Dealing with others' religious beliefs over a death.

Eliza_2

Sorry, not sure where to put this question but I just wondered what advice others had about managing grief when surrounded by people with strong religious beliefs.

We recently suffered a sudden family loss of a much loved person who was too young to go - no funeral as yet. All my family are religious (standard Christian) and churchgoers apart from me and I am finding it really difficult not only dealing with the sudden death of someone close but also with the religious stuff that I feel is being foisted on me. They absolutely don't mean to do this, though I do think they are hoping I will come to believe through this and that I will find it comforting as they do. Things like saying we should feel happy as he is now in a better place, someone else saying they can't wait to be where he is and he's paving the way for us all. Also I've been sent sentimental little poems about him sailing away in a ship from us and being greeted by loving hands on the other side. As far as I'm concerned, if those hands were that loving they would jolly well stick him back on the boat and send him back to us, they've no right to him!! (sorry, can't help being a bit frivolous as it's such a ridiculous image!) It's all far from comforting.

I'm so pleased that they find this comforting and wouldn't dream of saying anything or asking them not to say it to me, of course I wouldn't. But I just wondered if anyone else has had to deal with the same and how they managed themselves through it. I'm dreading the funeral as it will be more of the same, just from more people. I'll do my best to smile and thank people and tell them how comforting I find their prayers are, but the more they do it the more alienated I feel. It just all seems ludicrous to me.

Would be very grateful to hear how others have coped with it. It's making it really hard for me to deal with my own grief and I have only shared what has happened with a few people, work colleagues etc have no idea. I seem to be functioning fine on the practical level and this seems to me the best way, despite shedding bucketloads of tears when at home!!! I can't wait for the funeral to be over, nothing can bring him back and we have to get used to moving on with our lives without him. We all have our memories, I can hear his voice very clearly and knowing that he was a loving person and had a good and happy life with lots of friends on earth is far better than stuff about heaven and god.

Anyone been in the same situation and can share please? My apologies also if I have offended anyone, I am trying really hard not to.

Thanks

Liz

jackieblack

Liz, I'm sorry for your loss.
If I were in your position I would just calmly say that I respect their beliefs but don't share them, and would appreciate it if they would respect your belief as you respect theirs.
They probably don't realise that their actions and comments are upsetting you, but explained in a calm and respectful way, hopefully they will stop and allow you to deal with this loss in your own way.

marisco_2

I am very sorry to hear of your loss Liz. I hope that you have the love and support of family and friends to help you through this time. I have not been in this situation you are coping admirably with, but if I ever were to be I would be feeling just as you do now about it. Beliefs are a very personal thing and it is a shame that some of those closest to you, aren't considering that what comforts them is making the grieving process harder for you. Jackieblack has given some excellent advice. Try to raise this with people before the funeral so as you can say goodbye to your loved one in peace, and not have to endure any further comments that cause you upset. Thoughtful and considerate people would not be offended by your honesty.

Alikay

So sorry for your loss, Eliza. It's horrible to have all the religious clap trap thrown at you when you're feeling heartbroken isn't it? The main thing is that you're all united in missing the person who died, and grieving for them. Different beliefs about what happens next aren't so important.

When my dad died my mum (who is a JW) wanted the funeral to reflect her beliefs, and any donations in lieu of flowers to go her "church" even though dad wasn't a member. The service was awful. Rammed to the rafters with JW's fervently thumbing through their bibles to check every ruddy quote, and nothing said about the kind of man he was. The wake was full of them too - hugging everyone and talking about meeting up with dad again in the resurrection.

I got through it all by realising that this was not really dad's funeral: He wasn't there (not alive anyway). This was Mum's day to express her grief and to feel loved and supported by her many friends. I've had lots of quiet moments since where I've remembered my dad and felt connected to him, but that day at the crematorium wasn't one of them.

I hope you can have your own special moments, OP and are able to get through the funeral OK. The religious ones in the family will probably be spouting their views, and you'll be gnawing your way through your tongue, but their feelings of loss and grief are real and you all share that. Perhaps your colleagues and others who you've not shared it with yet may actually give you more support than your own family?

Person_one

I'm sorry for your loss. I can still remember the white hot, visceral anger I felt in the church at my dear friend's funeral. I think I ground half my teeth to dust that day, and ended up with the biggest migraine of my life.

I recommend this book a lot, I found it really helpful:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Youll-Get-Over-Rage-Bereavement/dp/0140236082

You could also consider calling Cruse, or maybe the Samaritans? You don't have to be suicidal, and it sounds like you could really do with letting all of this out to someone who'll listen without having their own opinion and agenda on it.

http://www.cruse.org.uk/telephone-support

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/what-speak-us-about

joansgirl

I agree with Alikay. You've just got to get through it as best as you can, while remembering them in your own way.

