Old friends, don't enjoy seeing them any more

BlondeHeadOn

I have realised that I am not looking forward to a meeting of old friends next week, and in fact have not really wanted to meet up with this group for over a year now. I think the problem is that I frequently get bored during the conversations, as they are mostly a bit older than I am and therefore the things they talk about are not really relevant to me and my life.

These are friends I have known for years though, and I feel guilty for not wanting to see them so often. I also don't have an alternative source of friends, so I am aware that I may end up very short of friends if I stop seeing this group.

This sounds very selfish (after all, at least I have some friends so I should just get on with things!) but I am feeling increasingly isolated when I see them (if that makes sense).

Has anyone else had friends that they have kind of moved away from? How did it work itself out? And can things resolve themselves in time so that the group of friends became important again? (i.e. did you feel part of the group once again after the passage of time?)

busiscoming2

People change and evolve and their lives with it, therefore it stands to reason we don't 'enjoy' the same people all the time. I have a friend I haven't seen for nearly a year and this was after seeing them very regularly for forty years. I know deep down we will almost certainly 're-bond' in the future. I have other friends I have drifted away from and re-connected with later.

If you find yourself questioning whether to see them or not, can you not make excuses but re-connect maybe in the future to see if you feel differently?

marisco_2

You don't sound selfish at all to me OP. Sometimes you just grow apart from people, it is not a nice thing to face but that's life. You get older, your personality matures and over time you find you don't have much in common any more. If your friends live in a different area and aren't involved in the day-to-day of your life it can make things difficult. Phone calls can become forced, with you ending up struggling to come up with things to talk about.

There is little point to dreading meeting up because you feel an underlying tension from having to try so hard. The more you pretend that your friendship is the same, the more obvious it will be that it is not. You cant force a connection to people. If anything, keeping friends just because you've known them for so long seems more sad than just ending it and moving on. You'll always be reminded of how close you used to be and how everything has now changed. Only you know if there is nothing left to share between yourself and these people now and whether it is time to call it a day.

BlondeHeadOn

Thank you busiscoming2, I like the idea of maybe 're-bonding' later on in life - that sounds more positive to me than just dropping friends. I don't want to just 'drop' people, but I feel in a different stage of life to them now (they are all retired, talk about grandchidren a lot etc.) I am not retired and have no intention of doing so for some years yet, so I am on a different page.

And thank you marisco for your kind words. I do indeed live some distance away from most of these friends, and that means that meeting up is more of an 'event' during which I find it hard to connectwith. Also there seems to be a bit of 'one-up-man-ship' creeping in as well (with regard to house refurbishments, children and grandchildren's acheivements and so on) and to be honest all of that leaves me rather cold.

I was thinking it was my fault in some way, but maybe it is just where we all are at the moment.

I think I am also scared of ending up with no friends if I move away from this group. But maybe doing so will force me to get out a bit more and socialise with other people.

Hmm. Lots of food for thought!

Rev

I don't think you should feel bad. People change. Their interests change and friendships come to a natural end.

In lucky in the fact I still have the same core group of friends I met in nursery and went right through school with. We've all got our own lives. But we remain beat friend. I'm thankful for this.

I've also had other friends who have come and gone. Don't feel bad about not sharing things in common with people. It's sad but its life.

gt568

Friends come and go. Enemies accumulate.

Dunroamin

If you only see them occasionally, is it a problem if you're a bit bored with them?

Hermia

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

Thank you busiscoming2, I like the idea of maybe 're-bonding' later on in life - that sounds more positive to me than just dropping friends. I don't want to just 'drop' people, but I feel in a different stage of life to them now (they are all retired, talk about grandchidren a lot etc.) I am not retired and have no intention of doing so for some years yet, so I am on a different page.

I think the idea of re-bonding is a good one.

I wonder whether you might get on with these people better if you didn't see them in a group. I'm in my late 30s and find a lot women my age tedious because they just endlessly witter on about kids and husbands. I've noticed that when I get them on their own they are more than happy to talk about other things, but in a group of their peers they just talk about the same old same old.

duchy

A lot of my friends have recently become grandparents.......whilst I'm very happy for them .... just as I was for friends who had their babies years before I did...........it does change things -as you have differant priorities.

It's one of those "For everything there is a season" scenarios sometimes. Some friends you stay bonded with even if your lives are on differing paths....others just drift away. Just the way life is.

dandelionclock30

The conversation sounds very boring if they are talking about grandchildren and house refurbishments, who wants to listen to that rubbish.
If I were you I would just make my excuses like too busy,family commitments/work etc and let them get on with it.
Think about your interests or what you would like to do and go ahead and do them and join things. You will meet other people along the way who will be more stimulating and have more in common with you. Good luck.

meritaten

Yes - you can 'grow out' of friends. you move on and if they haven't - then you have nothing in common anymore. they get put on Christmas and Birthday card list because you don't want to forget them. just not socialise with them. and that's ok!