Dealing with others' religious beliefs over a death.

spacey2012

We are born once, we live once and we are all infinitely individual, when we die, that is our life ended, this is the way of the universe.
That to me makes us more important than those religious believers who think we go to some special place.
Nice thought, but in some way it demeans our importance and how much we meant whilst we were alive.

They do live on, they wait for us in our dreams, we close our eyes and chuckle at funny times we had, the memories and to me that is far more an important place than some paradise in the sky.

Close your eyes, that's where they are now and nobody can take that from you.
Smile and cry at the same time as you think of them, hurts I know, but would you give it up...

whitewing

I tend to say, if pressed, that I'm agnostic rather than atheist. In a grief situation where people are extra sensitive, it seems less hostile even if said bluntly.

I remember after a friend's son died, someone sent me a poem to suggest for the funeral and I thought it was horrific and harsh, saying 'think of me, but not too much'. It wasn't right for that time or that family but actually now - a few years later - there is some wisdom in the words.

I found the very worse thing about grief is that everyone seems to be at different stages. It can be so consuming there is no room to care about anyone else.

Eliza_2

I would just like to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread, lots of support from complete strangers, I'm really grateful.

My attitude was always going to be to bite my tongue and say some sort of platitude in response to everyone who said anything to me along these lines, but I certainly wouldn't want to hurt the feelings of anyone by discussing it with them especially when we're all so hurt enough anyway. People who care about me are only saying it because they want to help and to share what they consider to be love of god with me in the hope I will find comfort in this way - it's totally well meaning. I also think it comforts them to say these things to me in the hopes that I will find the faith that they do, and if trying to convert me helps them too then that's great. I just wish there wasn't so much of it, that's all!

Not sure where I'm going with this but there are lots of ideas and ways of coping in this thread so will have a more thorough read later. Interesting that so many people can identify though, that's helpful too.

Liz

Tish_P

There's an organisation for grieving atheists/agnostics called Grief Beyond Belief that might be helpful either in supporting you or in giving you tips for how best to deal with insensitive statements. I'm always startled by how much grief brings out the worst in people - instead of reminding them to cherish the loved ones they have left, the pain makes them lash out.
https://www.facebook.com/faithfreegriefsupport

I'm very sorry for your loss.

meritaten

tbh I think its one of the hardest things to bear - The inane comments people come out with at funerals! I am a Spiritualist but wouldn't dream of voicing my personal beliefs at such a time. I stick to - I am so very sorry, this must be so hard for you and if I can help in any way I would be glad to.

I too hated being told 'they are at peace now', or 'They are in a better place or the bluddy worse one 'They had a good innings'! I nearly hit the person who said that to me at my dads funeral - he was only 66!!!!!!!!!!!!! 100 maybe is a 'good innings'!!!!!!!!!!!

They think they are being comforting, they don't know how to be original, so fall back on 'platitudes' not realising how offensive they are being. you can only grin weakly and bear it!


You have my deepest sympathy - my dad totally understood me while mum couldn't figure me out - so we were very very close and losing him was awful, horrendous in fact. I do have a glimmer of understanding of how you feel I think.

Eliza_2

Thanks, I'll have a look at that facebook page - the trouble is I don't want to start wallowing in it all, the person involved had a sunny personality and I'd like to be the same.

Incidentally, not a student, am actually a granny several times over and nearly old enough to be a great gran, though of course could still be a student but I'm not. I feel I should be able to manage this better to be honest and certainly the younger members of the family are looking to me for support.

Time for tea - I really do have to stop eating rubbish too!

meritaten

Sorry Eliza - I had read a previous thread and it got mixed up in my head with yours! deleted the para now! Good thing I had this nagging feeling I got it wrong!

geekgirl

When my dad died the service at the crematorium was way too religious for me (and him, he was totally non religious) but it was the way some of my family wanted it. It was just a process we had to go through. I just thanked folks that made religious comments as it was nice they were thinking of me. I really know where you are coming from though, most of the folks meant well but they knew I wasn't religious and it would mean nothing to me so seemed a bit empty.

The part that really meant something was taking his ashes down to the river where he walked his dog. We had a hole dug for us by the local parks trust, put his ashes in and put his favourite flowers in the hole and shared a few funny stories as we planted a tree on top of his ashes. This would have meant a lot to him as he lived for his plants and trees.

It was lovely, just me and my siblings and our children were present. So nice.

seven-day-weekend

Even as a practsing Christian I find those sort of images mawkish and sentimental.

I would just tell them that you're glad that they find them comforting, but you find them upsetting, so could they please not do it any more. I'm sure they will respect your wishes.

marmitepotato

When my sister died in South Africa, a lot of her South African friends kept telling me she had 'gone to Jesus'. I'd like to think she went to my son and my two grandmothers, as my sister didn't know Jesus personally and wouldn't have anything in common with him.........