As an adult how much do you/should you tell your parents?

monkeychops

My OH has recently been admitted to hospital with mental health problems. He has suffered from depression and anxiety for a number of years and things have just got worse.

Neither his nor my family know about his depression. There doesn't seem any reason why they should - they can't help, they would worry and he doesn't want them to know as he is embarrassed.

We both get on pretty well with our parents but there are things we haven't told them over the years. A couple of examples are OH had a vasectomy which we didn't tell anyone about and I have several health issues (nothing that serious or life threatening) which no one except OH knows about.

One of OH's brothers has found out that OH is in hospital and is adamant that I must tell his parents and is threatening that if I don't he will. That will make me look bad in their eyes as I have had to tell a couple of white lies as to where he is and why.

I don't see that as adults we need to tell our parents everything and what would be the point as they may well get upset and worried.

balletshoes

monkeychops wrote: »

My OH has recently been admitted to hospital with mental health problems. He has suffered from depression and anxiety for a number of years and things have just got worse.

Neither his nor my family know about his depression. There doesn't seem any reason why they should - they can't help, they would worry and he doesn't want them to know as he is embarrassed.

We both get on pretty well with our parents but there are things we haven't told them over the years. A couple of examples are OH had a vasectomy which we didn't tell anyone about and I have several health issues (nothing that serious or life threatening) which no one except OH knows about.

One of OH's brothers has found out that OH is in hospital and is adamant that I must tell his parents and is threatening that if I don't he will. That will make me look bad in their eyes as I have had to tell a couple of white lies as to where he is and why.

I don't see that as adults we need to tell our parents everything and what would be the point as they may well get upset and worried.

usually I'd be agreeing with you and saying that your OH's parents don't need to know, for exactly the reasons you have already given.
However, if they're going to find out anyway from your BIL, i I think it would be better coming from you. That way they are getting the facts, not your BIL's interpretation of the facts.

lostinrates

As a matter of interest, who legally is your oh's NOK?

If its his parents and his mental health is so bad he's been hospitalised then I certainly feel they should know.

monkeychops

lostinrates wrote: »

As a matter of interest, who legally is your oh's NOK?

If its his parents and his mental health is so bad he's been hospitalised then I certainly feel they should know.

I am his NOK

Alikay

monkeychops wrote: »

A couple of examples are OH had a vasectomy which we didn't tell anyone about

We didn't tell our parents about DH's vasectomy either as my mum kept getting digs in about him having one after our 2nd child. I think she'd have preferred him to be castrated, really - she's a difficult woman . Anyway, we went on to have a 3rd child (planned, wanted and entirely cared for and funded by ourselves may I add..) which she didn't really approve of. To admit to him having the snip would have brought her immense joy, so withholding the information allowed me a ridiculous and childish sense of pleasure .

troubleinparadise

Things must have become fairly bad for him to require hospitalisation.

That also suggests that his recovery will take some time also, and possibly affect his ability to work?

In this instance I would tell his family. Whilst there may be feelings of embarrassment / privacy that your H and you have, and I can understand those, it would probably (though of course not always) be of help and support if his family were aware of his problems, and what they might be able to do to support his recuperation once he leaves hospital.

It may be that his family are not understanding of mental illness, and may indeed hamper his recovery - not unheard of - and in that case perhaps limiting information would be better.

But having to continue to lie or cover up won't help either of you in the long run, and it can reduce the stresses and burdens if the family are able to support you both.

seven-day-weekend

I think if he doesn't want them to know they don't need to.

However,if another family member is going to tell them, then it will be better coming from you.

heretolearn_2

Do parents have a right to know anything? No

But if their child is ill enough to need hospitalisation, and you have a normal relationship with them (ie not cutting them off because they are awful), it seems very unkind not to inform them and keep them in the loop.

You have children. Imagine forward a few years. Wouldn't you want to know if one was in hospital, ill, and in need of support, and they didn't think you were worth telling? Of course they will worry, that's part of the job you sign up for, for life, once you become a parent :-) but it's worse not to tell them. If he's been that ill they've probably noticed something anyway but don't like to pry and may be worried sick already.

Your husband, and you, need to get over the idea of being embarrassed about mental health problems. It's no more your fault or embarrassing than having a broken leg. Don't contribute to ignorant 'stigma' against it by acting ashamed.

I hope your husband gets some good help and starts making a recovery soon xx

Takeaway_Addict

Of course his parents should know about something like this.

If you had kids would you want them to hide things from you, preventing you being able to help or would you want them to confide in you?

bluenoseam

I kept certain aspects of my health issues private from my Mum, kept significant parts private from the rest of the family because frankly, I didn't see any benefit of saying anything. To be fair a lot of it was to do with the "drama" that unfolded with my elder sister the day after I had my tonsils removed! She came steaming into the house "what's wrong" in a hysterical mood all because she saw my Mum's car sitting (she'd picked me up) then proceeded to give us a rollicking for not informing her about the surgery! (Which was ended when I told her to f off she was doing my box in and it was none of her business)

I'd get hold of OH's brother and say that ultimately it's OH's decision to let them know anything, not his and as a result he should keep his nose out of it.

sacha28

monkeychops wrote: »

I am his NOK

Are you married? If you are then this statement is correct, if you aren't then I'm afraid that, legally, his parents are NOK.

With regards to his parents being told, put yourself in their shoes. If it were your child would you like to know? Of course you would.

I understand that there is still, wrongfully, stigma attached to MH problems but it is a massive thing to deal with on your own and his family may surprise you and be incredibly supportive. Sometimes people have a way of acting in a way your weren't expecting!!

As for things like a vasectomy? That is personal and there really is no need for them to be informed of something like that!!