Really in a mess

shybloke

New user name as this is very personal but I do post on these forums just not on this board. I really hope someone can help.

Bit of background I’m a shy male in my mid thirties. I have a good job and share a flat with my best mate. We became friends when I started at the company I still work for. He was/is a bit of a loner, but I made an effort to get to know him. We clicked and now we share a flat. Last year he was out with some mates and they were mugged. He got beaten up and afterwards struggled with depression. He found work hard and resigned. It’s only been in the last 6 months that he has been coping better and actively looking for work. His family pay his share of the rent but he is always a bit strapped, so doesn’t go out much.

Tuesday evening he was a bit moody when I got home. He’d been mucked around by the job centre and he was fed up not having work. I went out with some old school mates and he tagged along for an hour and approached several pub managers for work. I got home late after having a skin full and he was still up. We talked for a bit and I asked him if he’d ever been in love, as me and my mates had been chatting about this. He finally told me that he had an affair with his lecturer at uni (male) and that they had finished with each other when this guy got another job. I got the feeling that he had taken it hard. He also admitted that he had had some one night stands with both men and women.

I was a bit shocked actually, not because he’s been with blokes, but because I’d pretty much decided that he was a virgin. Then, because I was stupid and drunk, I asked him if he fancied me and he made excuses and went to bed. Yes it was an idiotic thing to say, I’m not proud, but the way he reacted puzzled me. Anyway, when I got back Wednesday he was in a great mood as one of the pubs had offered him part time work. He started tonight which is why I’m posting this now. He went out and got a takeaway and we sat in front of the telly with a beer. I asked him about Tuesday night and he sort of mumbled a bit about being embarrassed and to cut a long story short we ended up in bed together. I’ve never been with a bloke before, never looked at my mate in that way or any guy but it was good I can’t deny it.

I asked him if this was just a one nighter or if he wanted this to carry on. He said that it was entirely up to me, that he wouldn’t push it. Now I don’t know what to do. The thing is it wasn’t just the deed itself, he was really caring and we kissed which was nice. To make things worse on Monday I asked one of the girls at work out. I really like her and we have been chatting on and off on facebook for a while but it’s taken me a while to pluck up the courage to ask her. We are due to go out on Saturday to see a film and have a drink but I sort of feel that I’ve cheated on her already.

So what do I do? Should I still go out with this girl? I feel like it wouldn’t be fair on her as I’m thinking about another man in that sort of way. But I don’t think I’m gay. I don;’t even know if I want to go with him again but it was good and I think I’m still a bit curious. He’s still treating me the same as before all this happened but he obviously has some sort of feelings for me. I don’t want to hurt him either. I actually feel like crying because these are people I care about and I don’t want to muck up their feelings. It’s not their fault. Can anyone help?

Elsewhere

Oh dear - like buses - you wait for ages and then two come along at once.

OK - you asked the girl out on Monday, then you were drunk on Tuesday when you made a pass at your friend and you followed that up on Wednesday - presumably not drunk - by having sex with him and enjoying it. It doesn't sound to me as if you've suddenly fallen in love with him - but this obviously isn't just a drunken mistake.

Do you think what you have done is because you are subconsciously procrastinating because you are very worried about how the date with the girl will go and trying to give yourself a reason to cancel - or simply because you are curious?

Firstly - your relationship with the girl hasn't even started, so you can't "cheat" on her.

However, I think your friend may get badly hurt if you aren't careful - especially if he's already depressed. You're worried that he might have feelings for you that he has kept hidden - him saying:

He said that it was entirely up to me, that he wouldn’t push it.

sounds very much as if he'd like your relationship to go that way.

This could get awkward very fast. If you have the courage my advice would be to tell your friend more-or-less what you've posted here - don't leave him hanging on and hoping. (Of course there is the possibility that what he's after is a f**k-buddy, not a boyfriend).

Then go on your date with the girl and see how it goes. She won't need any confessions from you to begin with - if it works out with her you may want to say something. But I don't suppose she's planning to tell you all her secrets on the first few dates!

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

Sounds like a load of absolute !!!!!!!! to me.

Delree

Sounds like a storyline out of Hollyoaks.

nlj1520

Firstly I think you need to tell your flatmate that you have a date with a woman soon that was set up before you two went to bed. He is vulnerable and if he found out another way that would be worse than being treated with respect.
See how it goes with the girl, my gut instinct is that if you aren't sure you want a relationship with your flat-mate you probably don't, so don't mess him around.
I'm not really sure the gender of these people is relevant......it's really all about fellow human beings and your relationship with them. Treat them both straightforwardly and be true to your instincts.
Good Luck

HPoirot

shybloke wrote: »

I don;’t even know if I want to go with him again but it was good and I think I’m still a bit curious.

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT.

You are just nosing into what makes him tick. Not nice as he has been suffering from depression and obviously a sensitive soul.

Prothet_of_Doom

Delree wrote: »

Sounds like a storyline out of Hollyoaks.

Nothing so mundane in that fantastic view of the world:D

SailorSam

Ronaldo_Mconaldo wrote: »

Sounds like a load of absolute !!!!!!!! to me.

Sounds like a strange tale i agree but you do read about men who are married with families suddenly deciding to experiment and even change, so it maybe all true.
I think for the moment at least the guy should be given a break and deserves any helpful advice someone can give him.

marisco_2

shybloke wrote: »

So what do I do? Should I still go out with this girl? I feel like it wouldn’t be fair on her as I’m thinking about another man in that sort of way. But I don’t think I’m gay.

Assuming this isn't a wind up......

I think whilst you are so mixed up and confused about your feelings you shouldn't date this girl. That really wouldn't be fair on her. Doing so could cause repercussions with your flat mate too. As much as he is saying that what happens next between you is up to you and he wont push you, I think he could be hurt by you going on a date at this time.

aileth

Wow bloody hell, you must live in a soap.

You don't just have sex with a man if you don't at least have some inclination towards it. You're obviously confused, and dragging that poor girl into the confusion is just going to cause turmoil and upset. Get your feelings sorted out first and focus on what it is you actually want before you start messing people around.

peachyprice

Forget the fact for a minute that your flat mate is a man. Would you still feel you were cheating on the girl you have a date with if you'd had a one night stand with a woman?

TBH, I can't see the big deal about it being a man, so you were curious, you may do it again, you may not, as long as you're safe whoever you are sleeping with it doesn't make any difference to future relationships.