right for you - mother or not, this illness doesn't care who you are.

Sending you the biggest hugs I can manage - unless you have gone through this, you really just cannot comprehend what it is like.

bitemebankers

virgo149 wrote: »

Other than that, you keep doing what you can. ... But, you have to do what is right for you

No, you really don't have to do what's right for you. You could try considering that your mother is a independent adult capable of making her own decisions and accept that. Sure, she might not live quite as long as if she gave up the booze tomorrow but she's 71, !!!!!!. Her life, her decision.

virgo149

bitemebankers wrote: »

No, you really don't have to do what's right for you. You could try considering that your mother is a independent adult capable of making her own decisions and accept that. Sure, she might not live quite as long as if she gave up the booze tomorrow but she's 71, !!!!!!. Her life, her decision.

Wow - quite a comment considering you completely missed my message.

bitemebankers wrote: »

You could try considering that your mother is a independent adult capable of making her own decisions and accept that.

Very possible but anyone in the grip of an alcohol addiction has a good chance of having thrown reason and accountability far out of the window. Just my personal experience.

bitemebankers wrote: »

Her life, her decision.

Exactly. And that is why I chose to walk away from my loved one but not everyone can do that.

Pollycat

aileth wrote: »

Until she admits she has a problem, you cannot help her, you cannot make her get help, and you cannot stop her drinking.

I agree 100% with this.

Skinnymoo wrote: »

Thank you for your reply, she admits she has a problem.....

So what is her plan to deal with the problem she admits she has?

Unless she actively seeks help, she has not admitted any problem at all. She is just paying lip service.

I accept that she is your Mother but there is a limit to how much of this problem you can (or even should) take on.

This may sound very selfish, but make sure you don't get dragged down into this mess.