When my dh died I felt like his sister dominated the funeral arrangements and wanted everything done to remind her of how she remembered him. When she spoke about him I didn't recognise the man she was describing.Even some of my relatives said they didn't recognise him from the eulogy either. But I knew that my memories were the true ones and I let her get on with it, it made her feel better. As Alikay said, the funeral wasn't really about him at all but more about his family.

For a while I was sad that it made me feel like that but I realised that it's up to each individual as to how they remember people.

Dh was cremated and I had some of his ashes put in a scattering pot. All his family wanted to be there when I scattered them but I said no, I was doing it on my own. I think I may have upset some of them but that's just tough. They had the funeral. This was the last personal thing I could do for him and I needed to do it on my terms.

Strangely enough, the people who were the biggest support were the ones I worked for. They were marvellous. I don't often speak about him to his family now, especially his sister, as they don't remember the man that I knew.

Sometimes I used to think it might be good to have religious beliefs, just for the comfort they can bring, but I don't believe in any of it. I hope I'm strong enough to deal with life's strife's without feeling the need to turn to an unseen entity to help me.

I also apologise if I've offended anybody, it's just how I feel.

Dunroamin

Did the person who's died share the family's religious beliefs?

maman

So sorry for your loss eliza, and now this added stress on top.

In your position, I wouldn't say anything, just nod and smile and let them get on with it. I'm basing this on tolerance and least said, soonest mended.

Personally, I have religious beliefs but not of the 'happy clappy' variety. So I do find a certain comfort in the ritual of a traditional funeral service but I shudder at some of the things people do following bereavements: tacky flowers, hideous memorials covered with tat, RIP facebook messages, telling children the deceased is a star in the sky.......

I used to be very vocal about it, never more than with that sea of flowers when Diana died. These days I've decided to keep my own counsel. I've reasoned that other people don't necessarily share my tastes but if it helps them cope with a difficult time then so be it. They're entitled to their views as I am to mine but I don't think arguing about it will help anyone.

Brighton_belle

I feel for you OP. I'm in a similar position being surround by evangelical Christians in the family. It can be very isolating.

Is there one family member who may be able to be a little more sensitive to how you feel - that you can privately share your anguish with in the sensitive non judgemental way you have here. A truly empathetic person would be able to understand how you feel without in anyway feeling threatened and insulted.
If you can just find one ally, that may help a lot. Took me years to find mine but it has made a big difference.

MrSmartprice

I have been to several funerals this year and all but one has had a religious content, even though none of the people concerned were actually religious in any meaningful way.

It seems that families just revert to a 'default' state of mind when someone dies, that of having a religious service to send them off. Probably just because it's 'what we do'. In truth it is sheer hypocrisy in many cases as so few people actually subscribe to any sort of belief in these enlightened times. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism to pretend that the family member is off to a 'better place' even though they know it to be nonsense. When I go, there will be no religious reference whatsoever, and if anyone doesn't like that they need not turn up.

I do still attend funerals with a religious content, because I regard it as a mark of respect to do so. When they do prayers and hymns I simply stand there and wait for it to finish, I refuse to pretend to sing or pray. Better to contemplate the person than be a hypocrite, I feel.

So, bear in mind that your view is every bit as valid as those who push religion. Just bin the slushy poems and deal with the loss in the way you feel most comfortable. In practice, that's what we all do anyway.

sweaty_betty

I'm sorry for your loss. It's such a difficult time.

Just to put a different slant on it all. I would consider myself a Christian (although a very liberal one) and when I lost my twins at 22 weeks into my pregnancy I had a lot of comments about them going to a "better place", that I'd "see them again some day" and told that "great suffering would bring me closer to god".

One one hand this made me really angry (even people who had been through similar said such things) and I had no comfort from any of these "well-meaning" messages. On the other hand, I do understand that people have no idea what to say in such situations (and different people are comforted by different things I guess). As you said OP, I just wanted them back and felt that if there was any god/justice, I'd never have lost them in the first place.

I think your situation is slightly different OP, in that the approach others are taking is how they're trying to make sense of the situation, trying to look on the positive etc. Unfortunately because this is working for them, they are trying to impose this on you, possibly because they hope it will help you too.

I've gone through various stages - when people said they'd like to pray for us after our loss I told them "you can if you like, but it didn't help much when we were praying for them to live, did it?", which is probably ungracious and ungrateful, but that's how I felt. Now I tend to either keep quiet or try to be a bit more thankful that at least they want to help in some way.

I think anger at the situation and others (and their responses to it) is all part of the grief process. I think things do get better, but when grief is so raw, well-intended platitudes can be upsetting or make you see red.