Dealing with others' religious beliefs over a death.

splishsplash

People are generally at a loss when it comes to talking to bereaved people. They are generally well-meaning, I believe, and are trying to comfort/sympathize with you as best they can.

While you may find the usual platitudes used in these sort of situations offensive or annoying (they used to induce a white-hot rage in me, especially mention of angels), remember these things are usually said out of kindness and with good intentions, so try to take a deep breath and distract/distance yourself if that will help.

You are right, nothing will bring back your loved one back, so really there is nothing anyone can say that is of any use. It might help to think that while it doesn't help at all, it's the intention and good wishes behind the inaneness that really matters.

unholyangel

I can relate to a few of the posters here.

We're liberal also but when my gran died, my mum planned a religious funeral for her and I hated the funeral. Not because it was religious, but because he waffled on about god and jesus for close to an hour and how much time was spent talking about my gran? 4 and a half minutes. To me, it was supposed to be a chance to celebrate her life, show people another side to her that perhaps they never knew (we often find out things about loved ones upon their death we didn't know when they were alive).

I felt like I was sitting at a recruitment drive for more members and quite a lot of the family felt the same, but my mum thought it was lovely. It helped her cope and I'm fine with that.

It makes it easier for people to deal with if they can believe that death isn't the end. Its not goodbye. Its just "see you later".

Poppy9

Sorry for your loss.


Expressions of sympathy. Well it's so hard to bite your lip when you are in the depth of grief. Some get mad over friends avoiding them, some get upset at a text but no call, some get fed up with people calling/visiting, some get mad about talk of afterlife etc.

Try to focus on the fact that people are reaching out to you and trying to offer you comfort. There are no right words to say and even though I've lost 3 members of my immediate family I am in no better position with offering words of condolences.

I can remember when as a young adult people ringing to ask how my mother was - she was, as they knew terminally ill. So many times I wanted to answer "still dying" but instead when through the ritual of "she's okay blah blah". I had to focus on it was kind of them to ring, and they didn't know what to say.

So try not to over react to people's words of comfort, they are doing their best. Just quietly saying "I don't have your faith" is enough, most will take the hint. They are not trying to upset you.

Rev

I'm atheist.

I lost my mum in December and whilst her brothers and sisters aren't overly religious (besides one of her sisters who goes to church several times a week etc) they wanted a religious funeral. My mum believed but wasn't a church goer.

My Aunty asked her reverend/priest (sorry not sure of the correct term) from her church to do the service. I appreciated it because it gave my Aunty some comfort.

But truthfully, I was just honest with people. They're entitled to say how much they believe that person is in a better place etc and god is looking after them and I'm entitled to say that IMO that's a pile of crap and if there was a god I'd despise him for being so cruel. So when people would say they'll pray for me I'd tell them not to waste their time.

It might sound harsh but don't let them expressing their beliefs stop you from expressing yours. You've all lost someone. Don't put the extra pressure on yourself of having to pander to their beliefs. You both have beliefs, albeit different ones. You respect theirs. They respect yours.

claire16c

I agree with Rev your opinions are just as valid as theirs.

I've never been to a religious funeral which is probably a good thing.

I have a couple of religious friends but they've probably been careful in how they've worded things when I've experienced loss because I think they'd know I would not appreciate comments like you've been getting.

I don't think you should have to walk on egg shells. Just be polite.

Torry_Quine

Even though I'm a Christian I would never use phrases mentioned such as ' he's in a better place' or ' I can't wait to get there' and would be angry if someone had said them to me when I've been bereaved even when the person was a Christian. :eek:

My faith is a comfort but grieve is still painful

BlondeHeadOn

The anger at the suposedly comforting religious comments is very normal, I can relate to that. My father died suddenly and unexpectedly, and the following day my SIL started saying 'Oh he's in a much better place now, no more pain." I just wanted to slap her in the face - what a load of tripe, he wasn't in any pain beforehand, he just died suddenly! I am still angry about that comment now, several years later. It was so insensitive - but she probably thought she was being helpful....

I think that the platitudes are the worst - I do wish some of these people would think a bit before they speak.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Corelli

Hello Eliza, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I lost a baby of three days old and was surrounded by people who differed from me in their religious philosophy. The worst I got was in the hospital waiting for him to die. A woman said 'If you only believed and prayed your son would get well'.Yeah, sure, how supportive - make it our fault that he was not going to live. We also got 'God only sends us what we can bear' but very little in the way of mawkish cards and sentients thank goodness.

Although some people needed their own faiths to cope themselves, and we did happily accept the offer of prayers from people of many religions. These people were all offering though, as opposed to telling us that their verion of the afterlife was something we had to accept. We actually had a light hearted vision of a conference room filled with the deities of many religions discussing who should actually take responibility for this dead baby as so many of them had recieved prayers and incense etc on his behalf.

You are quite entitled to tell people how you feel about their condolances. Long term it would probably be better to be polite, say you don't believe and these expressions of their faith are actually making your grief harder. However, I doubt anyone would hold it against you if you were a little short.


Sending you gentle hugs and my very very best wishes.

Torry_Quine

Corelli wrote: »

Hello Eliza, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I lost a baby of three days old and was surrounded by people who differed from me in their religious philosophy. The worst I got was in the hospital waiting for him to die. A woman said 'If you only believed and prayed your son would get well'.Yeah, sure, how supportive - make it our fault that he was not going to live. We also got 'God only sends us what we can bear' but very little in the way of mawkish cards and sentients thank goodness.

Although some people needed their own faiths to cope themselves, and we did happily accept the offer of prayers from people of many religions. These people were all offering though, as opposed to telling us that their verion of the afterlife was something we had to accept. We actually had a light hearted vision of a conference room filled with the deities of many religions discussing who should actually take responibility for this dead baby as so many of them had recieved prayers and incense etc on his behalf.

You are quite entitled to tell people how you feel about their condolances. Long term it would probably be better to be polite, say you don't believe and these expressions of their faith are actually making your grief harder. However, I doubt anyone would hold it against you if you were a little short.


Sending you gentle hugs and my very very best wishes.

Those people who say that if you'd believed, prayed, had faith and someone wouldn't have died really need to read their bible as that is just not scripture at all. I can't begin to imagine how hard it was without people mis-appropriating their faith!:mad:

The only response is often to say nothing but be there.

sweaty_betty

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Those people who say that if you'd believed, prayed, had faith and someone wouldn't have died really need to read their bible as that is just not scripture at all. I can't begin to imagine how hard it was without people mis-appropriating their faith!:mad:

The only response is often to say nothing but be there.

Absolutely. We had an army of people praying for our boys and it didn't stop them dying. If someone said this to me, they'd get a real flea in their ear.