teen off the rails

petrol-head

Hi I was after some advice from some other parents. my son is 15 and making my life hell.

Long story short, He decided last year he hated school and got himself put in a PRU behaviour school. thankfully he is doing well there and is polite and respectful.

A few months ago he decided that he didn't like the way I discipline him at home so he moved in with his nan. since then our relationship has seriously deteriorated.

he contacts me every couple of weeks asking for money, trainers, new clothes etc. I say no as I pay his nan to look after him and to be honest his recent behaviour does not warrant treats!! his nan does spend the money I give her on new clothes for him and a new phone on contract (after he ran up a £500 bill on my contract :eek:). My mum believes that he can do no wrong so therefore im basically stuffed.

i told him he is to come back home, he says no way as he has it nice down there and gets whatever he wants and my mum just lets him get away with everything.

his latest is to tell me to go and kill myself. he said it in front of my parents today and they said nothing to him, in fact my mum gave him a couple of pound to go out with until i left!

i feel like giving up

paulineb_2

Dont give up. All I can say is, you dont need to be abused by your son and you need the support of your parents. Id be asking them why they think he can do no wrong when his behaviour has been so poor and he told you to kill yourself in front of them.

All I can say is one day I hope he looks back and feels sorry. I do remember what it was like being 15 and I probably wasnt as nice to my mum as I could have been, we never had any major problems, but we get on fine now.

Being a teenager can be hard, one minute you are a kid, then in your teens, you think you know it all but you dont. But theres no excuse for the way hes treating you.

Is there anything else thats gone on in his life lately that made for the change of behaviour at school?

Please dont give up. Also, its good of you to pay your mum to look after him, its the decent thing to do.

But Id be asking her and your dad for support in return, you need it, he cant get away with playing you off against one another.

And hard as this may sound, Id certainly consider not visiting until hes told he has to be civil to you, you dont need the upset.

paulineb_2

Btw, I dont have kids, just wanted to give my opinion.

karen_123

We have 4 kids now aged 24,21.21,17 and so I really do feel for you.
Being a parent is very often a thankless task and often leaves you despairing as to where it all went wrong. I would strongly urge you to keep your distance from your son and leave him to hopefully see how wrong his disrespectful behaviour is.
The more you try to appease him the more he will rebel,the fact that his nan is not supporting you is very wrong but unfortunately not unexpected.
Providing you have done your best as a parent, then please remember HE is in the wrong.
Do not give way to his terrible attitude and do not reward him with any type of funding other than his necessities.
Depending on his exact age ,make sure he gets a job and contributes to his upkeep .
All our kids have worked from 16 and held down full time collage and uni.
Do not mentally torture yourself over this ,he will grow up .
Best wishes
Karen

BitterAndTwisted

If it was his decision to go and live with his nan why do you think it should be your decision for him to come back?

He's as happy as a pig in !!!!!! where he is now, so what's the incentive to come back home and endure your discipline?

I'd leave the cheeky monkey where he is and wait for him to become too much of a handful for the g/parents. Then you might have the opportunity to lay out your ground-rules and expect them to be adhered to for more than five minutes.

CH27

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If it was his decision to go and live with his nan why do you think it should be your decision for him to come back?

He's as happy as a pig in !!!!!! where he is now, so what's the incentive to come back home and endure your discipline?

I'd leave the cheeky monkey where he is and wait for him to become too much of a handful for the g/parents. Then you might have the opportunity to lay out your ground-rules and expect them to be adhered to for more than five minutes.

I can't say it better than B&T

marisco_2

My eldest is only 11 so I haven't got to this delightful stage of parenting yet. Your post resonated with me though as you could be describing the situation my aunt was in with my cousin when he went to stay with her mum. Thinking the sun shines out of kids, refusing to see their approach to life for what it is and not having the strength of character to address it with them does them no favours long term. Your mum is enabling your son to carry on in this destructive way, and as you are no doubt aware it will have long term negative effects on him. A high price to pay for enjoying pretty much meaningless little luxuries now like trainers and phones etc.

To be honest I question your mums suitability to be responsible for a young man, when she didn't correct him after he spoke so out of turn to you. I think that was appalling. You need to have a chat with her and say that you should be backing each other 100%, and sending your son a consistent message of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Whether he then chooses to listen and take any of what you say on board is another matter entirely of course. You will at least know though that you have done your best by him and tried to set him right. I hope you can sort all this out, it must be such a stressful and upsetting situation to be in. Thinking of you

kelpie35

If I was you I would allow him to stay with your mother and continue to give them the same financial support until he leaves school or full time education.

I would not be bothering to see your son until he can show you respect, which I understand will be difficult for you.

If he contacts you asking for money or clothes I would try my hardest to ignore the demands.

I would also write a letter to your Mum, detailing what you are going to do, but I would also mention in the letter how disappointed you are that they are not supporting you in trying to raise a son who is respectful to others.

I know this all might be difficult for you to do but you need to carry on living your life and have hope that things will improve drastically in the very near future, and that you son will in time realize how much you love him.

Good luck.

Raksha

Maybe your parents are enabling him because they are scared of loosing touch with him? Its a shame they won't support you, but pick your battles with a teenager, fight too many battles and loose, and he'll have no respect for you at all, just like his grandparents.
Be there for him, make sure he knows why you're doing this, and he'll do a lot of growing up in the next few years

paulineb_2

Id also just like to say, as someone who had a relative who did commit suicide, its a horrible thing to say to anyone and I do believe your son doesnt mean it because if you did end your life, I bet he would be devastated. But someone has to tell him, that is not appropriate. If he can behave in school, he can show you respect. All I can say is, I would imagine your son did not mean it, hes lashing out for some reason.

Try and find out the reason. I dont have kids as I said but I worked with young people for almost 20 years and you dont act the way he does and say those things if you are a happy person and I dont mean theres something that youve done to make him this way, but something clearly is not right.

It could be anything, depression, being bullied, any number of things, but normal teenage angst doesnt tend to make people say they want their parents to kill themselves.

Im not suggesting that he needs counselling, but he needs someone to actually find out what the hell is wrong, because as long as he has grandparents who just let him away with it, nothing will change

I really would tell them how you need their support and I absolutely agree, stay away, no matter how much it hurts, you dont need to be anyones emotional punchbag.

paulineb_2

Raksha wrote: »

Maybe your parents are enabling him because they are scared of loosing touch with him? Its a shame they won't support you, but pick your battles with a teenager, fight too many battles and loose, and he'll have no respect for you at all, just like his grandparents.
Be there for him, make sure he knows why you're doing this, and he'll do a lot of growing up in the next few years

They have to support her, if they dont they are just making a rod for their own back, because he could turn on them next.

I think its appalling that someones parents could listen to their son telling them to kill themselves and say nothing, its awful.