Just found out my girlfriend owes £28k

RAS

Pls remember Debt-Free Wannabee's for support and help not judgement
Dear MoneySavers....

Debt Free Wannabee is one of my favourite boards on this site. It's also one which runs a delicate balance. Many people who have serious debts have hidden them for a time, been scared to confront them, suffered depression or have even had suicidal thoughts because of them.

While elsewhere on the site robust discussion is welcomed, in Debt Free Wannabee may I just caution MoneySavers to err on the side of kindness. Of course many are in debt due to over-spending, financial illiteracy, or mismanagement of money (and some through no fault, only due to circumstance). Yet the fact they are here means they're looking for help, guidance and to take charge of their finances - and that in itself is admirable

Please use your knowledge and kindness to help rather than to berate. This board often has the power to move me to tears with the sheer power of the community that's grown and I hope it will continue.

If you feel it’s important to point something out that the poster may find negative but needs to understand, then it's not a problem, but do think carefully about your phrasing - people can be very sensitive and nuances may mislead when it’s in an online Forum.

Martin

RAS

Hi folks I think Tootsie Roll has another ID?

Tootie_Fruity

RAS wrote: »

Hi folks I think Tootsie Roll has another ID?

I don't think I do. And I'm sorry for having an opinion. I wish the OP and his partner every success for the future.

scottjack

I think it is a valid point to make although it came across the wrong way.

Whenever anyone is in the situation that arises many times on this board we always have to question what TF said. It's surely all part of the process. If someone is able to rack up the amounts of debt that some of us have, it's not a very trustworthy thing to keep it from someone you are with, but what's more important is the reaction after being told and the original poster seems to have this nailed down and wants to help.

The only advice I would give to the OP is tackle the reasons why this debt is so high in the first place as well as tackling the debt.

rayday2

Somtimes not sure if its the case here I wonder how a partner cannot know sometimes I think the partner not in debt has had there head in the sand too. Surely if you are racking up debt you are spending it on something and living with someone should give you chance to see what when you know what wage they are on.

But sometimes if its holidays, gifts etc ignorance is bliss until it catches up with you.

Like I said not sure in this case just when I read similar posts I do wonder where the non debtor thinks things come from!

pania

Hi tootie, my apologies. Yes everyone is entitled to an opinion of course they are. everyone has reasons. i hid mine from my parents for years, they found out and the reaction was exactly as i feared to the extent my father and i only very occasionally now talk. The fear of repercusions can be the reason people keep things hidden. I know there were many occasions that i wished to just yell it out but was far far to scared to. I hated lying but it seemed the only way.
So maybe having been there done that i have experience of the reasons people wouldn't reveal there situation, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. then the longer you leave it the harder it gets.... Best wishes.

Dead_Eye_Jones

Nice one for sticking by her. Indeed now is the time to give support. I hope she fulfills her side of the bargin too and works hard to turn things around. If you get the impression she isnt committed to sorting thing out - then is the time to question things. Being supportive is great and the right thing to do and she is lucky to have you, but at the same time dont let yourself get walked over if things havent changed in the next years together...

Best of luck to you

kopite323

Tootie_Fruity wrote: »

You got together and have been a partnership for all this time and she never told you about this. What else is she keeping from you ? To me there is no trust (or it's at least all one way). If I were you I would get shot of her before she drags you under.

There is no way i could do that. The debt is the only bad thing (in my opinion) about her and thats being addressed.

She has been wonderful with me and my problems, v supportive in my despair.
We have a gorgeous little girl (who is 2 next month) together and believe me there are no more secrets between us.

There is always trust and understanding, its what makes relationships work.

RAS

Now please can we offer support to kopite and his GF?

Madnessa

It's great that your sticking by her. This experience will make you both stronger and if you can get though this you will both be in for a long and happy life together me thinks.

Lots of luck