As an adult how much do you/should you tell your parents?

marisco_2

As adults it is completely up to you what you decide to share with others. Your OHs brother is out of order threatening that if you don't inform his parents about what is happening he will. It is not his place to do that. Something he clearly needs a reminder of. It is such a pity when relatives choose to act in this way, adding unnecessary stress to an already delicate situation, instead of just being there to provide help and release pressures. I am sorry to hear of your worries and hope all will be okay for yourself and your OH. Choose who you wish to turn to and seek support from and don't be railroaded into something that you don't want to do.

Prothet_of_Doom

Alikay wrote: »

We didn't tell our parents about DH's vasectomy either as my mum kept getting digs in about him having one after our 2nd child. I think she'd have preferred him to be castrated, really - she's a difficult woman . Anyway, we went on to have a 3rd child (planned, wanted and entirely cared for and funded by ourselves may I add..) which she didn't really approve of. To admit to him having the snip would have brought her immense joy, so withholding the information allowed me a ridiculous and childish sense of pleasure .

I was surprised at my own mothers reaction to me telling her about my forthcoming operation some years ago. I don't think I've ever experienced such disappointment from my parents before. Maybe they were hoping for 3 grand children, but the risks were too high once we hit 45. Maybe it was the idea of enjoying risk free sex which revolted her.

ognum

This is a difficult one! Everyone is entiteled to privacy.

However, how often do you see the parents, how close is the relationship? If your partner sees them once every five years and telephones every now and then don't bother to tell them. If he has a close relationship then I think they should know, how can they help him recover if they don't know?

If his condition worsened and he became very ill or even suicidal how would you feel as a parent if you had been kept completely in the dark?

I cat help thinking that you may be somehow ashamed of his illness and that stops you from sharing it, of course I am probably completely wrong but I do believe we should be more open about our mental illnesses in order that others can be more accepting.

In the end it's up to you other half, I don't think there is a right or wrong so do what you feel will help him recover quickest.

jackyann

There is no right or wrong here, every family has different (often unspoken) "rules".
I hope that as part of his treatment, your OH (and probably you as well) get to talk to a mental health professional about what would be helpful for his recovery.
As part of that, it might be worth spending some time talking about what either set of parents ,(and other relatives especially the brother you mention) might be able to do to be helpful; how you might approach them to tell them etc. Or, if you don't, how you do handle contact with them.

Of course your BiL is upset. I suggest that you say something along the lines of the above to him - that you feel anxious about telling parents - that you would like to discuss it with the team treating OH. He may respond more positively to being asked to "hold off" whilst that is going on, rather than simply being told to back off.

Meanwhile, do get dome support for yourself as well. This is a difficult time for you.

Prothet_of_Doom

My wife tried to insist that I keep her ME secret from all her and my family, and I thought this a rediculous thing. And when it was clear that we had to, she insisted on underplaying her issues "so as not to worry them"
IMVVVHO get it out in the open, lay it on a bit thick, and plead with them to help you both. Share the worry, and don't keep it secret.

geoffky

I am going in hospital at the end of the month for a op.
I have not told my parents and will not tell them until i come out..
My wife had cancer and we never told our parents until she had the all clear... They are in their mid 70s so do not need the stress.
Meanwhile i am off on my hols for two weeks on saturday to forget about it until i come home...

VSynth

It's entirely your OH's right as to who he wants to know about his illness.

monkeychops

heretolearn wrote: »

Do parents have a right to know anything? No

You have children. Imagine forward a few years. Wouldn't you want to know if one was in hospital, ill, and in need of support, and they didn't think you were worth telling? Of course they will worry, that's part of the job you sign up for, for life, once you become a parent :-) but it's worse not to tell them. If he's been that ill they've probably noticed something anyway but don't like to pry and may be worried sick already.

Your husband, and you, need to get over the idea of being embarrassed about mental health problems. It's no more your fault or embarrassing than having a broken leg. Don't contribute to ignorant 'stigma' against it by acting ashamed.

It's not that I don't think they are worth telling. They are very elderly and not in the best of health themselves so I feel they don't need the worry. There is not really anything they can do to help - they live quite a distance away.

I am pretty sure they have not noticed anything. Because they live a fair bit away we don't see them often but do speak on the phone. OH has been very good at "putting on a front" so there has been nothing to be suspicious of.

OH has been adamant he doesn't want people to know and I don't want to do something he would be unhappy about.

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

Of course his parents should know about something like this.

If you had kids would you want them to hide things from you, preventing you being able to help or would you want them to confide in you?

As I said above, they can't really help in any way and I can't see the point of causing 2 elderly and not particularly well people worry.

sacha28 wrote: »

Are you married? If you are then this statement is correct, if you aren't then I'm afraid that, legally, his parents are NOK.

With regards to his parents being told, put yourself in their shoes. If it were your child would you like to know? Of course you would.

I understand that there is still, wrongfully, stigma attached to MH problems but it is a massive thing to deal with on your own and his family may surprise you and be incredibly supportive. Sometimes people have a way of acting in a way your weren't expecting!!

Yes, we are married.

I can say with almost complete certainty that they won't be sympathetic or supportive if they found out about his problems. I know all about the stigma attached to mental health problems as I, too, have suffered badly from depression (even attempting suicide). They don't know about that but there have been other people in their family who suffer from depression and to hear what they have said (particularly his mum) has been awful

monkeychops

ognum wrote: »

This is a difficult one! Everyone is entiteled to privacy.

However, how often do you see the parents, how close is the relationship? If your partner sees them once every five years and telephones every now and then don't bother to tell them. If he has a close relationship then I think they should know, how can they help him recover if they don't know?

If his condition worsened and he became very ill or even suicidal how would you feel as a parent if you had been kept completely in the dark?

I cat help thinking that you may be somehow ashamed of his illness and that stops you from sharing it, of course I am probably completely wrong but I do believe we should be more open about our mental illnesses in order that others can be more accepting.

In the end it's up to you other half, I don't think there is a right or wrong so do what you feel will help him recover quickest.

He gets on ok with his parents but they are certainly not close. They live a distance away so we don't see them that often but do talk on the phone although not that frequently.

I have thought about the consequences if he got a lot worse but, in all honesty, at the moment I just don't see that anything positive can come out of telling them and, as I have said, OH is adamant he does not want them to know.

I am not ashamed of his illness. As I said above, I have suffered badly from depression. His parents are very old school though and believe that you should always "keep a stiff upper lip" and look upon something like depression as "pathetic" and that people should pull themselves together.

Bella73

Could your BIL visit your hubby so he can told by hubby that he doesn't want the world to know and yes that includes his parents. It might be that the BIL is thinking it is you that doesn't want them to know if you see what I mean. You know what your hubby wants but maybe he needs to be the one to spell it out to BIL.