Divorcing a partner who works full time

handful

Person_one wrote: »

I don't think that's fair. An affair is a huge betrayal, and its always entirely a choice made by the person who cheats.

There's never any excuse or good reason no matter what the state of the marriage.

I couldn't have put that better myself! A conversation I've yet to have but one that I will do very shortly.

marisco_2

handful wrote: »

I want things to stay amicable but not so sure it will remain that way but I guess you are right in that forcing her out won't do me any favours.

The easiest thing to suggest here is the hardest thing to do. No matter how difficult things get, focus on being able to walk away with your head held high and with respect for yourself. It is all to easy at times like this to let anger and emotions lead you to say and do things that you will later regret. Try to remain true to yourself. If you can manage that you will be able to look back with pride in how you conducted yourself in years to come.

That doesn't mean having to lie down and accept blame for the affair having happened though. There is no excuse or justification for an affair. If there are problems within a relationship each party should respect the other enough to want to try and address them. If issues cannot be overcome then is the time to decide whether to seek counselling or to call it a day. In my opinion it is always best to end one relationship before even contemplating starting another.

For a person to make a conscious decision to go behind their life partners back and jump into bed with someone else is to treat them with utter contempt. It does nothing to resolve anything and just adds another mess into the equation. Creating an often impassable situation and wrecking any chance of sorting things out and getting back on track. A terrible shame especially when a couple has been together as long as you two have OP.

duchy

Person_one wrote: »

I don't think that's fair. An affair is a huge betrayal, and its always entirely a choice made by the person who cheats.

There's never any excuse or good reason no matter what the state of the marriage.

I agree ...to a point. When my husband had an affair it was the breech of trust that meant reconciliation was never on the cards for me ...but with hindsight the split would have been a lot easier on both of us had we acknowledged that we had both contributed to us growing apart -and the affair was a symptom of that not the cause.

I do know people who once the anger has subsided have talked very honestly and slowly rebuilt but even though an affair is horrible - most don't happen in isolation especially in a long marriage-couples have already drifted apart for a variety of reasons.

Twenty five years is a long time to throw away without been 101% sure divorce is the only option. I'm not in any way trying to undermine how the OP feels but anger doesn't usually last.....and what comes next can really matter.

Gigglepig

It sounds like splitting all assets 50-50 including equity, pensions, savings would be a fair starting point.

Rather than maintenance, perhaps your wife could get slightly more since staying at home for many years to raise kids really does impact on your future earning potential. For example, household items or the car.

Alternatively, can she stay in the house and take on the mortgage on her current salary? If she would have greater difficulty than you securing a new mortgage, perhaps it would help her if she got a large share of the equity but you got to keep the larger share of the pension and savings, the car etc.

Though it might be hard, you could both gain from keeping things amicable and avoiding prolonged stress and legal bills.

It sounds like it may be a bit early to make plans, I hope you give couple's counselling a try first. Good luck.

handful

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Yes 25 years is a long time, we were actually living together for 3 years before we got married so actually 28 years to throw away. It really is hearbreaking because I always thought we would be together forever. that's not to say we didn't have problems and arguments and I do take my share of responsibility for that, if anything more than her so I know where duchy is coming from, this has happened partly because of the issues we've had. It doesn't take away the complete feeling of betrayal though, one shared by my kids I should add and they are a massive help to me at the moment. Don't know what I'd do without that to be honest, would be a very daunting prospect.

whitewing

I know the children are 'grown up' now but an affair and a divorce will still have a massive impact on them.

Also, you will potentially be divorced grandparents one day. That may mean big occasions like Christmases and birthdays having to be spread out between you and your wife and your children's in laws.

I'm not saying don't get divorced (I think I would) but also don't assume that you can both go on to live separate lives that don't impact on each other.

sukysue

Don't rush into anything op and take my advice the legal fees will be horrendous if you go to court to sort it out. Try to resolve finances in mediation sessions it will save you both loads of money.

handful

Gigglepig wrote: »

It sounds like splitting all assets 50-50 including equity, pensions, savings would be a fair starting point.

Rather than maintenance, perhaps your wife could get slightly more since staying at home for many years to raise kids really does impact on your future earning potential. For example, household items or the car.

Alternatively, can she stay in the house and take on the mortgage on her current salary? If she would have greater difficulty than you securing a new mortgage, perhaps it would help her if she got a large share of the equity but you got to keep the larger share of the pension and savings, the car etc.

Though it might be hard, you could both gain from keeping things amicable and avoiding prolonged stress and legal bills.

It sounds like it may be a bit early to make plans, I hope you give couple's counselling a try first. Good luck.

Thanks gigglepig but I don't feel that this applies in our case. She worked part time for a couple of years in the same job before resuming full time and she was back at work within weeks of the birth of each. Bear in mind mortgage rates went up to 15% at the time and it was a case of having to. It didn't impact her earning potential at all and she has shied away from potential promotions and opportunities to apply for jobs with more pay and responsibility even though I have urged her to stretch herself career wise. She doesn't cope well with the work related stress that comes with responsibilty so therefore I wouldn't happily agree to any settlement in her favour whatsoever. Amicability works both ways and it shouldn't be a case that I have to sacrifice part of my entitlement for things to remain amicable!

My original post was to find out if there is any liklihood I would have to maintain the 'lifestyle to which she has become accustomed to' bearing in mind the time we have spent together? Or is this an old fashioned notion or one that only applies when there are dependant kids involved?

I don't think counselling is going to do anything to be honest, not when she has betrayed one of the most fundamental cornerstones of our relationship. I have said many times over the years how I would never be able to forgive that.

handful

whitewing wrote: »

I know the children are 'grown up' now but an affair and a divorce will still have a massive impact on them.

Also, you will potentially be divorced grandparents one day. That may mean big occasions like Christmases and birthdays having to be spread out between you and your wife and your children's in laws.

I'm not saying don't get divorced (I think I would) but also don't assume that you can both go on to live separate lives that don't impact on each other.

I know whitewing, I've already seen first hand some of the effects, it was my daughter who came to me in tears to tell me she suspected something was going on. I had kind of sensed something myself but was in denial until she told me her perspective. I've spoken to both of them and told them I don't want them to join me in battle so to speak and I don't want this to affect their relationship with their mother but they are both very angry with her at the moment and being very very supportive to me. I know they will get over this initial anger and it genuinely doesn't bother me, I want them to have a complete family even if we aren't together.

marisco_2

handful wrote: »

I know whitewing, I've already seen first hand some of the effects, it was my daughter who came to me in tears to tell me she suspected something was going on. I had kind of sensed something myself but was in denial until she told me her perspective.

I had to approach my dad with the same concerns when I was 25. It is good that your grown children are not bottling up their feelings, as horrible as it may be to see them go through this angst. The more they can work through how they feel and talk openly the better. They are not little any more or dependant on yourself and your wife in the same ways but all of this will hit them hard. The divorce of your parents rocks all that felt secure in life. I hope with a lot of love and support you can all pull through this as painlessly as possible.