Bully dad

System

Theres only one way to handle a bully and that's to stand up to him.

I know your not feeling up to any confrontation at the moment but don't entertain him because you are feeding his feeling of 'self importance'.

Personally I wouldn't answer the door.

itsanne

What an unpleasant character to have to deal with! I'm very glad you now have a supportive BF.

You will have to deal with him at some point, but now is clearly not the time to stand up to him. At least he lives far enough away that he's unlikely to be dropping in unexpectedly.

Mojisola's suggestion is a good one. Have your BF tell him you aren't well enough for visitors or you won't be in. Definitely don't answer the door. Such a shame that if you're out your phone is acting up . . .

Please let us know what you end up doing.

claire16c

Rosie you are still not well from the miscarriage.

Get your boyfriend to call him like posted above and say sorry she's not well, she's in bed & won't be up tomorrow. Sorry you have to make other plans.

You can say no, it's not too late, he's not here yet. Stand up for yourself and if you've not got the strength to do it then get your boyfriend to as he could do with pulling his finger out after the way he's acted.

Vicky123

I think you might benefit from counselling for the long term implications because even if you do manage to dodge this meeting there will be others. In any case you have had a few traumatic experiences that can't be good for your general well being, it may be that as a result of taking on the caring duties you are of a mind that everything is your responsibility.
The deep cleaning sounds like you are experiencing PTSD from a controlling and bullying childhood, the fact that you think your obligated to entertain this no mark would seem indicative of unresolved issues brought about by your father.
Sorry for your loss.

Mojisola

itsanne wrote: »

Such a shame that if you're out your phone is acting up . . .

Don't leave yourself open to the phone constantly ringing - as itsanne says - switch off/unplug the phones.

It would be better if you could be somewhere other than at home.

emsaint

I read your post and thought of my own father. My father turned up to my house at 7am, 10 days after my son was born, and pressed the door bell continiously until someone answered the door. I had been in the high dependency unit after my labour as i nearly died and had only been discharged days before. No phone call to see how i was. He stayed 30 minutes then said it was simply a stopover to use the loo as he was visiting a friend 6 miles from our house. Also it was my birthday the next day and he said on leaving that he couldn't be arsed to get me a card. This visit was the straw that broke the camels back, nearly 37 years of him being a bully and i took it. But then i snapped. Havent seen him, spoken to him since and boy do i feel so much better for it.

You aren't in a good place now. You don't need to see him.

thorsoak

Thinking of you Rosie -and hoping that you've managed to ignore this man - do let us know how you manage your day x

claire16c

Rosie I really hope you've cancelled him coming now.

meritaten

Rosie - can I suggest that you ask for counselling for both the miscarriage and the abuse you have suffered under this man?
Don't deal with him now - either text him or get bf to ring him to say he cannot come. make an excuse this time - but before he foists himself onto you again you really should get some 'assertiveness' training.
I cant believe he charged you and your sister rent!!!!!!!!!!! what a bast*rd!

unholyangel

We're often raised to feel a duty towards our family members and loyalty to them above all else. While family bonds are important, imo they're only important if they're healthy.

You only live once (or once that you can remember if you believe in that) and its too short to spend it being miserable. It will be hard to say no, but once you say it the first time.....it will give you strength to stick to it and say it again if needed. You are no longer a child, you're an adult in charge of your own life.

I agree you should put your dads visit off until you feel better able to cope with him. And in future, if he does visit and makes any comments about something needing cleaned...hand him a cloth/whatever is needed for the job and tell him you're happy with it how it is but if he isnt, he's free to bring it up to his standards himself.